KINDNESS AND NOT BEING A SAINT

I discovered something very moving today at the swimming pool. I was speaking to the lifeguard about how the lane next to the wall is always free and if I get to the pool late in the session has already started that Lane usually isn't free but becomes free the minute I get in the pool.  I discovered that this is because the other swimmers make sure that no one swims in that lane when I am there. even if the non-regular users are there they are told to leave that lane free for me.

I have to say that I was truly touched by the kindness of people whom I don't even know. And all they know of me is that I have a physical condition and that I have a need for some reason to swim next to the wall which they wouldn't know about. The reason being is that sometimes my body goes into complete spasm and I will be able to grab hold of the wall more quickly than the lifeguard seeing me struggle.

Anyhow I really was very moved to find miss out and I had been wondering to such a long time why I was always free in that lane. Personally, I would never ask anybody to vacate that lane if they were swimming in it when I arrived.

One of the things that has been bothering me and please please do not take this the wrong way. You're very kind letters to me really lift me up and it keeps me writing about the personal struggles of an abuse survivor on a day-to-day basis.

Abuse never goes away. I cannot really think of a suitable analogy for it. I had thought it would be a bit like losing a limb which would cause daily challenges. However, except in rare circumstances limbs that are not there do not cause pain. Perhaps having the lower portion of each arm amputated would be closer as an analogy because I believe that would cause pain and difficulty 24 seven. However I have no wish to insult any amputees and so I am still stuck with not really having an analogy.

I have just had one of those DUH! moments.  A really good analogy  is my disease. It is permanent and it will never go away. I have to face it every single day and on every single day it causes me challenges and pain. The only difference between it and the abuse survival is that the abuse survival improves over time. It never ends but it does get better and it does not cause me 24 seven pain like my physical problems do.

It is hard to explain how abuse survival affects me every single day but it does. It may wish me not to go out but to stay safe in my house with all of the blinds drawn. It may make me feel uncertain of my friends and it most certainly makes me uncertain of the motives of people who become friendly towards me. It can make me worry that I had inadvertently upset somebody. In the past it would enable me to obsess upon whether I was like to not. In those days not being liked was very dangerous in my mind because it meant you were very likely to harm me. This is one of the recoveries because I no longer believe this. And there are people that I do not like which was quite a revelation to me. I don't treat them as if I don't like them. I do not let other people dictate how I behave. I am a warm and friendly person  and I try not to let the behaviour of others toward me alter that. At the same time I'm no doormat.

So what is it that has been bothering me about the lovely emails that I get? Quite simply it is this: the letters are really beautiful letters to receive and may make me feel very good and I would not wish for them to discontinue. However at the same time I also do not want people thinking that I have it made, that I have the answers, that I am wonderfully happy and content  and sane! No, this could not be further from the truth. Yes I am happy generally speaking. Yes I have a very good life. Yes I have a very loving husband. Yes I have my dogs and I have a wonderful home and security. But none of these things wipe out the abuse and its effects. I have worked very hard to get here and I have to continue to work hard to stay here. There is no goal and if there were a goal I certainly have not reached it.

I am an abuse survivor. If you are an abuse survivor then you are no different to me and I am no different to you. We are both abuse survivors. We both experience the same horrors in the same agonies and we both find each day a challenge. I guess this is what I wanted to say. But I very much appreciate the wonderfully kind emails I get but I also felt the need to point out that I am no hero I am just abuse survivor the same as you are.

CATHCING UP

 Once again I find that I am neglecting to write on my blog.

Recently John and I went to Frankfurt for a week. We both solely enjoyed it. Admittedly we spend most of our time shopping. The shopping in Frankfurt is excellent. Not expensive or rather what I mean is it can be very expensive than also not so much. So we did a mixture of both.

I finally found a shop that specialised in making men's floral suits! They were fully prepared to sell me just the jacket of the suit but unfortunately it was not my size. They said that they could easily make my size and they would take my measurements and I would have to come back for a fitting. They clearly thought we had much more money than we actually have and I explained to them that I could not possibly come back for a fitting but I made it clear that the reason for this was my disability and the fact that I have to use a wheelchair. After all why should I let on the  fact I'm not rich!  I did however by the most fabulous pair of shoes.

 Even just looking at these makes me feel breathless! Before we went away John relented and we bought the Tiffany lamp that I wanted. He wanted it to them but he was having difficulty justifying it.  Like me he still feels funny about spending money just for the hell of it but this lamp is absolutely gorgeous and it does look just right where I knew that it would.

 I have been doing very well at the dog shows recently. I've had some really good wins and some rather poor losses. For instance my Mary-Grace was thrown out of one class. This is dog talks in meaning that she was not placed. I was shocked and upset because she deserved much better than that and I was not the only person who felt that way. However this is the dog game and one has to accept the good along with the bad. At the same show Alexander at his first show was placed second and Fannie was placed fifth. At their second show Alexander won Best puppy in show and Fanny was placed second and Mary Grace was placed third so this was a much better result for me.

Physically I am doing okay. I seem to be having much more of the neurological problems than I am the physical problems i.e. the pain problems. My balance is terrible and I have already mentioned that I'm having a lot of difficulty using my hands and my speech has also been slurring and I sometimes worry that if people saw me walking along to get into a car to drive it they may call the police to say that a drunk man was about to get into a car and drive it! As awful as that sounds I really am not in any difficulty at all behind the wheel in the car. It is just being on my feet and walking that causes the problems.

One of the most serious problems to raise its head is my inability to drive long distances now without falling asleep and I that am talking just 100 miles. I have been very stubborn about this but I realise that I cannot be because I will kill myself or worse,far worse, kill others.  I have accepted this and have made the decision to have somebody else do the driving. I am very lucky to have somebody who is willing to do this and on the days that it is possible it will also include bringing an extra person and the dog. I think I am extremely fortunate. I was very worried and upset about it because I really thought that this was putting an end to my dog showing days and just when my dreams are beginning to come to fruition.

Isn't it indeed strange how life works out?

 This is my friend Sarah holding Alexander.

LOCKING MYSELF OUT AND MY HEROIC RE-ENTRY

 it turned out to be a rather exciting day. I really didn't want to but I decided that I needed to go and do my swim. I got everything ready including making sure all the locks were locked and that the dogs were safely put away. It gathered together my slimming togs  and my Pepsi Max and off I went out of the door. Leaving my keys on the wrong side of the door.

BUGGER.

What was I going to do. All of our little windows were locked. No child could possibly reach through the letterbox and upwards to where the keys hang. My friend with the spare key is one of these lazy people who works and so therefore was of no use to me whatsoever.

I called using my neighbours telephone the company that made the doors and windows and conservatory. They could not help me as all of their workers were out on jobs. However whilst talking with the gentleman I suddenly remembered that my bathroom window was open! 

Now how the hell was I going to manage to get up there with my fear of heights and ladders. My neighbour placed a ladder against the outhouse (posh shed not a toilet although there is a toilet in there.) and asked me if I was sure that it was secure. Yes it is I said because it was built when mated the rest of the house and we have just had worked men up there replacing all the guttering.

Well guess what I put my walking stick down and I climbed up the ladder myself and I got onto the roof. I opened the  bathroom window as far as it would go which is only halfway because of the security hinges. I cleared everything off the shelf and made sure that it all landed inside the shower.

And now for the real challenge. How the FAQ was I going to get in there!?  Oh I had forgotten to add that my neighbour had brought up onto the roof a step ladder. I climbed this stepladder and by holding on to whatever I could hold onto I put one leg through the window and just kept putting it through until it hit the ground. So I had 1 foot on my bathroom floor and the other foot sticking out of the bathroom window. With a little bit of fidgeting I managed to get the other foot through as well until I was stood upright and then Julienne passed me my walking stick. Of course now not only was I very shaky but very unbalanced but oh I felt so very pleased with myself. I still can't believe that I did this.

And do you know what the most important thing is? The fact that I was slim enough to get through that window! Needless to say I have not gone to my swim and I have just pilled up. I have a feeling I am going to pay for this because I can feel parts that I have not felt for quite some time. I have always had very supple legs and I can still sit in the half lotus position and I have always done so since I was a boy. No one taught me how to do it I just do it it's my natural position.

So whilst I am very disappointed I did not get my swim I am also feeling good and very pleased with myself for having done what I've done. We do have spare keys that other people have but of course they're no FAQ in good if they are out at work .

 I have a feeling that I'm going to pay for this escapade but I do not care because I feel really proud of myself. I would never have believed that I could do what I have done today.  I can feel it beginning to grumble now but all I think is well you can shut the fact up! Look what I did to get here!