KNITMAN

USA NOT A XIAN COUNTRY(and wasn't supposed to be!)

2012-01-31T09:07:00.001Z

"Thomas Paine was a pamphleteer whose manifestos encouraged the faltering spirits of the country and aided materially in winning the war of Independence:
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of...Each of those churches accuse the other of unbelief; and for my own part, I disbelieve them all."
From:
The Age of Reason by Thomas Paine, pp. 8,9 (Republished 1984, Prometheus Books, Buffalo, NY)"

"John Adams, the country's second president, was drawn to the study of law but faced pressure from his father to become a clergyman. He wrote that he found among the lawyers 'noble and gallant achievments" but among the clergy, the "pretended sanctity of some absolute dunces". Late in life he wrote: "Twenty times in the course of my late reading, have I been upon the point of breaking out, "This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it!"

It was during Adam's administration that the Senate ratified the Treaty of Peace and Friendship, which states in Article XI that "the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion."
From:
The Character of John Adams by Peter Shaw, pp. 17 (1976, North Carolina Press, Chapel Hill, NC) Quoting a letter by JA to Charles Cushing Oct 19, 1756, and John Adams, A Biography in his Own Words, edited by James Peabody, p. 403 (1973, Newsweek, New York NY) Quoting letter by JA to Jefferson April 19, 1817, and in reference to the treaty, Thomas Jefferson, Passionate Pilgrim by Alf Mapp Jr., pp. 311 (1991, Madison Books, Lanham, MD) quoting letter by TJ to Dr. Benjamin Waterhouse, June, 1814."

"Thomas Jefferson, third president and author of the Declaration of Independence, said:"I trust that there is not a young man now living in the United States who will not die a Unitarian." He referred to the Revelation of St. John as "the ravings of a maniac" and wrote:
The Christian priesthood, finding the doctrines of Christ levelled to every understanding and too plain to need explanation, saw, in the mysticisms of Plato, materials with which they might build up an artificial system which might, from its indistinctness, admit everlasting controversy, give employment for their order, and introduce it to profit, power, and pre-eminence. The doctrines which flowed from the lips of Jesus himself are within the comprehension of a child; but thousands of volumes have not yet explained the Platonisms engrafted on them: and for this obvious reason that nonsense can never be explained."
From:
Thomas Jefferson, an Intimate History by Fawn M. Brodie, p. 453 (1974, W.W) Norton and Co. Inc. New York, NY) Quoting a letter by TJ to Alexander Smyth Jan 17, 1825, and Thomas Jefferson, Passionate Pilgrim by Alf Mapp Jr., pp. 246 (1991, Madison Books, Lanham, MD) quoting letter by TJ to John Adams, July 5, 1814."

Video: Perhaps the Best HD View of Earth From Space Ever - The Atlantic

2012-01-29T01:11:00.001Z

Video: Perhaps the Best HD View of Earth From Space Ever - The Atlantic

2012-01-29T01:11:00.000Z

Video: Perhaps the Best HD View of Earth From Space Ever - The Atlantic

A PALTRY ONE MILLION POUNDS!!!

2012-01-28T19:34:00.001Z

There is a lot on controversy going on here because the CEO of RBS (an 82% state owned bank since the 'crash') was awarded a million pound bonus on to of his 1.2 million a year. He has now decided not to take it.

I don't think this has anything to do with morality but much to do with jealousy! People are jealous of his success and money, they are not morally outraged, they just fool themselves they are.

If I employed a man or woman and their work stopped me losing money and GAINED me 2 BILLION, I would expect a decent person to be morally outraged if I only rewarded him with a 1.2 million salary and a 1 million bonus!

Now what I DO object to is the fact the USA govt and UK govt bailed the failing banks out. I especially wish that people would remember that it was a RIGHT WING US govt that bailed out the USA banks.

I find it astonishing that less fuss was made about that by the American people than they do at the 'evil' of healthcare for all! Oh, yes, we will pay billions to stop a bank failing, and keep the rich rich, and making them richer, but NO, fuck you, die if you can't afford health care. Yes, we will have socialised military, agriculture, education but healthcare? Are you insane? Um, yes i suppose I am by your terms!

Most people wrongly assume I am a lefty. It would be wrong to assume I am a righty. I am neither.

What gets me about the 'small government' people, is that they say they do not want, and rightly so, a government directing their lives. Yet they want to control the lives of OTHERS! They want to control people's sexual behaviour, they do not want ALL to have the same rights, they do not want women to have control of their own bodies. I think their belief in 'small government' is bulldust.

What about the idea that helping out the poor, the unemployed, the sick etc be left to charity.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

This will mean that people will be more controlled that by a government that cares for it's people REGARDLESS.

Oh no. Charities will refuse to help people they do not approve of. And YOU may think it would not affect you because YOU are not a 'minority' but you can bet your life that the day will come when YOU will not be approved of and if you end up in the shit, you will be denied care, compassion, help because YOU will not be approved of because if left to charity, the basis upon which people will be helped will be completely arbitrary.

It is morally reprehensible to allow people to suffer and die, to be homeless, jobless, and sick and not help them.

We live in a capitalist system and part of it will always be that there will be unemployment and the underprivileged, and the old, the sick, the disabled. AND those of lower mental capacity.

This is the BIG lie that people have swallowed: that we each can through our own endeavour become rich. That is NOT true. It assumes we all have an IQ high enough, have good health, and have talent enough in the RIGHT thing that will bring riches to us.

We also shamefully look down upon those people in low paid job doing work we look down upon yet these people ALLOW us to live the way we do! Bin-men, sewage workers, road workers etc are all vital to our way of life.

I think that we need to take care of our fellows. there are those whose attitude to the sick, the mentally challenged, the disabled etc is 'tough , we don't don't owe them anything'. I can't say anything to that except that mankind does NOT need such people.

NONE of us exists in a vacuum. We all exist with the help of others. Had human beings not become altruistic, I would not be writing this and you would not be reading this. We would not exist.

We all have a right to be who we are. WE have a right to live without a government telling us who we can be or what we should think. We have the right to be as free as is possible. (Total freedom is not possible-anrachy will destroy us all-the more freedom the less security. It is a balancing act.) Government has NO right to dictate to people how they live with Each other, how they raise families, who they marry etc.

It is right that we, the people, care for the people, and that we therefore allow Government to provide, with our money, healthcare, education, security. Laws to stop the strong destroying the weak.

We must find a way of stopping individuals elected to govern us becoming powerful and controlling. They must ALWAYS be reminded they are OUR servants, we are not theirs. We need make sure ORDINARY people make up the majority of government. Being governed by people who are most rich is clearly not working! Nor will it ever. Likewise, we can't be governed those who think we should all be the same and that no one be rewarded for excellence.

I am fully aware that my thoughts are just that. i am not smart enough to organize a raffle let alone a government! I am smart enough to know right from wrong and it is simply wrong that we do not care for our fellows and that we try an control who people are.

Posted by Knitman

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SO SO

2012-01-26T09:33:00.000Z

Well I didn't 'get away' with anything. Can barely move this morning and my legs feel pulled taught. I knew last night I wasn't getting up to swimming because I could just feel the 'being run over by a lorry' feeling was coming on.

This does NOT mean I will abandon the new exercise. I
will do it some more but if this continues to be a problem, I'll stop. It's a no impact exercise -crosstrainer- so it ought to be okay but that rather begs the question why am I so bad today if it's going to be okay? Well, it could just be that my muscles hurt cos they have been doing what they are not used to? Or the crosstrainer movement is bad for me. I only feel tired after a swim, not in pain even if the swim was painful. The crosstrainer got my heart going though-clearly as I was drenched when finished!

Good news is I weighed myself and am 4lbs lighter so I am getting closer to losing all the weight I gained over the year or so of not being able to exercise to my usual level. At least. when I think about it, the weight gain over almost two years was not bad at all. I lost over 100lb in 2005 or thereabouts and I have kept all but 14 off. Now I have lost 7 of those again. That is one of the major pains about my condition-I put on weight very easily, have to be rigid about what I eat AND get enough exercise. This is why I get so grumpy about not exercising. It's also why, no matter how crap my day has been, if I have swum, I feel it was a good day.

My boys Chase and Christophe are 10 weeks and 1 day. They are both very good, super movers but completely different from each other in type.

I prefer Chase as he looks more Apso to me (and to John). That and he is very affectionate and clever. He gives both his paws now and is so pleased with himself he gives them as soon as I look at him!

Christophe is higher on the leg, more athletically built, not much different in head. He is striking when he moves and appears to have a longer neck BUT his coat lays flat whereas Chase's coat is thick and stands out. Christophe might be what I complain about-a super moving well built hairy dog with a passing resemblance to a Lhasa Apso that a lot of judges will fall for. The only way I am going to know is to run both on until grown.

I have done little knitting recently. STILL working on the same socks and same sweaters as I was weeks ago! I have done a fair bit of dyeing though and I have sold well. Maybe because I remembered to advertise!

It's miserable and wet and cold again. Yes, I live in England but one can always hope! I would prefer much colder but dry.
Posted by Knitman

LIGHT OR DARK

2012-01-25T13:47:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

SPONTANEOUS DAY OUT

2012-01-22T21:49:00.000Z

We had a lovely day out at the Queensgate Mall. The first thing that caught my eye as the lift door opened onto the first floor of John Lewis was a brightly embroidered bedspread which i immediately bought as a throw for my armchair. It was one of those 'instant just the thing' things. I also bought a pair of closed Bower & Wilkinson headphones. These, when is use, cannot be heard by anyone else. Not as good sound wise as my Grado 325 is but still very good but most importantly if John is watching snooker or some other dull thing, I can listen to my music with out him hearing my music too.

I also bought a flower pattern shirt for M&S and also more underwear! I have a thing for M&S underwear. these are all base layer underwear-lon legs, long sleeves, close fitting, thermal, thin, and stretchy. Lovely. On my legs I wear a pair of these M&S, a pair ok Nike ski trousers, and on op of that, a merino angora mix long johns. On the top I wear M&S long sleeved vest, another two vests, one thicker and brushed, then my shirt/jumper. Then my coat and hat. Finally I manage to keep warm. If it is colder, I wear my hand knit socks, as always, but with very thick fleece lined socks.

John bought a few history books. Tried to get him to buy clothes or shoes but to no avail. 'I have two pairs of shoes-nothing wrong with them'!!!
We had a good meal in the cafe at John Lewis. I had cooked chicken with cauli and carrots. I was very pleased.
Posted by Knitman

The Gay Rights Movement

2012-01-19T15:39:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

NOT A SIN

2012-01-18T09:19:00.001Z

Irk! Horrid and wet. No wonder Luque and Whitney stayed upstairs when I got up. They must have sensed it. I eventually got them up and out but they just huddled the doors. MG, Pussy, Ada and pups all went out, did it, and the 3 grown ups came back in but the puppies thought they ought to bathe first.

I did not swim. I awoke tired and sore and started the usual argument in my head and them it dawned on me that it isn't a matter of right or wrong! It would be different if I decided to not go ever again. That would be bad for my health. To decide not go because I am sore and tired is reasonable.

As always my winter lightbox has done it's job. I am not slow and lethargic or down. Just 20-30mins a day-or those days when it is dull and grey like today.

Am into the final stretch of my latest pair of socks. Which reminds me I have yarn to sort and label and put in my shop.
Posted by Knitman

ANCIENT AT 25!

2012-01-17T09:33:00.000Z

All chores done on this very cold morning. White with frost. The puppies are out and loving it. They don't care it's cold. The adults only went out long enough to relieve themselves! Won't be able to pick up do do till later today and they have started to defrost a little.

Have a busy day to day. Am going to Boston (Lincolnshire, not Mass.) and will leave here at 10.30am. Possibly back by 2.30pm.

I was sensible and did not go swimming knowing I had to do this today. It still p's me off though that I can't do both!

I am generally feeling better all around though despite a more or less constant hip pain which interferes with sleep. Normally the pain is shared around various parts which is easier. Tho maybe it's just that my hip joint gets used a lot and so pain there is more annoying. My hands whilst stubbornly refusing to work properly at least are not burning constantly.

I am on the one hand pleased with myself for having become much better at pacing myself, which deciding not to go swimming because of my trip today is doing, there is a part of me resentful that I have to.

And whilst I know it is superfluous, I have recently found myself getting irked at kind people suggesting this is 'age'. I can't ignore it and have to point out that my difficulties are not age related! Not that i'm bothered about getting older but I am not old enough to be this stuffed! seriously. I have progressively got worse since my 20's. One doesn't have age degeneration from one's 20's! And it's not normal ageing that relegates a man to using using walking stick and wheelchair in his mid 40's! Blimey, maybe some people think 40 is ancient! More understandable if the comments came from teens but no, they are from the more mature people. I wonder how they got the idea in the first place. Anyway, for some unfathomable reason, it irks me.
Posted by Knitman

DEFENDING MY OWN

2012-01-16T18:40:00.001Z
I was training the puppies to walk on a lead.

A woman came along with her largish terrier loose-off the lead. I immediately stood in front of my puppy and when made noises for the terrier to go. He ignored me and as he got closer I moved my walking stick toward him which he promptly walked into.The woman all the while was saying 'he won't hurt it'.

I personally don't give a f*ck! She should have had the dog on the lead, it's the law, and she should have called him off as soon as she realised he was approaching a little puppy (or any dog).

She reacted to me as if i had been really unbelievably mean bad I bet she went home and said some awful man hit her dog! I said nothing to her at all because I would have been very rude. I just said NO loudly a few times, to no avail, to the dog.

The dog seemed like a really nice chap, well cared for, handsome but he should NOT have been off the lead.
In marked contrast to the woman walking her Pit Bull who as soon as she saw me and puppy she crossed the road. Now that is a RESPONSIBLE dog owner. The dog just eyed his breakfast as he went past forlornly.
Posted by Knitman

MG PUPS INDOORS

2012-01-15T19:04:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

MG PUPS 15 01 2012

2012-01-15T16:45:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

DINNER 15 01 2012

2012-01-15T16:29:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

BETWEEN MY LEGS

2012-01-15T09:49:00.001Z
I had an excellent night.

In Lidl yesterday they were selling the pillows I often see in German hotels. They are about 5 ft long. I have always put them on the floor and just used my memory foam pillow which I take whenever I am sleeping away. Anyway, the blurb on the packing said 'offers support for side sleepers' and I knew immediately what they meant. I sleep on my side and usually put the duvet between my legs. Not last night. I used my new pillow. I slept for a whole 5 hours without waking and when I did I was in the same position as when I settled. Such a simple aid and it works very well for me.

It is still very cold out. -1c. Stuff os frozen white. I prefer this to damp and grey which makes me hurt more. I got my layering right yesterday and i was only just beginning top feel the cold after being out for 3 hours. My feet not at all.

One of the girls, Ada or Pussy, is going to come into season judging from the way everyone is behaving. It appears to be Ada they keeping sniffing but her fanny looks completely normal. I think they give an indication weeks before their season. If it is Ada, I shall breed her.
Posted by Knitman

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS

2012-01-14T18:42:00.000Z
I had a very strange experience today. I am still not sure what I think about it.

A security guard in a shop we were in spoke to me when I said 'hello' as I rode by in my wh/chair. We got chatting and he eventually asked me what had happened to me, pointing to my wheelchair.

I realised he thought I had had an accident. I said 'no I have a neurological problem' having no wish to list my ills! He then said 'I hope you get well soon' and I responded that I wouldn't get well and will likely get worse.

His response is what has left me ...I cannot think of a word that describes how I feel. He got really upset and said he would pray for me. I told him I was happy and it could be very much worse. I told him how good my life is and how I would not want to go back. He was still upset and he then said 'you are far too nice to have this'.

I have never ever had a reaction like this from anyone, let alone a total stranger. He was Indian and spoke Urdu (we chatted for quite a while). He clearly was an empathetic man.

I know I react in similar ways which is why i am careful what I watch or read and I also tend to keep myself more protected. I found myself trying to comfort this stranger! trying to tell him how it really isn't that bad, I do really have a good life. This is one of those encounters I shall never forget.
Posted by Knitman

SOCK GROUP

2012-01-11T22:48:00.001Z
Okay if you want to get all the files relating to my toe up sock method join;

ColinsSockKAL-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Posted by Knitman

JELLY LEGS

2012-01-11T16:37:00.001Z
I just wrote out the instructions for my Andersson Heel Mach II (revised). They've been posted to my group. I have used this revised heel for a long time so it was time I wrote it down.

Last night bed was yuk a lot of pain and I didn't get up for swimming as I had finally slept sitting up. I ought to have gone swimming regardless. Instead I took enough morphine and went for a walk. As expected, the pain subsided as I walked and the pills did their job. Pillock!!! I forgot that even without the pain I was asking for trouble and sure enough I got jelly legs and thought I was going to have call for help to get home. I didn't- I made it home and have been sat on my bum for the last 4 hours. Stubborn git. So I just have to be sure to get up for the pool no matter how I sleep. I can always go back to bed.

Still, during this 4 hours I have sorted out the sound on my music playback program which streams to the hifi. It's a bugger. Sometimes I long for a simple base and treble since I have no idea what Hi or Lo shelf, or HiPass or Lo Pass or Parametric or Emph or RIAA or Notch are! However, through farting about I get an idea what they do and I now have it sounding the way I liker it to sound. Using Room Node-50hz and all 4 doodahs set High Shelf and the 3 slidy things for each of the 4 were slid about until I got what i wanted. A sound engineer I am not but this sounds good to me.
Posted by Knitman

MIND OVER MATTER - a dirty little secret.

2012-01-10T18:25:00.000Z
I am sure that like me you have heard a few rather vociferous and famous scientists mocking the idea that the human mind survives the death of the human body. Clearly they also deny the possibility of a God. To meet these are two entirely separate things and I have no intention of talking about the possibility of God in this article.

I have found myself recently pointing out to one or two people that to say that there is no evidence at all for life after death is all for the mind being separate from the body is a lie. The response I always get back is that the evidence is not put forth by bone fide scientists and has been proved to be nonsense.

Guess what? This is not true.

There are a number of highly educated and highly intelligent physicists who are like me, Dualists. By this it is meant that we believe that mind is not the byproduct of chemicals in the brain that is in fact separate from the brain. Quantum physicists will tell you that matter is affected by the consciousness. This can only be so if mind and matter are separate entities.

I have no intention of arguing the toss here about the evidence stockpiled by parapsychologists. According to some scientists that if this evidence were to do with another branch of science it would be considered proof.

However, many materialist scientists reject entirely the evidence put forth by quantum physicists and other scientists because they do not want Dualism to be true. They reject scientific evidence because of an emotional need, just like the religionists they mock. So for them materialism is not science but an ideology. Classical physics has more or less been proven to be wrong by quantum physics the materialists specifically biologists refuse to acknowledge or accept this.

So the next time somebody mocks you for believing that mind is separate from the brain know that you are in very good company. The next time they lie to you and tell you that there is no acceptable evidence for this to be so, just be aware that what they say is untrue and that they are wedded to their belief just as surely as any religious fundamentalist.

It is not a coincidence that one or two of these famous scientists are accused of being just like Religious Fundamentalists. They are. They are refusing to acknowledge evidence that clearly refutes their materialist view of the world. This is precisely what religionists do.

One of the arguments put forward as proof that the mind cannot be separate from the brain is the tragedy that we witness in the behaviour of a person with something like Alzheimer's disease or other brain damage. It is said that if the brain was being controlled by a mind, and the mind was not being produced by the brain, then we would not witness this tragedy.

And then think of a television. In a functioning television we see pictures on the screen. And we know that the impetus for these pictures and for the sound is coming through the air and the television is interpreting them. We do not say when television malfunctions that therefore the picture and sound must be a product of the TV and not of the airwaves.

Quantum physics is not an easy subject to read. Nor is it likely that a nonscientist would fare very well in a debate as one would easily become bamboozled. Which of course the materialist scientist is fully aware of and takes full advantage of.

Really the whole point of this is not to prove that there is life after death, not to prove that there is a God, but merely to show that it is neither superstitious ignorant or unintelligent for people to believe and that there are more to human beings than we realise and that part of that is that our consciousness is not just a byproduct of our brains! Our sense of self is not a trick of the brain.

SCIENCE AND THE NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE BY CHRIS CARTER

I have only read the first chapters which deal purely with scientific theory of materialism, dualism, localism and stuff. NOT light reading but fascinating. I cannot hope to precise what he explains so well. It is well worth reading.
Posted by Knitman

SILLY SOD 09 01 2012

2012-01-08T19:33:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

DON'T RUIN YOUR DAY

2012-01-05T17:21:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

GAY ENOUGH TO MARRY

2012-01-03T14:32:00.001Z
July 7th this year is our 31st anniversary. We met, I went to his home and never left. It was love at first sight. It was Tuesday July 7th 1981, early evening.

We are to marry at Ely Registry Office at 3pm on Saturday July 7th 2012.

When we first met we never dreamed that would happen. There was an awful lot of hatred for us from the Religious Right and the Church in those days which only got worse. We wondered if we'd get old or be in camps by now like during WWII. There was talk of this when HIV firs hit. MP's suggested we all be interned in camps and put on an island somewhere.

Yet instead we are to marry. Whilst it is called a Civil Partnership, the present Conservative Prime Minister has stated that it will become full marriage with all the same rights. Right now we will have financial and next of kin security which is all we want. We don't want anyone to interfere medically with either of us and should John die, I will receive his pension just as a wife would. All our legal documents will state we are legally a couple.

There are some gay people against this. I don't accept their arguments as to why and strongly object to them trying to do to us what str8's have done to us always! They seem to think we are not gay enough and want to be 'pretend' str8's. How puerile! No it's about security and being legally recognised. I don't give a toss what anyone else accepts or doesn't. As for not being gay enough, I cannot think of anything more radical than living an ordinary life right in the midst of all the str8's, not needing to live in a gay ghetto in order to feel validated.

Now what to wear? Will I be seated in Daniel? Or will I be stood up on my sticks? Subdued clothing or all out dog show outfit? Crumbs, only 6 months to get ready!
Posted by Knitman

EXTRAVAGANCE

2012-01-03T11:09:00.000Z
My swim went well. Am getting better at using legs properly. I can get back to my routine now.

Going to have to work this out when John retires at end of April. We are having another room built on the back of the house so we can do stuff together or separate. I do not like being out of sync.

Mind you this Xmas/New Year was very good. Until last night, we ate Chinese, I ate nothing I ought not. I had said that I wanted no goodies and if I was going to the stuff I am allergic too, it would be the last day of the holiday so I could swim the next morning.

So far it worked. I woke with a thumping head but it has gone and so far no other effects. I feel really good about it actually. I stuck to what I said I'd do. Xmas/New Year is always a problem food wise. It usually has me eating the wrong foods too often and being ill for the two weeks. Not this time. I enjoyed the time with John.

Did I mention the real extravagance of a second coffee machine? This one is not a bean to cup but uses pads or ground-which was the reason for getting it. There are a lot of coffees only available ground. Now I can have all sorts of different coffees but most especially much easier for my evening de-caff.

The weather is terrible today. Very high winds with rain. It makes the house sound like a train. Very loud. Even the dogs got disturbed.

Listening to records today. Real records on a turntable. So far have listened to Amy MacDonald's A Curious Thing and now Laura Marling's I Speak Because I Can.
Posted by Knitman

ME with ADA, PUSSY, WHITNEY, MARY-GRACE (L TO R)

2012-01-02T23:16:00.001Z

Posted by Knitman

I NEED DRUGS!!!!!

2012-01-02T11:57:00.001Z
I would prefer this post to be positive but then I write it for me not for you so I need to be honest.

I don't feel happy right now. Oh, not depressed, just upset. It isn't always possible to ignore people.

One thing I will NOT tolerate from anyone is their mocking me or trying to shame me when they disagree with an idea of mine. i never mind disagreement, just as well, but I will NOT be mocked or shamed by anyone. This was someone I had in my friend list and with whom I had discussed things before. I was completely taken aback at their nastiness. More so when they seemed to think all would continue as normal. NO! They are not on my list now. I just don't have such people in my life. Don't respect me? Then fuck off.

What has really upset me was that during a discussion about end of life and disease and drug therapy, I mentioned my troubles and the drugs I take.

This brought some horrendous posts, attacking me, accusing me of being an addict, or warning me I will become one, or that I ought to be looking for other ways of dealing with my pain and other arrogant twaddle. Not ONE word of empathy from anyone. Not one word about how awful it must be to have to live with 24/7 pain. No. Just judgement and downright mean spiritedness.

I know these people are not important to me. I was shocked by their attacks.

For years I suffered because I believed a lot of twaddle about medication. I refused to take meds. How I lived with the pain I do not know but I know it was awful, it severely limited my life. It made me very difficult to live with and made my mood dark. I did not enjoy life.

All because ignorant people with an agenda had convinced me over the years that pain medication was bad, turned all users of them into addicts, and destroyed lives. This on top of the real horrors I had experienced with psychiatric meds, which I did NOT need but was the way they chose to keep me quiet, I was very very reluctant to take drugs.

At the end of 2007, I was in so much pain, I gave in and took my first dose of Tramadol. WOW! Did I get high? No! Did I feel anything? Yes! Within an hour I felt relief from pain for the first time in years! After a few days I was at the Dr concerned that the drugs were making me high. Why, she asked? I feel really good I said! Well, she said, you will be if your pain is down!Duh!

The most I have ever experienced is a facial flush and a feeling of vagueness from taking morphine.

In the 4 years since then, I am still on Tramadol but also Gabapentin (added this year-makes a huge difference and is very effective in pain dampening enough to help me sleep. Meaning it is not a sleep inducing drug but keeps the pain from waking me, thus I get 6hrs usually without waking.) and the dreaded Morphine was added almost 3 years ago. I am still on all of these and they work. I take varying amounts of the morphine depending on pain levels.

Without medication, I would not be able to toilet myself, dress myself, bathe myself, eat or cook for myself. Not permanently. It varies, some days better than others. Without medication I'd have a very limited life.

Rather than say I am upset, I guess it is more truthful to just say I am angry. I just don;t know how people can be so ignorant and cruel and in their arrogance f think they have every right to question a person's medical needs!!!! WTF do they think they are?

Why has this post turned out to be me justifying my medication use?

GRRRR!

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!! No one but me and my Doctor has ANY business discussing my needs.

Now some facts: untreated pain causes nerve damage. Not taking pain killers makes it much more difficult to deal with the pain when one does take the meds. Meaning when I first took painkillers it was only when it had reached a pitch I could not cope with. i have a high pain tolerance. Anyway, I would then take the pills. The relief was limited and didn't last very long. I resisted the advice to take the paracetamol and tramadol 4 times a day to keep the pain controlled and to use the morphine as a top up when the pain grew. it is possible that the reason i now take a lot is because I refused to do this! By so doing, I added to my problems and it now takes more to do the trick. I just could not get my head around taking drugs when I didn't feel the need. Taking pk's 4 times a day when I was not in agony seemed wrong to me. It seemed wrong because of the ignorant views about drugs and addiction that I had been taught.

Now I take my pills regularly, I don't argue. I am able to live better as a result. I take enough to give me a good quality of life. No, drugs do not make miracles! I am still limited. I still cannot live as if I don't have a disease. I don't expect to. So whilst drugs enable me to swim, for example, it does not enable me to live as if I were not disabled. Exhaustion overtakes me. I may not feel the pain activity causes, but I still get overly fatigued. Like Joh n and I walked the other day. Although it was pain free enough to complete the walk, John had to take my boots off and help me undress when it was over. After a dog show he often has to do the same.

Anyway, if any of you are like I used to be and are 'soldiering on', thinking it is good to not take meds, think again. there is nothing weak about taking meds. They have been developed for a reason-to help us! There is nothing heroic in suffering needless pain. My good friend has only recently taken up my suggestion that she try Gabapentin. She has and the difference in her quality of life was immediate. Like me, she resisted drugs. Like me she was afraid of them. She thought they would stop her driving, doing dog shows etc. It has not. What it has done is make her much happier and more able. It is a real pleasure to see the difference it has made in her.

Well, I feel better now! Now i am off to pop some pills!

(PS: yes drugs can shorten life. We know this. We have to decide between a possibly shorter life which is liveable or a long dependent pain filled life. Which to choose is obvious!)
Posted by Knitman

MG PUPS 30 12 2011

2011-12-30T21:52:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

the Crazy Watering Can

2011-12-27T22:38:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

IT'S A SIN (isn't it?)

2011-12-27T20:23:00.003Z

The world can often seem a very frightening place. We look around and we see the harm that people do each other. There is nowhere on this earth where people are not set against other people. It can often seem completely overwhelming and out of our control.
Is there anything that we can do about it?
Yes, I believe that there is.Unfortunately, it requires an opening of the mind of each individual. Therein lies the problem.
I have often said, because I firmly believe it, that if we get the rearing of our children right we will see most of the ills of this world disappear.
Few children are brought up with unconditional love and few are taught how to think. Rather they are taught that they have to be good enough to be loved and have to believe what they are told to believe in order to be accepted.
This sets the child up to be a guilt ridden adult who is unable to think critically and even if they have doubts about the beliefs they have been given guilt and shame will prevent them from thinking for themselves.
One of the most insipid destroyers of critical thinking is religious teaching. The premise that we are but sinful creatures who have to spend our lives atoning for this fact in the hope that we may please a vengeful and fearful God, set people up or failure and shame. Shame-based people will commit all sorts of foul deeds and cause much misery to themselves and to others. They will also be blind and I’m thinking and will see nothing wrong in passing on their belief system to their children. In fact the most affected will feel very strongly that they must “save” their children by making them think and believe the way they have been taught.
It can be difficult to reconcile today’s modern world with everything that we know about people and about science and about history, and primitive religious beliefs and ritual.
Women who wear wigs so as not to show their real hair, people who do not eat certain foods, people who will not work on a given day, people who believe that saying a few prayers will absolve them of all their mistakes and free them from their affects, people who believe that an unbaptised child will never enter the kingdom of heaven, people who believe that dressing a certain way makes them good and people who believe that other people, just by their nature, are deserved of death, people who believe that to worm, de-flea, de-tick a dog is wrong, who believe that not eating meat is the way to heaven. Yes, these are the ridiculous and damaging beliefs that people hold.Just a few of the beliefs of course. the reason for most people believing such unjust and ridiculous ideas is because they were indoctrinated as children. The powers that be in religion know that in order to retain their power they must control the minds of the people and the best way to do this is by teaching children from the earliest opportunity.This way is the most certain route to having unthinking and obedient adults.
It is very much harder to actually try and be a good person, to act unselfishly, to question one’s own motives, to give freely, to love unencumbered by judgement, to listen, to feel compassion, and help another to realise themselves, then it is to follow ritual and the words of a book by rote.
The only hope that we have is to stop abusing our children, to stop being afraid of them, to stop believing that children are born wicked and wild and must be brought under control by their upbringing.instead we must recognise that what we put into children is what comes out when they are adult. Despite religious teaching to the contrary, bringing a child up with unconditional love and encouraging the child to be the best that they can be rather than what we want them to be, will result in adults who value themselves and value other people and are therefore much less likely to harm others. Such people will not be ready to go to war for any old reason, they will not be ready to condemn other people based on their sex, sexuality, or race and most importantly they will not be susceptible to the control freaks and power mongers of religion. This being so they are hardly likely to succumb to religious brainwashing and therefore cannot pass this virulent wickedness onto their own children.
All one has to do is listen to or read people who have succumbed to religious teaching. It is very obvious that their critical mind has been successfully turned off. They cannot see the evil and irrationality inherent in what they are proposing is the Truth. Strangely, their critical thinking ability does not fail them when demolishing a different religious ideology to their own! They can see the flaws and wickedness inherent in other people’s religious beliefs, but not in their own.
There is a well-known British journalist who is Jewish and a supporter of the state of Israel, who writes about other religions and other ideologies and homosexual people in precisely the same manner that Hitler and the Nazis wrote and spoke about Jews which resulted in the Holocaust. To me this woman and her views are abhorrent yet she is paid to expound upon her views on the BBC and is often on a panel questioning people about ethics! This is the sort of thing that happens when people have been taught to believe in a particular way and when people are afraid to criticise another person just because they belong to a particular group and one is afraid that one’s criticism will be construed as racism or anti-Semitism. (Do a Google search for Melanie Phillips and read some of her articles.)
The hardest work of anybody’s life is self examination and being who we are. We will be opposed every step of the way. There will always be other people trying to prevent you realising yourself, trying to control your thoughts and your actions. The most common way for people to do this is through religion and through the admonishment that ‘It’s a Sin’. This control mechanism is very old and very successful. Yet, there would be far less in in this world if we did not try and control others for our own ends.
It is our personal responsibility to deal with our own fears, our own anger, our own thought processes, our own flaws, our own lives. We are not responsible for what other people, adults do and think, but we are responsible for how we react to them. If we give out condemnation, violence, and rejection to those we disagree with WE are at fault.
I believe that all human beings are worthy of love, respect, and care. This I believe regardless of how the human being behaves or thinks. Of course as a human being I find it impossible to feel and act on this 100% of the time. It is unrealistic for me to expect that of myself or of anybody else. However, it is not unrealistic to expect that I do not deliberately harm another and that I do manage.
We treat other people the way that we are inside not because of the way they are outside. It is always down to us as individuals. Blaming the other is a negation of our personal responsibility.
We must of course not by our behaviour and actions condone unacceptable behaviour. Unacceptable behaviour should always be met with intolerance. This does not mean that it is valid to treat people who behaved unacceptably in a hateful and hurtful manner.
If I could take a magic wand and by waving it alter my world, I would wish that every person on the planet would truly love and accept themselves.
FIRST PUBLISHED IN DECEMBER 2010
Posted by Knitman

Funny Nativity

2011-12-27T11:23:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

SOCKS AND CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS

2011-12-26T00:21:00.001Z

This is a pair I am doing named Tipsy. I dyed the yarn using my sw merino/nylon yarn. The colours were chosen by a client for whom I painted yarn in a different shade to these but same colours. I call them Tipsy because the pattern meanders in and out.

I have been reading (why oh why?) what was termed as outpourings of grief and sadness at the death of Christopher Hitchens by various prominent Xian clergy. I am so angry I can't write or even think clearly so I will have to leave it but for now my blood boils at the evil dressed as piety that I read. There was no such grief or sadness in any of what I read but only the cruel hubris of these wickedly minded people. How can they believe such evil and believe it love? Me, a nobody, can see this. WTF can't they? Oh, I have spent most of my life believing I must be wrong. Not any more. I have learned my gut lurches and takes to twisting and nausea like it has been kicked bang in the centre because it is confronted by evil and not because I cannot think or I misunderstand. I understand all too well and it sickens me greatly.

Posted by Knitman

TO ALL WHO COME BY HERE

2011-12-24T22:39:00.000Z
I hope that each of you wring as much Joy as is available out of each of your future days. Celebrate your magnificent selves and your possibilities. Cling not to your ideas but open your self to embrace change and the freedom that comes with it.

Posted by Knitman

MY DOGS AND PUPPIES XMAS EVE 2011

2011-12-24T21:42:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

WHY?

2011-12-23T10:27:00.000Z
Did you know?

Whilst we are standing still, leg muscles and brain communicate to keep one balanced. Little muscle contractions take place without our knowledge. Now I know why I fall so easily. My GP explained it to me Wednesday. The communication between my brain and muscles is not good and part of my disease process. I like to know these things.

I always ask WHY? It used to really piss off the nuns, teachers, parents, most adults. WHY? I am now 53 and still asking WHY? I hope I never stop.

One reason people hate people who ask WHY? is that it makes them very uncomfortable because 1. they have to think 2. it might show flaws in their thinking and 3.will show up the motive behind the thinking.

I have always been inquisitive. I was punished for it severely as a child, made to feel wicked and ashamed for it. I did not understand why. So of course I asked why!

I did not know that why? is a challenge that makes people very uncomfortable. Why? leads to the truth if you ask it often enough. We stop asking why? when the answers start to make US uncomfortable. It is at this point that give in, conform, and lose ourselves. Life becomes stagnant. But at least we feel safe. Or so we tell ourselves.

We abhor uncertainty. It is very frightening to us. We develop ideas that make us feel safe. We shut off why?and our thinking becomes black and white. Religion is a good example of this. The more the rigidity of belief, the frightened and the more powerless the fundamentalist feels and the more threatened by why? they become. This is not confined to traditional religion but also to New Age thinking and even scientific thinking. Just because one is a scientist does not make one immune to fear and the need for certainty can be just as strong as it is in religious fundamentalists.

WHY? led me to the excellent, happy life I now have. My mental, emotional, spiritual agony has been replaced by an acceptance of myself and the realisation that all that happened to me as a child happened because of who my abusers were and not because of who I am. This was my epiphany. This broke the chains that bound me. This gave me my life and freedom, as far as any one can be free. The agony I lived with for most of my life is indescribable but enough to say that I would not trade my pain wracked body for it! Meaning that although I am now in 24/7 pain, take 40 pills a day, am a wheelchair user, and cannot function well, I accept it because it is so much less painful than my previous mental/emotional/spiritual state.

I still ask why? Not just of others but of myself. It is important to ask why? of ourselves. It helps to us to get to know ourselves. If we do not know ourselves then we cannot know why we do what we do, feel what we feel.

A simple example: there was a man I'd meet at the dog shows that I had a stronger aversion to, so much so, it bothered me greatly. At first it didn't, i just didn't like him. It was when this not liking grew into a strong dislike, that i started to question myself as to why because I could not give a reason. He had done nothing to deserve my reaction and it was not enough to say my 'intuition' told me he was a bad person. One day, the answer came. I saw him walking toward me and in an instant I saw not him, but the man who had caused me so much grief growing up. From that moment my antipathy toward this man melted away.

We don't always believe what we believe for the reasons we think we believe. no. We tend to believe what makes us feel comfortable.

I have one belief that makes me uncomfortable. It is one I cannot deny to myself. Experience and evidence is too strong to dismiss. I believe our consciousness survives physical death. I would rather this was not so but I cannot deny it. It presents me with all sorts of difficulties, not he least of which is that I have very good reason to believe that religion is incorrect and that scientific knowledge is mistaken. I don't have the answers of course. I can believe something is wrong without having a better explanation. I jst know that our consciousness survives intact, the death of our bodies and WE continue to exist. Why?

I do not know but I continue to ask why? I am at least in good company because no one knows why despite many protestations to the contrary! Scientist know that death is the end, and Fundies not only know, they know why and know the mind of God to boot! (Mind you, different Fundies KNOW differently! Would be very amusing if it did not cause such agony tot he human race.)

Posted by Knitman

RELIGIOUS SLAUGHTER IS CRUEL

2011-12-22T10:48:00.002Z
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/end-cruel-religious-slaughter-say-scientists-1712241.html

My point in the post Shame Upon You was NOT which method of slaughter is more cruel. My point is that religious ideology ought NOT be enshrined in law. Secular slaughter is different and the religious method is illegal. It it not be legal for anyone, regardless of belief.

Again, we each have the right to believe as we wish. None of us have the right to have our beliefs respected and none of us have the right to force our religious beliefs upon others.
Posted by Knitman

MY SPECIAL GIRL - Whitney

2011-12-21T23:08:00.001Z

Posted by Knitman

SHAME UPON YOU

2011-12-21T12:20:00.001Z
I am constantly astonished at the seeming lack of shame and lack of education that people display.

There is a woman named Anne Rice who is a famous author. She has her own page on Facebook. On this page she stands up against bigotry and prejudice in all its forms.Yet many of those who post there do so to lambast her for targeting, so they say, specific groups of people!

Like today she published a link to a story regarding a commotion on a bus in Israel because religious men wanted the woman sitting in the front seat on the bus to go to the back of the bus. Yes, I kid you not.

Not only was I appalled at the amount of people that criticise this woman instead of the men, but also those who accuse Anne of being anti-Semite just because she published this link!

It is the same when she publishes stories regarding the horrendous abuse of children by the Roman Catholic church and other groups. More people seem to write in denigrating her for her so-called attacks on religion rather than showing any care at all for the abused children.

People constantly try to shut her up. They lie about her. They write the most vile tripe against her. The worst of these are the religious fundamentalists. No surprises there then.

Her page shows very clearly how it works. How evil does what it can to turn off the light. It is clear that Ms Rice cares very deeply for people, that she discriminates not against people but against behaviours and ideas. People, some deliberately, some because they are too stupid, do not see the difference between ideas and people.

We each have the right to have our beliefs, to believe anything we want. What we do not have the right to respect for it. By that I mean respect for our beliefs. NO WAY! It is wrong to expect other people to behave in accordance with your religious belief. Completely wrong. It is not right to demand that other people observe or even respect your religious beliefs.

Marriage is a social contract that protects the individuals involved. It has nothing to do with religion. I don't care what your religious beliefs are, you do NOT have the right to have your version of marriage hold sway. This is why in many countries marriage can be between those of the same sex as well as those of the opposite sex. So it should be. It is NOT your business. A person's religious beliefs should never encroach on equality for all and a person's liberty.

It is NOT an affront to your liberty or freedom when you are denied the power to impose your religious beliefs upon others. It is a stand for human rights when you are prevented from doing so. It would be an affront to you if you were prevented from having your places of congregation to share in an idea. It would be wrong to discriminate against you in the field of work, or anywhere, but that does NOT mean that your observances must be met. No way. Once again, you cannot demand respect for your ideas. None. So if it is against your belief to work at a particular hour or place, then do not get a job that requires it.

In this country is is illegal to slaughter animals inhumanely unless you are Jewish or Islamic! This makes a complete mockery of the anti cruelty laws! If humanely slaughtered animals mean it would offend your religious ideas to eat the meat, then DON'T! But do not demand the law be broken for your ideas! It is already broken here in the UK, shame on those who allowed it.

Far far too much is being giving to religionists. We are giving away our liberty, our freedom. We see what happens when religion takes precedence-Israel, Palestine, Afghanistan, Iran. Yet look at what is happening in the USA. A slow but sure turn to that type of government. People with the extreme religious views are gaining power. People are falling for it. They are, and this is really the most shameful and unbelievable thing, VOTING for it! Oh right now they just think that it will be us homosexuals who will be got rid of-make no mistake-Perry, Bachmann et al want us dead-but it will soon be YOU they do not like because you don't observe well enough, or the right way, or your skin is not quite the right shade, or your eyes are the wrong colour, or your accent is not right or because God only loves them not YOU.

And you know what? You will have asked for it. You will have deserved it. Yes, when your liberty has gone, when you can no longer think as you please, when you are controlled by a religious government, told what to think, to say, to eat, to wear, you will have no one to blame but yourselves.

Which side are you going to be on? Yours? Or the enemy's? Because if you are against me and my kind, or people of different ethnic or religious backgrounds, or different tongues, different skin, think that women should be told what to do with their bodies, think women should be subservient to men as a matter of course, think children are property, then you are on the side that is against YOU! If you think your religious ideas ought to be law, then you are against yourself. It really is that simple. You cannot hate just 'them'. By so doing, you hate ALL and you will pay the price. No doubt about that.

None at all.
Posted by Knitman

MG PUPS 29 DAYS

2011-12-15T20:53:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

EVIL PERSONIFIED

2011-12-15T17:14:00.000Z
I have always rejected the notion that people can BE evil. Think evil, behave evilly, but not BE.

Having seen many of the posts on your page (a famous author who posts stories about the appalling abuse of children and women by Religion)over a long period of time from religionists spouting hatred toward homosexuals, women, children coming here not to share their horror at the abuse by RC priests and Protestant pastors/vicars etc, but to defend them.

Recently, on another site, there was an article about a young gay man living on the brink of suicide in a place where h e is not excepted. The religionists were out in force telling him he was seriously bad, God would forgive him if only he'd repent. That God could and would make him him heterosexual.

I reluctantly came to the conclusion that these people are evil personified. What they believe, their faith, their actions, all of it-evil. I thought that with patience, tolerance, explanation, behaving well toward them etc might make a difference. How stupid was I!

These people are not stupid-they are just evil with closed minds and nothing can affect change on a closed mind, not even God.

It does warm me though that one Southern Baptist woman has seen the light and has left her church because of it's hatred of homosexuals. She means it too because she said to me that her realisation that homosexuality was NOT a feeling or an action but a state of being. I realised that not only did she mean it but she UNDERSTOOD! However, she is a rare entity and her change had nothing to do with me. I will no longer be putting myself out there in my ludicrous attempt to illuminate savages into compassion or understanding. I get it now. Really, do NOT cast pearls before swine because it's YOU who will slip on them and end up broken.

(BTW I have used the term Relgionist because I am not referring to just one dogma/creed. I include Islam, Judaism , Xianity, and any belief which condemns people not behaviour.)
Posted by Knitman

GOOD ENOUGH

2011-12-14T11:51:00.000Z
I am feeling good. Let me say that physically things are doing better, really MUCH better. No idea how long this remisson will last but I am making the most of it. My drugs have been upped and that certainly helps but even with drugs, I am not normally as mobile as I am right now and have been for a few days. Emotionally I am much better too. Excercise certainly helps.

That wounded child in me does kick off at times and all i can do is ride it out. he doesn't kick off so much now nor as badly.

Our favourite restaurant called to let me know that they have a cancellation for Friday night, my birthday!!! So we will be eating at the Plate and Porter.

We have the plans for the extension/conservatory, and a quote. The builder comes on Saturday to give us his quote for his part of the job.

Plus we have got the deeds to our house back, free of any clauses now. The IRS stop on it has been removed as if it were never there. WE also have had more money back from them!

I did not write the following but I agree 100% and it is what i have tried to explain many times but nowhere near as well as this:

I would like to share what I have found to be at the core of such destructive attitudes and behaviors and it is nothing more than FEAR. Fear stands for: False Evidence Appearing Real. Here is clarity and truth. At the heart of this issue is a fear that every human shares.... That somehow we are not good enough the way we are. That we are separated from "God" in whatever form you imagine him in, because there is something very wrong with us.

This is the most destructive illusion that could possibly be conceived. Why? Because we can only give what we have to give. If I believe I am not good enough, that there is something wrong with me, and I need to be "saved", then that is exactly what I am going to project or give to others. NOTHING is more toxic, more destructive, or more contagious, than fear. It is the ultimate game of Dominoes, but with devastating consequences, as we have read about here. (continued in another post)
All of this is an illusion. I know it is an illusion, because fear has to create illusions in order to live, and fear is ALWAYS destructive. The belief that we need to be saved, and thereby need to save others who are not "good enough", has spawned the most horrific atrocities ever committed by man against man. Think about it. There are limitless examples.

So here's the real world solution. It has been said, "Know the truth and the truth will set you free." It literally is that simple. See that belief for what it is, an illusion of fear. It is not real, it is not true. We can no more be separated from our God-like nature than we could be separated from our heart and still live. If someone else makes you feel like you are bad, or not good enough, it is only because they believe that about themselves and are projecting it onto you. You KNOW this because that is what they are giving to you, and you can only give what you have to give. They are saying out loud for everyone to hear, that they don't believe they are good enough.

the above is precisely why i object to religion so strongly, most especially the one I have had shoved down my throat most of my life, Xianity. I don;t believe because my conscience will not allow me to think of people in this way-deserving of destruction except possibly thru the Grace of god should we believe the Jesus story. Madness. Cruel. Just as the above describes.
Posted by Knitman

FRIGHTENED

2011-12-13T11:57:00.001Z
I feel truly terrible this morning. on another forum that I have been involved in recently 3 different people's have been posting deliberate lies about me. The last person who did this wrote a supposed to letter from me that I had sent privately which makes it clear that I'm a fundamentalist Christian and I am being evil toward him who isn't a Xian.
Well you know that the last thing I am is a fundamentalist let alone a Christian. However the other 2 and their writings are not so easily see through. There is also no way I could contact anyone on that forum privately because our e-mail addresses are not published anywhere.

Yes I know I ought to just let it go and ignore these sick and twisted people but it has really pressed my buttons. If you have been reading my blog you know just how much I have suffered because of the lies of other people. you will know that I lost nearly 2 years of my life to psychiatric institutions because of the lies of other people. this morning I am so close to tears, I am shaking, and I just feel terribly bad.I know that this is what the writers intended and I hate the fact that I have given it to them, tho I am not writing this on that forum and it is not likely that they know about my blog.

I get so angry at myself for being so fucking sensitive. I feel ashamed of it. I'm a grown man and I can still be made to feel like a frightened little boy. Those of you who don't understand what flashbacks are won't understand the space I am in right now but the few who do will understand.

I am going to go through a swim and see if I can swim through this.
Posted by Knitman

A Christian's Rebuttal to Rick Perry

2011-12-12T22:21:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

MG PUPS 24 DAYS

2011-12-10T12:58:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

NO PLEASING GOD

2011-12-09T06:34:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

IT GOT BETTER

2011-12-07T20:32:00.001Z
Bear with me that there is a point to the following: I am 53 years old and I live with chronic pain which severely limits my life. Despite 40 pills a day, including opiates, I am never pain-free. I am never physically comfortable. I cannot go to the Pictures. I cannot watch a DVD all the way through. I often have to sleep in my chair. Getting dressed is a major operation that takes much time. I have neurological problems stemming from brain damage caused to me by the violence of my abusive childhood. I also have spinal stenosis. I also have heart disease. But I am free.. I love my life I love myself. I have had a husband for the last 30.5 years and I have my dogs. I have very many positive things in my life. My life is far far far better than I ever dreamt possible. The mere fact that I am almost 53 years old is just amazing.

I grew up with parents that hated me. I was born gay. It was obvious that I was gay by the time I was a toddler. I suffered greatly at the hands of my parents. As a result of this, I was conditioned so that I was very easily bullied and taken advantage of. I became a victim at school, my nickname was shit, and I was regularly molested and raped by adults one of whom was a child pornographer and film and photographs of me could very well be on the Internet now.

I was taught by religious people that I was evil and sinful who also taught me and that God hated me and that I would never go to heaven. I lived in absolute terror. There was no safe haven for me. There were no cuddles. There was no one I could go to to be held and made to feel safe.
I hated myself. I hated that I could not change. I cut myself. I would starve myself. I became obsessed with cleanliness and I washed and washed and washed and watched trying to clean the filth off me.I had prayer meetings held in order to exercise the daemons out of me. I had a group of Christians stood outside my home calling for the devil to show itself and warning people to not go near me because I was able and to keep their children especially away from me.

I then had the good fortune to have a man come into my life who was an expert at deprogramming those of us who had been so damaged by religion. He saved my life.

The above is just a snippet of the hell that I lived with for many many years.

What I am letting you know is this: what I have to live with today is a doddle, is really easy compared to what I used to have to live with and I would never ever ever go back to that hell.

Today I love myself. I finally accept that the man that I have lived with for the last 30 1/2 years not only loves me but that I deserve his love. Today I know that the misguided and evil ones are those whose spit upon me and who tell me that being myself is wicked. That I and my brothers and sisters who are like me are the rot that is invading society. They do not see that in fact it is they who are destroying society.

Psychic, spiritual, emotional pain is far far more damaging and painful than the 24 7 pain I now live with. If you got this far thank you and I hope you have understood.
Posted by Knitman

Jonah Mowry: 'Whats Goin on..'

2011-12-07T17:29:00.000Z

The sound wasn't on this when I first saw this, mute it as it spoils the effect. This boy is me at the same age. I still have the scars from cutting. I wasn't as good looking tho. I also didn't have the parents he has. I had no one. Look how far I have come! This was a very painful video to watch butI di for Jonah as he, and others, need their pain witnessed.

&amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;gt;
Posted by Knitman

LETTER HOME

2011-12-03T01:17:00.001Z
I found this email address when looking in Google for possible information re sexual abuse of children in Albury.

I used to live in Albury. (My parents owned the sandwich bar opposite the Border Morning Mail in Kiewa Street.)

I was sexually abused, which was filmed and photographed, in 1971/2. I did contact Police in Albury in 94 but it came to nothing, the police who interviewed me here were not interested because I was not a reliable witness having had a nervous breakdown as a result of my abuse.

What concerns me the most is this: this man could still be corrupting children and destroying their lives and two, those films/photographs could be now on the 'net.

Trouble is although I clearly recall him and know where I was abused, multiple times, the Hume Reservoir being one, the Murray the other(I think or the Murrambidgee?) I have no idea of his name. He took groups of children on expeditions arranged during school holidays. Were they YMCA or school arranged? I can't recall. They were low cost. We went canoeing and stuff.

Due to the nature of the abuse, the photographs and film, and his position with the schools, I thought that maybe had he been caught it would be obvious whom I was talking about.

It would greatly ease my mind if I knew this man was not hurting any others.

I will say that at the time NO ONE supported me or even believed me. I was further victimised at school and could not wait to leave after the school certificate in 1974. I have never returned to education due to my experience.

I am now almost 53, have never worked, am disabled but very happy and have come to terms with my past. I would never want to turn the clock back. I want no contact with anyone from Albury High nor with this man. BTW he had a son which has always played on my mind because the sone knew and now I can only think that he too was abused. He showed me porn in front of his son.

If you have any idea of what I am talking about and you possibly know if this man has eiither died or was stopped, I'd like to know. I want nothing else. I hold no malice or hatred. It has just bothered me for a long time that he may still be destroying lives or at least making it very difficult. I recovered and have a good life. I unfortunately I know how lucky I am. I know others who did not make it.

If I have misunderstood what I have read on this page:

http://www.alburycity.nsw.gov.au/www/html/17-news.asp?n=1268

then please let me know.

I now live in the UK. I have no plans to ever come back. I have considered it but do not think that ripping open such wounds would be helpful. There is no one there I want to see and many I would actively avoid. I might like the opportunity to confront teachers who let abuse happen, in front their faces, but to what end? I was deliberately abused in science class-hot metal from a bunson placed upon my wrist. The teacher said I was too sensitive.

I would love to know there is a real anti-bullying iniative at Albury High, especially anti homophobia education. I was lucky to leave Albury in one piece. If Neighbours is anything to by, Oz has changed somewhat since I left in 1975. One can only hope this is so.

Strangely I do miss Albury and the surrounding beautiful scenery.

<sincerely
Colin A (surname changed by deed poll and I see no reason to give the name I used to go by unless information comes back to me makes it worthwhile.)
Posted by Knitman

GOOD NEWS!!!

2011-12-02T11:36:00.001Z
Good news! Our problem with IRS has been resolved. You may not know but we almost lost our house. The IRS filed for bankruptcy against us. Not only is all that over, we were refunded ALL the money they owed US! It has been removed from the record too so hopefully our credit rating will reflect it soon.

This has been a two year nightmare which I am proud to say that I sorted out. Don't ask me how cos I didn't know I could fight like this but I did and I won. (Like I did when i took the gov on about my disability and won-life time award.)

Anyway, I got just the right female accountant to sort it, I provided all that was needed, and kept J out if it as much as possible. It was his mess but he can't deal with money. I can and so I did. I was very scared I can tell you. Right up to actually appearing in court we didn't know what they were going to do. The court dismissed the case! Now I can stop worrying. Plus this accountant has taken over J's tax so I know it gets done and neither of us have to worry. I was lucky that she agreed to work with ME not John.
Posted by Knitman

GODs WILL

2011-12-01T17:34:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

BETTER THAN NUMB

2011-11-28T16:25:00.000Z
I realised something today about myself that I do not like. It is about how I think about my brothers. I don't think about my father. I don't care what he thinks, he has no hold over me.

I found out that I do care what my brothers think and I am ashamed of that. I am shocked that I do care. I don't like either of them, certainly have no love for them. My elder brother I think little of, never have liked him. He is self-centred in the extreme, compassionless, nasty, spiteful and cold. His capacity for denial is greater than that of either parent. I do get he had the same parents and his denial and hatred of me is his way of not ever having to face the truth. The exact same applies to my younger brother except that he has on two occasions shown me compassion. The last time, in 1994, he also contacted me and he was very very distressed. He wanted my forgiveness for not having spoken up when I was put away in a nut house, for not telling the truth of what he saw happen to me and to us. Then he went and ruined it. He went and confronted my father on my behalf with an event that not even I thought had happened. Of course good old ME got the blame for that! My brother made it up, told my family, and I got the blame! But of course, as I am Devil's Spawn, they just lapped it up as more evidence I was evil and they could carry on hating me and keeping me as their scapegoat.

I got over what he did. I might not have, had he not written two letters to me. I kept those letters because I knew I would need them. I was right. I don't mean I need them to show anyone. No. Just for my own benefit so I have proof for myself the whole debacle happened and that for a brief time, he was there with me in the truth. It didn't last and he went back into denial and soon the 'you're evil' phone calls and years later, e-mails resulted with the same 'you are evil theme'.( My John has of course read the letters and he has met both brothers and is not as kind about them as I am.)

Troublingly, he now travels the world conning people out of huge sums of money for his 'therapy' and 'channelling'. I would like to think he is also conning himself rather than deliberately conning those poor people that he can help them.

When he was young he got very very involved in a Xtian cult which is where me being demon possessed came from because I was the easy target. I was out gay even then, completely unaware that BOTH my brothers were also gay. They let me take all the shit and rejection whilst they sucked up to our abusive parents and colluded with them against me. Me being gay was the perfect thing for everyone to hang all the family troubles on. I was the cause of it all. It was thus a very short step before they had Biblical backing for me being evil and of the Devil.

So I discovered today that I would hate for them to know I am basically crippled by physical pain and my life is therefore limited by it physically. It would just be proof positive to them of my inherent evil just as my mental health issues-the OCD, anorexia, PTSD etc - were.

However, I have worked very very hard and overcome all the mental health issues, the self worth issues, the fear stuff and the religious clap trap stuff. I would NOT change a thing about my life. I happy within myself generally.

I think it may be just my pride that would not like them see me as I am. My success is not obvious.

My biggest success is that I am happy, I am not like them, I am the ONLY one in my family to have a good and successful relationship. Neither of my brothers have and whilst my parents had a long marriage until my mum died, it can hardly be called successful. My dad was remarried within a year!

It may seem petty to think as I do about this. It just came to me, I am not sure what triggered it. It twisted my gut as the thought of either of them seeing me in my wheelchair or hobbling along with my sticks or in a pained state. I know they would relish it. They will blame me.

It pisses me off royally that I even think of them! But it's the truth. I don't very often and I can't recall what triggered it-something I heard this morning did.

I guess some things run deep and do find a way of rearing their ugly heads from time to time. Like I have said many times, abuse survivors never completely get rid of the shit BUT we can and do live very very well if we face it and deal with it.

I have done that and I have an excellent life, one I never thought possible. I am incredibly grateful for it, for it is one beyond my imagining. I certainly never dreamt of a life like this. I only ever wanted to be numb. To me that was most I could hope for. I am so glad I discovered I could have so much more. Feeling good is not longer feeling nothing.

It's being alive in every sense.
Appropriate
Posted by Knitman

GIBBON ARMS

2011-11-26T18:38:00.001Z
Busy day. Both had haircuts, then lunch at Panini's, then shopping at Peterborough Garden Park. I bought the dogs bedding! I have wanted to stop using newspaper for a long while because my lot eat it and scatter it all over the house. However, the vet-bed I previously used would get filthy very quickly, wouldn't wash clean and filled the washing machine with hair. Then today I saw this bedding that is waste, wet, dirt etc proof. From the blurb it was clearly put together by dog people. Just the right 19" x 24" size too. The one drawback was the £26 price tag but I could see and feel how well made they were so I bought 6 of them.

Well, I am having a really good day physically so when I got in I got rid of the newspaper and gave them their new beds. They were fascinated watching me do it and when I put the new bedding in, each got into their own bed and rubbed around on it. Bought some local farm produce too.

The one hiccup, which riled me enough to have to count to 10, was a silly woman who called her boss over to tell him to go and ask that 'weird' man to move as he was giving her the creeps!!!!! John was waiting outside the glass wall for me to pay for my shower gell. I said loudly, 'He's waiting for me!' and instead of an apology I just got laughed at by the boss and another woman. NONE of the three looked at or addressed me and the young twat just kept going on about the weirdo staring at her! Of course, he was looking at me but by that time he WAS wondering what was going on. My face is easily read.

Anyway, apart from that it has been a good day if COLD! And it's not even anywhere near as cold as it will get. Oh, I bought mountaineer gloves to keep my hands warm and still usable. I almost bought a high tech undergarment, long sleeved vest, which would go a long way to helping me stay warm without bulk. Anyway, I need a medium, to hug my body, and like many IDIOTIC designers, the medium was a good 2-3" shorter so was no good for me. Stupid stupid stupid! Smaller chest does not equal less height just as larger chests do not mean Gibbon arms!

Plus, I went into Hobby Craft and I must say that their selection of knitting and crochet books was wonderful. I spent quite a while browsing and convincing myself not buy any. I won. I love to look and read but I never knit anything from them.
Posted by Knitman

OH GOD!!!

2011-11-24T17:51:00.001Z
I had been wondering what to call this post and I found myself muttering 'oh God' and I guess that is rather appropriate considering what I want to talk about.

Most often I can let this sort of thing go but today I saw a rather twee little postcard on Facebook which was basically saying that each of us needs to be thankful to God for everything that we have. This sort of twaddle really annoys me.

What exactly is a child sex slave supposed to be grateful for? What exactly is a person who is being tortured on a daily basis supposed to be grateful for? What were the victims of the Holocaust supposed to be grateful for? What are the starving and brutalised children of Africa supposed to be grateful for?

I am well aware that gratitude for what one has is a big part of being happy. In my recovery it plays a big part. However that is far from saying that as a child I ought to have been grateful! There was no God who intervened and saved me! Would you tell a parent who had just watched their child die in agony from some dreadful disease that they need to be grateful?

The people who say this nonsense do so for their own benefit and they seem to have no idea, and often seem not to care at all, how offensive their words are. Of course if one expresses one's opinion to them it is just confirmation to them that one is angry with God or that there is something wrong with one! No matter what way one chooses to deal with it it just gives ammunition to the other. And guess what that feels like? Guess what abusers do? Yes you've got it.

I always have and I always will support any persons right to believe any damn thing that they want to believe. If it makes them live a better life, and by that I mean a happier life and a life in which they treat others well, then I will keep my mouth shut. However when they start spouting their beliefs as fact when those beliefs are harmful to others I will not keep my mouth shut.

One would think that it is only those who have not suffered greatly that would say such a thing. Unfortunately, this is not so. Abusers say such things for obvious reasons. However abuse survivors also say such things when they are stuck in denial.

I think this is the major problem with a belief in a supreme being that cares for us individually. In order to believe it we have to believe that somehow or other the terrible wicked and evil things that happen to people, most especially to children, are somehow just all part of some plan that we cannot possibly understand. This is denial run riot and makes one appear stupid at best and downright wicked at worst.

Let's leave alone the terrible evil that people deliver upon other people. What about those poor people that are born with terrible diseases and disfigurements. Of those who live very short pain filled lives. And don't you dare tell me that it is so they can learn!

As an individual I have learned a great deal from my early life experiences but I know many many others who did not because they did not survive or they have become bitter and twisted people who treat other people badly. I do not take credit at all for the way I have turned out. Everything I have done and everything I still do is to avoid pain and there is nothing heroic in that. It is just common sense. I therefore have never hated. Although I am not sure that that was a choice. I have never really wanted to hurt another or to have another suffer. It just never made any sense to me. It never crossed my mind that the suffering of somebody else would ease mine. Perhaps if I had seen that as possible I may well have hated. The fact that I make the best of my life today does not make me a saint nor especially brave nor especially intelligent or especially anything. It is just common sense.

The one really big reason that I am able to enjoy my life today regardless of my disease and the 24 7 pain is because my present state is so much more preferable to my previous mental emotional and spiritual agony. my physical difficulties are very much easier to deal with. I can assure you that when I was in so much agonising turmoil I was not happy nor grateful.

I consider myself very fortunate. I have absolutely no idea why I am in the position I am in today. I do not believe that I was chosen to be in the position I am today so that I could lead others toward the light!!! How crass!

I CHOOSE to share my thoughts and feelings about my life. When I first started to do so I did it purely for my own sake. I had no idea of the effect it was going to have upon other survivors. In fact I didn't even consider what might happen if my words were read. Now of course I do know and I would be a liar if I did not say that this colours in some way what I do write. I am not sure how it does although I am conscious of the fact that on days when I do feel down and fed up I tend to avoid writing about it because it makes me feel ashamed. This is partly because I was not allowed to express my emotions and also because of other people's expectations of me even today. It is also of course my own expectations of me. I feel so profoundly grateful to not be the person I used to be that even I feel it is wrong of me to have days when I feel like quitting!

I do not know how to make any clearer than with these words: if I knew that I was going to return to the Colin I used to be, I would shoot myself or find some other way of ending my life. I would never ever ever want to be that person again. And I most certainly would not want to be a child ever again. Absolutely no way would I ever be that vulnerable again.

I do of course choose to concentrate on my good fortune. My incredibly loving and patient husband, my dogs, my friends and my talents. This does not mean I do not have bad days. Only a fool would expect to not have bad days. There are days when I feel the terror of being a child come washing over me. There are mornings I awake and the first thing I feel is fear and I have to tell myself that I am not at the family home any more and that there is no school today! There is nothing I can do about this. PTSD is like that. One can be perfectly fine one-minute and the next not be.

I often think that those who are not close to survivors and are not survivors themselves have absolutely no idea at all how it affects us. My ability to form relationships was severely retarded so I grew up basically without friends. I found myself in situations which only heaped more pain upon myself and unfortunately I also caused pain to others because I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. When one is totally shut off from one's feelings one has no idea of boundaries. I understand why people reacted to me the way that they did and why new friendships turned into new rejections. I have been lucky and that I do have 2 very long term friends, John and my dear friend Judy whom I have known since 1979 and now also a few others who came into my life during my healing process. Just because I can see how all those others went by the wayside does not mean it did not hurt and does still hurt at times. I also very much regret that I cannot explain to these people why I was the way that I was and also make amends to those that I hurt because of it.

Anyway, I am fairly certain that many survivors reading this will not need me to explain why I find it offensive when told that even someone living in absolute terror and suffering have reason to be grateful to the Big Sky Daddy!

Posted by Knitman

TUCKING IN

2011-11-22T22:47:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

Puppies 21 11 2011

2011-11-21T21:48:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

MG'S PUPPIES 2.mov

2011-11-18T22:39:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

MG's Puppies

2011-11-18T12:20:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

MARY-GRACE IS NO LONGER A MAIDEN

2011-11-17T17:03:00.001Z

Mary-Grace gave birth to her 1st letter yesterday. As I had predicted all the way through her pregnancy. Are due date was Saturday the 19th.

She has given birth to 5 boys and one girl. one boy and one girl were 7 ounces and the rest were 8 ounces each. This is a VERY good litter weight of puppies wise.

The 1st part of labour was not very long in that it became obvious early Tuesday evening that she was going to go into labour. I was up all night with her Tuesday night and she grew increasingly restless and she finally had her 1st puppy at 10:40 AM Wednesday.

Poor Mary-Grace. The 1st 3 puppies were all proper breach and I had to manoeuvre each one of them out of her and she screamed her head off. However, the following 3 just plopped out.

She has settled down very well with them. They have already grown and are doing really well. I initially thought that they were all brindle and white with one almost solid brindle. However I now know that one of the boys is a gold and white and to all the other boys are indeterminate colour wise right now. I do not care but it will be interesting to see what they turn out to be.

I have never bred a litter in this manner before. I was showing Mary-Grace and I had absolutely no intention of having a litter of puppies this year. The last time that I showed her I was in the class and I heard this voice as loud as anything with inside my head which said you should read this girl now. I ignored it until I got into the car on the way home and the feeling was really insistent that I ought to breed her. The next question in my mind: well who on earth would I breathe her to? Immediately a dog's name came into my head. He is an obscure dog because he is not shown but I have seen him and been over him and know that he is a top-notch Lhasa Apso. I remembered the telephone of the woman as I was driving home and so I called her. We arranged a mating the following day and that was the only mating that she had.
I have said all along that I need a top notch male out of this later. Now I have five to choose from!

I am of course completely exhausted as I have more or less lost 2 nights sleep. I have had 2 naps so far today and I am sure that I will be sleeping well tonight.
Posted by Knitman

I WRITE BECAUSE I CAN

2011-11-14T19:07:00.003Z
Last night John and I went to see Janis Ian in concert in Birmingham. I have had tickets to her concert before but I was unable to attend the previous time so I was very pleased to get them this time. I was also very pleased that because of my being a wheelchair user I got both tickets at half price, a pre-booked parking space right outside Birmingham Town Hall which is where the concert was held, and a wheelchair space in the concert hall itself.

The concert itself was excellent. Janis Ian is very lucky that at just over 60, she still has her voice. I was very surprised at how she hit the high notes. The whole concert was just her and a guitar. No backing tape, no backing singers, no backing musicians. Astonishing.

Of course if you know Janis Ian's lyrics you will know that her songs can hit you right in the gut. Last night was no exception. However, the bit that really got to me was her talking about her mother. She clearly had a good relationship with her mother. She spoke about her mother being her place of safety when she was a child. About being held in her mother's arms and feeling safe.

I have never had this in my life. It is not true that one does not miss what one has never had. This feeling of safety is something I have hankered after all of my life. To feel as though I am home and safe.

To me my home is John. I also know that in reality there is no such place as security and safety. None of us are safe nor are we secure. We can have some measure of both. As an adult I am fully aware of this. So I wonder if this feeling that I have which I find very difficult to put a finger on is to do with the fact that I never had that place of safety when I was a child. There was nowhere for me to turn where I would feel protected and safe because those who were supposed to make me feel like that were the ones who instead frightened me and left me feeling completely insecure. I wonder if that is what makes me feel so keenly now?

I vividly remember the scene from the science fiction film 2001: A Space Odyssey in which one of the astronauts has his cord cut and he goes floating off into space. I was a young teen when I saw this film and that scene chilled me to the bone. I knew exactly how he felt. I have felt like that all of my life.

In 1979 I was in love with a man who did not love me. He was with me because I was young and available and accessible because of how screwed up I was. Even today, although I know precisely how one-sided that relationship was, it is one I have never forgotten. It was the 2nd time I had been in love. The trouble is, I had all the baggage of having been unloved as a child and being frightened and convinced that I was evil and not worth anything. He did not know this and all he could see was that his bit on the side was much more involved than he wanted to be. Anyway, the reason this relationship comes to mind is that a scene from our relationship seems very raw and apropos to this feeling of safety. The scene happened after our relationship was over. I had met him somewhere or other, by accident or design I cannot remember, but he clearly had nothing better to do that night and I went home with him. Afterwards, I lay with my head on his chest and I could not stop the flood of tears that came. I made no sound. At the time, I felt so totally alone and scared. Like the astronaut. I also knew I would not find any comfort where I was. It was truly one of the most devastating episodes of my life. In hindsight, I can see why, but of course then I did not know myself at all back then. Even as I write this, from my position of financial security, a 30 year relationship, and a profound understanding of myself and my history, I still feel the pain of the lost boy that I was.

As I write this, I don't really know where it is leading. I only know that I need to write and I am doing so because I can. The title of this post is a twist on the title of something else and I will not let on what that is just to see who might understand the reference.

I have been feeling something that I am finding very difficult to put into words. I felt it keenly last night at the Janis Ian concert. It has to do with time passing. With how much time has passed. And the full and certain knowledge that for me and for John time will stop (just as it will for you who are reading this ).

I think part of it is that I am aware of myself today and how I feel. I am fully aware of that which I lost, all of that which I never had and the effect that it has had on me. I am aware that so, so many years of my life were spent in darkness. I confess that now that my life is lived in the light, that I know how lucky I am in comparison to others, when I see the suffering around me, I find I am almost ashamed to admit that I do look back with a huge, huge sorrow.

I am enjoying experiences that I really ought to have had when I was young. I am now catching up on music which was produced during my time in the dark. It is not just new voices I am listening to but the voices of those current at various parts of my life which I was unable to appreciate because I was so dis-associated from myself and my feelings. I don't know if this even make sense. It is just my clumsy attempt at putting into words what I am feeling.

I realised last night just how frightened I am with regard to John's health and the fear that I have that it will claim him. Besides the fact that I could not bear to see him suffer in any way, he is also all that I have. I cannot imagine my world without him. That is a lie. I can imagine only too well. Hence my fear. I have made an appointment for him to have a review with is Dr. I will be speaking to her beforehand because John will minimise and with COPD, that is not wise.

I am not as honest in my sharing as people appear to think that I am because I very often refrain from writing the way I am right now. This is me though. Yes I am generally a happy and positive person but I'm not an idiot with my head in the clouds! I am not whistling in the dark to keep my spirits up. I am fully aware how temporary all this is

And when I feel this deep sadness, this terror, I can almost understand why people cling to very black-and-white views of the world and of life and death. I can understand why they choose such rigid Gods to obey and why they pour hatred and scorn upon those who deny their idea because it makes them feel less certain. It is why they cling together and have as little as possible to do with those who do not think as they do. In order to keep their idea intact they must have as little as possible to do with others who hold to different ideas. It is why relationships between the faiths are frowned upon. And while those of no faith at all so despised.

So recently I have not been watching as much DVDs. I have spent much of my time just knitting and listening to music.

It always amazes me how easily I can be made to feel deep shame when I am caught off guard or am distracted and tired. Last night on the way back from the concert we stopped for coffee at one of the motorway service stations. There was a man and woman seated at a table near me and the woman had the most beautiful wine coloured lacey long dress on complemented by wine coloured high heels and black lace stockings. As I left I told her that I thought her dress was beautiful and she reacted with the equivalent of a slap in my face! Both she and her husband turned away from me and she muttered something and it felt very much like she thought for some madman was pestering her. Or that I had just said: love your tits or something equally vile. I really was shocked and it made me feel sick to my stomach as I walked away. How very odd. I have strangers make comments about my attire, especially my boots, all of the time and it never occurs to me to react with anything but a polite thank you and I always feel and in a surprise that people would have the nerve to be kind like that to someone they don't even know. So I was very taken aback with last night's response from that woman.

Sometime this week Mary-Grace will have her puppies. I am really looking forward to this. As if I really need to write that! Despite having had many litters since I was 12 years old I still get excited every time.

I don't know about anybody else, I cannot be the only one, but when I feel just how much I love John, it frightens me.
Posted by Knitman

WILLY THE SHAKE

2011-11-11T18:39:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

AND SO TO BED

2011-11-11T11:10:00.003Z
I may do a video today as well.

I am still in the process of getting my music and hi-fi equipment sorted out. If you have been reading here you will know that I bought some top of the range hi-fi equipment by a British company called ARCAM.

This has necessitated me recall being all of my CDs onto an external SATA drive via my Mac Book Pro. The reason for this is that getting up and down in order to change the CD gets tired very quickly and this is the main reason why I have not listened to music to the extent that I used to.

I use a clear wave dongle attached to the MacBook Pro which streams the music perfectly to the ARCAM rDAC which is classed into the ARCAM AV amplifier.

If you are like John you are already bored! All you really need to know is that the sound quality is excellent and that I am once again really enjoy my music.

I am constantly amazed at the changes within me since the seismic shift that took place at the end of 2007. I almost feel that that is when I became alive for real. Sometimes it can make me feel bitter that so much of my life was wasted. I try not to let that overwhelm me. Today I am so happy and content with myself and I therefore cannot really regret the past but I do sometimes feel that to not wake up until one is 48 years old to then find oneself with a fairly decrepit body and realising that one now could enjoy everything that I did not when I was young, if only I were young! I'm not sure if I've written that correctly but I think you probably get the gist of what I'm saying.

Most surprisingly for me I have got into male singers recently. I have never enjoyed male singers. The 1st but I got into a couple of years back is James Blunt but have since added Mumford & Sons, Noah And The Whale, and now Leonard Cohen!

I really thought that men in general did not do emotion and certainly did not sing about it. I could not have been more wrong. I know that part of this is the fact that all of my friends are female and most of my interactions have been with females. Certainly the women that I have known have a rather poor opinion of men and their ability to feel or express themselves. With my experience with John I know that this is not true. I do know however that there is a marked difference between the way that men and women deal with their stuff. Once I understood that John was just different from me in the way that he handled things, I stopped trying to fix him or thinking that there was something wrong with him, or that he was all repressed! It behoves us all to not stereotype and to not think that there is something wrong with another just because they deal with life in a different way.

Mary-Grace is due to have her puppies on the 19th although I will not be at all surprised if they come on the Wednesday before. I have yet to have a litter of Lhasa Apso go full-term. She was only mated the once.

On Sunday evening John and I are going to Birmingham town Hall to see Janis Ian in concert. I am really looking forward to this. I have previously seen Dar Williams, Nanci Griffith, Tangerine Dream, Donna Summer, the LSO. I think that it is about it.

Pain wise it has been difficult recently. Yesterday and so far today, not bad at all but so so tired! In fact, I am going to nap shortly and I have not done that for quite some time.

Swimming is going well again. Although I took some steps to improve matters, I think that nothing I did changed it. I think whatever disc in my neck impinges on the nerves, just stopped. The last time it was bad, really bad, was in '03. It has been on and off ever since but this last period was the worst it has been for a while. Now I am back to just the normal pain!

I may write some more later, or video, but for now I need to go to bed.
Posted by Knitman

TOPSY TURVY

2011-11-07T07:13:00.005Z

I knitted these simultaneously, using Chiao Goo 2mm/60cm circulars. I used my own Andersson Sock Construction Method and utilised my own Andersson heel Mark II.

I dyed the yarn by machine knitting up 2 x 50 gram balls of 75% sw merino 25% nylon, knitted in one piece. I then dyed. The result wasn't as I intended but I love the colourway. I shall be having another op at this form of dyeing.

Posted by Knitman

Texas Judge Beats Disabled Daughter (Wife and Daughter Speak out)

2011-11-04T16:31:00.000Z

This is unfortunately very common. The denial shown by ALL of them involved is extremely distressing.
Posted by Knitman

NEW AGE TWADDLE.mov

2011-11-02T14:06:00.000Z

Posted by Knitman

DAMN, BOTHER AND BLAST! (Good news too!)

2011-10-27T20:52:00.003+01:00

My happy confidence in the new drug regime to control pain has gone to pot! Yesterday the pain was so bad I nearly threw up. It has been suggested to me that I start off my swim slowly in order to warm up. I have to say that I had never thought about this. I know that one must warm up one's muscles before weightlifting or running but it did not occur to me that one also needed to do it before summing.

I will not get to the pool now until Monday because my central heating has broken down. The plumber is coming at 7:45 AM and it is unlikely that I will get to the swimming pool by 8:30! I have had to go out and buy myself and electric blanket because it is cold here and I cannot do with getting cold as this will cause me many more problems. I have enough difficulty keeping warm as it is.

I am very pleased to say that Pussy won Best Puppy at today's championship show. Her sister, Plenty O Toole, won Best Puppy In Show on the Sunday just past.

I spent 2 or 3 days uploading my CD collection onto my Mac Book Pro only to discover that I had already done it all and had backed it up onto an external drive!

I am extremely pleased with the new music system and DVD Blu-ray system. I am now listening to music much more like I used to before it became to much of a chore to constantly change CDs. I also had not realised that part of the reason I had stopped is that much of being enjoyment had gone because I wrongly believed that my ears had degraded when in fact it was the fact that I was listening to MP3s via the iPod all the computer that had degraded the music! Now I am back to listening to my music in the way that it ought to be heard and in fact in the best way that I have ever heard. It put a lump in my throat when John told me that listening to his vinyl records, classical and opera, was the best sound he had ever heard. I was so pleased to hear him say this because he is a man of few words and rarely enthuses about anything. When he told me that we should buy any high-cost items now before he retires in April I had to really think about what would be good for us both and not just me which I know is what he meant for me to do. Coming up with audiophile audio equipment was the right choice. It was for both of us, not just me. John is generous to a fault with me and I was determined to get something he would really enjoy. I succeeded. The TV is for us both too.

When I got my electric recliner and one for him too, I really thought that was a good choice. It was but John refuses to use his. The dogs use it! I know he thinks of it as an old man's chair. He'll get over that at some point. Whereas I love mine and don't think of it as an old man's chair at all. More my throne.
Posted by Knitman

TRAMLINES

2011-10-24T09:57:00.002+01:00

I knitted these using a pure Merino yarn that consists of 2 ends of Merino and 1 end of SW Merino. This is what gives it the tweed effect when dyeing as the superwash takes up more dye very quickly. It has 400m/100g. I dyed the yarn myself.

I used my own Andersson Toe Up Construction Method, with the Andersson Heel Mach II (revised).

The tools I used were two Chiao Goo 2.5mm/60cm circulars. I knitted them both simultaneously so that both were finished at more or less the same time.I alternate the socks every 10 rounds.

Posted by Knitman

BEING NOT DOING

2011-10-21T19:21:00.002+01:00
I am feeling good. I have been swimming three times this week and the last two did not hurt! I have figured out that I need to take my drugs two hours before I swim. Once I figured that out, it was matter of knowing how much morphine to add to the other three painkillers and nerve blocks I use as my 'baseline'-1000mg Paracetamol, 100mg Tramadol, 400mg Gabapentin. 20mg of Morphine lessens the pain enough for me to swim thru it and it does stop. 40mg keeps it away completely but I am happier on just the 20mg as this does make it so I can swim without too much pain and I'd rathe leave the larger doses for down the road as my condition progresses.

I was thrilled to be up at 6.30am as I always used to be. I am really hoping this is the beginning of me getting back to my routine and proper pain control. I am sleeping well though it has not been easy to get up. This morning it wasn't.

I have again been feel in g useless recently. Thinking about my life and what I have done with it. It has all been spent sporting myself out from my poor start. I have been successful at that. Even now, I feel good about being able meet to my challenges. I feel good about myself when I find my way through the challenges. Like the daily battle I have with my body. No that doesn't sound right. It isn't a battle, more a challenge. I feel really good about sorting the right drug cocktail to enable to continue swimming. I went form swimming one mile a day to barely being able to swim 20 laps twice a week. This week I did 2 half miles and one full mile. Swimming is the only exercise I can do. Initially it was the only exercise I could do which didn't hurt. Those days have gone. Nothing I do is pain fee. I am not pain free. So there we are.

The thrill I get though from overcoming is good. Learning how to live with this is a constant challenge and quite an exciting one. I know what I want to do -knit, show the dogs, dye yarn. For as long as possible.

The point to all this is that it is all self-centred. The challenges are all personal. I don't' know if I am making sense here. At 52 I look back over my life and it is has just been about surviving. De-programming so I had a chance at a good life. I wonder what on earth my life means when it has all been about me. Don't misunderstand. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am happy. I feel very fortunate to be here and to have the life I have. I am so very very lucky. Yet, I think there ought to be more. I don't mean more material things. I don't really know what I mean. I have been given so much by others in my life. By John, my ex-therapist now friend, my best friend Dawn, and various people, some strangers, throughout my life. I have been given love and guidance and new ideas. Given the strength to carry on, to face my demons, to overcome them. To love myself and accept myself.

So you see I have been given so much and it seems my life has been about that and I wonder I have given back. Maybe all of these thoughts are just my ego. Maybe I think I ought to do something concrete, be somebody. This is true. Yet as I write I think that I just need to accept that I may never know what I do. What mark I have left on the world and will leave behind me when I die. I hunk maybe I have been thinking I need to do something obvious-like John is very successful in his field, world renowned for his writing and lectures and knowledge. He will not be forgotten. He is in the history books and will always be.

The more I write, the more I realise that I have fallen for this ego driven idea that I must DO something. Yet I know deep down that all I need to do is to BE. Just be. I don't know what effect that has and maybe that is the lesson I need to learn. Just get on with being me and stop worrying about it.
Posted by Knitman

FEED US NOW.mov

2011-10-16T16:11:00.000+01:00

Posted by Knitman

SOCKS IN PROGRESS

2011-10-16T15:19:00.004+01:00
These are a pair. The darker sock should end the same colour as the orange and the orange should end as the dark one has begun. I dyed this myself using blanks but dyed in a different way to my last attempt. Not sure exactly how these will turn out. I am not anal about my socks and do not care if they match. The yarn is 75% sw merino 25% nylon. 420m/100g

The pair below, Tramlines, are again dyed by me. The yarn is 64% merino and 34% sw merino, 400m/100g. The % is what causes the tweed affect as sw takes up dye quickly and deeply. Knitted with 2.5mm Chiao Goo, 60cm length.

Posted by Knitman

EPIPHANY

2011-10-16T08:56:00.004+01:00
Since my epiphany almost 4 years ago, I have changed. Really changed. Although maybe I haven't and the real me just came to the surface? Whatever, it is remarkable. This change is still happening.

First of all, because the epiphany was the realisation that I had been abused because of who the abusers were and not because of who I was able to release the final, and worst, pain and grief. I thought at the time it would kill me. Fortunately, my Doctor understood what was happening and understood why my gut was so affected. Grief really does hurt physically and takes it's toll on the body.

As a result people who were in my life are no longer. People who made me feel bad. People I had in my life because of guilt feelings I had. People who knew all about my past and used it manipulate me. When I think of that, it appalls me. That is truly wicked.

The reason for writing this today is because of another side effect of my release which I could not have anticipated. My taste in music has grown wider. The most surprising to me is that I am now including male singers. Apart from 3 albums by David Bowie back in the early 70's, I have never bought music by male singers. I have recently bought Nivarna Unplugged. Yes, I know!!!! If you had told me I would like this I'd have asked you what drug you were on! Now, I have just ordered 3 cds by Noah and The Whale. Their name is synchronistic too as I have been thinking a lot about the biblical story of Noah and The Whale and my astonishment that there are people who believe it is true!

I have added the following artists to my new likes: Amy MacDonald, Adele, Amy Winehouse, Laura Marling, Katie Melua, Beth Rowley, Mary Gauthier, Madeleine Peyroux, Lily Allen, Eliza Dolittle, Imelda May, Blue Harlem, Devil Doll. Mostly different genres.

Prior to this, my likes were Carly Simon, Amanda Lear, Joni MItchell, Carole King and Donna Summer. That was it.

This is exciting to me. I love music and now being able to hear new artists and appreciate them is wonderful for me.

The most obvious change is the way I dress. I see photographs of myself dressed for dog shows and I still get a shock! Yes. A shock. It is so not the me I used to be! I love the new me though.

I am also now more able to tolerate emotional situations I was not able to previously. I am able to make a stand against wickedness and not feel battered and bruised by it nor be sent back to flashbacks and panic. I mean by this that I am able to write, as I did last night, in counter attack on those people who would defend the Roman Catholic Church and it's stance on protecting abusive clergy. Yes, there are many who do indeed defend that. So I write on opposition to it. Not because I have any hope of changing the mind of those writing such wickedness because I know full well their mind set and I am not going to able to change them with a few words. However, by writing as I do, other survivors take something from it that helps them. How can I make such an arrogant claim? Simply because I get hundreds of e-mails from people the world over telling me how my words have helped them along their path toward light. I am more than humbled by this. Anyway, I have awoken feeling good today which is not my experience of past involvement in such exchanges.
Posted by Knitman

ARE YOU SAVED?

2011-10-14T14:53:00.001+01:00

Posted by Knitman

GIT IN THE ARMCHAIR

2011-10-13T20:37:00.000+01:00

Posted by Knitman

BEING SOPPY

2011-10-12T22:29:00.001+01:00

Posted by Knitman

OH B*LLOCKS!

2011-10-11T13:52:00.004+01:00
Yesterday, I was able to swim and to walk the dogs. I took a good dose of my drugs for each activity. This was what I needed to discuss with my doctor because I have got fed up with having to juggle my activities and my drugs.

However, things have not gone quite as I expected or planned. I took a 2nd dose and waited an hour and then I went for a walk with the dogs. Not only was it painful it has completely exhausted me. I am so stiff and sore that I cannot even take my boots off.

This is what I do not understand. Despite the pain being dealt with, (even today although my walk was not pain-free it certainly was manageable and without drugs it would have been impossible), I get so fatigued and achy. It seems to me that a crumbling spine and arthritic joints are not the only issue.

I am disappointed to say the least to discover that even with effective pain control I am still not going to be able to live as if I was fit. To be honest this is what I was expecting from more pain control as it seems to me that it is the pain that stops me doing as I wish. Clearly, fatigue is the main issue and there appears to be no drug for that. Bollocks!
Posted by Knitman

E-MAIL NASTIES

2011-10-11T09:28:00.006+01:00
On one of my e-mail lists there is a person who uses a pseudonym that I have found objectionable for quite some time and I blocked their e-mail so that I did not see any messages from them.

Yesterday, this person accused another list member of hating Jews just because they are German! I was absolutely appalled at such a disgusting e-mail. Yet it seems that nobody else was apart from the person it was aimed at. Although the moderator put the sender of that vile e-mail on moderated status, the receiver of it and myself for commenting were also put on moderation. I find this is fairly typical of many e-mail lists where no one seems to have the guts to put a stop entirely to the unacceptable. The writer of that e-mail would have been barred completely if it had happened on my list.

It is not possible to tell where the writer of the e-mail comes from, what nationality religion or colour they are, and we only have their word for it that they are a she. The e-mail sent attacking the German man was violent and extremely nasty and I am impressed that the German man himself did not respond in kind.

There are always people like this on lists and they are able to manipulate others and make it appear as if they are the innocent party. However it seems that their sole purpose is to stir up as much discord as they can. What really angers me is that such obvious behaviour is ignored by those who are supposed to be taking care of the list. They allow the manipulative behaviour to occur and end up punishing those that are its targets. A very sorrow episode indeed. One that is likely to repeat itself as effectually it is allowed to.

This person is known for causing such unpleasant disturbance on multiple lists.

Even as I write I cannot believe that such a evil accusation was made on a public list which is supposed to be about an art / craft. It was completely uncalled for. Anyone who bothered to think would know that the accusation was baseless because we do not know anything about the person who writes under a pseudonym. A most ridiculous pseudonym at that!

I am waiting for an appointment with my Doctor in order that we might discuss my drugs regime. I am sick and tired of juggling and worrying and not doing things because of not having, as I see it, the freedom to drug up enough to be able to do what I want to do. I keep having to decide between going for a swim or walking the dogs. Dyeing or swimming or walking. This is because in order to be able to do what I please I would have to go over the prescribed amount of drugs. I either need something more powerful or the freedom to dose as required. I know how to handle the drugs and I know what drugs I can take more of what drugs I cannot take more of and I also know when I don't need them. I am not sure where this discussion will lead but I feel I really need to do something that will improve the quality of my life and not frustrate me so
much.

The wind has been blowing strongly here for a few days and it is still blowing this morning. Yesterday the wind was very strong and yet the temperature was in the low 70s! I wonder if we are headed for a harsh winter the same as last year.
Posted by Knitman

IMPRESSED AT LAST!

2011-10-10T10:52:00.003+01:00

I had a phone call to tell me that I was now registered with the Doctor I wanted - John's. I felt quite confident she would take me on despite having a closed list. In my letter I decided not say anything about the Doctor I didn't want to stay with but rather made it seem the problem was entirely mine. I feel a tinge of guilt as I always do when I find I have to cut a person out of my life. However, as I am a frequent flyer with the Doctor and have serious issues, I need to feel safe and comfortable with the Doctor I have. Sorted.

Today's swim was dreadful. I got there late to start with because of a traffic jam. Then I found my swim very painful and I eventually had to stop and try and get my neck moving. It worked and seemed to release the nerves that were sending burning sensations down both arms and across my chest. Briefly I felt panic wondering if this was my heart but soon realised that if was and I carried on swimming, I'd get worse not better!

I was delighted to watch John's face as he listened to his classical on vinyl over the weekend. He is very impressed with the record player I bought him. He has much that has never been put on cd so he is happy now he can play it and he said the sound is best he has ever heard. Now, if you knew John you would know that he rarely says anything other than 'it's alright',(makes me want to hit him at times!), so when he does say something other one knows he is really impressed.

I have the urge for machine knitting this week. I might knit a sweater and I might also knit up some un-dyed sock yarn and dye some 'sock blanks'.

I hate eating first thing. I do eat breakfast when on holiday, a large one. I then don't eat again until late afternoon, sometimes evening. No idea why it doesn't turn me off when I am away. I am going to try to eat breakfast here. I certainly won't be doing so before I go swimming nor when I first get up but I might eat around 10am instead of waiting until 12 or so.

Posted by Knitman

EVOLVED FOR LOVE?

2011-10-09T17:04:00.004+01:00

We went out to Queensgate Mall in Peterborough. I could not resist photographing this hostess trolley type thing. It is foul, tacky, tasteless. Painted silver AND they wanted £595 for it.

Then I saw this Top Man and had it not been for my meds, my blood would have boiled! Really, this seam is a disgrace. I am sure it will sell and the buyer will not care or notice. I am sure though that if they see GOOD seaming, they will realise how they are being ripped off. Don't think that big money will mean good finishing. I went into a very famous designer's boutique and personally handled and examined a sweater selling at €1200. It had loose threads hanging, wonky seams. Appalling. I would have binned it had I made such a bad job of finishing.

To be fair, I see bad finishing in knitting magazines too, often on the front page.

Finishing is of the utmost importance. If you have spent many hours knitting a garment you don't want to ruin it by shoddy finishing. I read many people writing how they hate to finish and I wonder why they knit in the first place. Sewing is part of good knitting. Don't want to do it? Don't knit. Find a different hobby. Sometimes it is just fear that makes some avoid finishing. It really is a simple process. It takes time but time very well spent. No need to fear it. Doing a good job does not require you to be supper talented. It just requires that you commit, be patient and take pride in your work.

I really like the two shirts below. The one on the right is the most expensive I have ever bought but it is simply beautiful, not just in look but handle too. The green jacket was expensive but I got it on sale. I would not have paid the original asking price which was 5 times the sale price! It was bought in Engelhorn, a store in Mannheim, Germany.

The brown jungle like shirt was reasonably priced and is very much my type of design. Has an African look to me. Interestingly the front left and front right are pleated which adds to the appeal of this shirt.

I may have some exciting doggy news very shortly.

Life is still a challenge. I guess it is for us all regardless. I mean that my disease is more of a challenge to deal with recently. A symptom I had a few years ago is back. Moderate to severe pain down both arms and across my chest. This symptom originally caused concern for my heart and I was treated as if I was having a heart attack 3 times until the last heart surgeon took some notice of me and realised that my pain was not my heart but something else - my spine. He noticed how I moved and how did not turn my head but my whole body when I needed to see to my sides. Anyway, not even I knew I didn't move properly. I had had the problems for years and I had adapted without realising I had a problem. i was aware of odd things-numb hands, poor balance, sudden pain, cramps, eye sight disturbance but it was all erratic and mild and I did not think I could go to a Dr with what sounded like a hypochondriac's complaints. I did not have good Dr's then. When I changed 12 years ago, my new Dr saw straight away that I had physical problems.

I have typed this by hand, slowly and with one finger. Other times, I just could not. There was a time I type 80wpm but no longer. I mainly use voice recognition software to type for me. Today I wanted to type myself.

We were only out for 90mins today yet the dogs greeted our return as if we had left them days ago. Then I put them all in the garden and was moved to joy as I watched the gambol about, tails wagging, creating each other. After a while I called out 'do you lot want dinner?' and they came flying past me into the kitchen, got into their cages and waited, with Luque and Whitney and Pussy howling until they got theirs. Such a pleasure I tell you. My dogs give me so much. I am certain that without them I'd be far more disabled, further along in the disease's progression. I'd have no reason to get up in the morning. No matter how bad I feel, I do it. The occasions when getting upright was a challenge too far, fortune has meant John was home to ;let the dogs out, give me my drugs so that I could get up once they took effect.

Dogs fascinate me. They are a completely different species from us. Some say they are parasitic and evolved their curtness so as to appeal to us, stroke our egos, just so we feed them and thus their species survives. Really? It certainly does not seem like that to me. I don't have a different idea about why but that reasoning just doesn't gel with me. I have lived with dogs for 40 or more years and know that they feel, not just physically, but emotionally, and that they think. One of my dogs, Whitney, waits by the door when I am out but John is in. She also will not eat when away from me. I don't really see how pining is just an evolutionary thing. To what end?

Posted by Knitman

JOHN'S WINDING ROAD SOCKS

2011-10-07T22:27:00.002+01:00
John chose this yarn from my friend Lia's local yarn shop. She lives in Sandhausen, Baden-Wurtemberg, Germany. The yarn brand is Super Soxx. For my conservative husband this is a daring colour! In fact, as he gets closer to April's retirement he is getting more colourful.

I used my own Andersson Sock Construction Method using the Andersson Heel Mach II. I knitted them using 2.25mm circular needles in 60 cm length by Chiao Goo. I find these needles to be the best I have ever used by far. Nothing that I know of compares. I knitted them each on their own needle, knitting 10 rounds on each alternately so that I finished both almost at the same time time and no SSS!

Posted by Knitman

CLOUDY DAYS

2011-10-07T10:13:00.003+01:00
I have to say that I do not feel in the best of moods recently. I do not know why. I am sleeping well. I am not having bad dreams. I am having difficulty getting up in the morning. And it is this latter that 1st indicated to me that some isn't right because I always want to get up because I always have so many exciting things to do.

One thing I have realised recently is how my disability leaves me feeling vulnerable. I have never been physically confident. Now I feel even less so. Although I have fairly negative feelings toward visiting America-mainly because of the strong homophobic religious atmosphere-I realised yesterday that being unable to walk properly and needing to use the wheelchair is what tips me over the edge to not wanting to go at all. I am not one to harbour ridiculous fears and prejudices and I have tried not to feel the way I feel about the USA but every time I convinced myself that we are just talking about a small number of religious loonies the news and the Internet tell me this is not so. Some very extreme people with vile ideologies have already been elected into power, 2 of them as governors of states!

Anyway, I have got off the point. I'm trying to figure out why I feel low. I have had a lot of pain since our holiday so for about the last 6 weeks or so. I also look back over the last year and it is obvious that like the previous years I have physically become worse. Swimming is no longer easily. Whereas I always found the first few minutes hard to do, and now I generally find the whole swim painful. Most especially my neck both arms and chest.

I don't like writing about this. It does not suit the image I like that of the happy-go-lucky man who ignores the challenges! How silly is that? This stems from the fact that men are supposed to be stoic and not complain and also from the fact that I get really annoyed with people who do nothing but complain! My closest friend and I have very similar diseases and we do share with each other about it but both of us have full lives and get on with it despite it all.

May be it is normal for me to not be able to feel positive and strong all the time with regard to my disease. I met somebody recently who has the same disease and I was horrified to see what it had done to them in such a short time. I felt really bad because all I wanted to do was get away. I did not and I spoke and gave them a loving touch as we parted. I had to fight myself though to not recoil. I am not daft I know exactly why I reacted like that. The truth is I may never get like that. That is not always an easy fear to conquer though.

It is hard to know why I feel so sluggish. I feel bloated and heavy. I seem to lack energy.

Something has just popped into my mind. As I may have mentioned previously, we have upgraded our audio system and television with audiophile quality equipment. The look on John's face when he 1st heard his opera music through the new system was what I hoped to see. I too am astounded at the sound quality of both CDs and vinyl and also the quality of the television picture, especially when watching DVD and Blu-ray. We also exchange the speakers to high quality as well.

We have done this because John is soon to retire and we would not be able to do this once he has. he told me to think about what we want or need and to buy now. So the wheelchair was upgraded to the best. I bought two electric armchairs. Then after thinking about what we would both like I went ahead and bought the hi-fi equipment.

I realise that I feel guilty. This was just a niggly little feeling when I spent £100 on a shirt but it has now grown to a fully fledged guilt. I know that John has similar problems about spending money. I do not think we feel exactly the same way about it and certainly not for the same reasons.

When I was growing up, I was taught to be grateful to anything that I was given because I didn't really deserve it and they were only giving it to me because they were good. This feeling has stayed with me.

Every morning recently I have sat in my armchair and I've looked at my Macbook Pro which is the 1st thing I switch on when I wake up and then in front of me the Arcam hi-fi sits there taunting me and basically saying “what were you thinking?" You could have spent that money on the starving in Africa all you should have saved it for a rainy day.

During the learning process and buying process I of course was enjoying myself. I happily spent several days, not all at once, studying and auditioning various bits of equipment. Then after I have made my decision and it was all set up in the house I set about enjoying it. Then this feeling of guilt started to come over me and I now realise that I do have difficulty in enjoying what I have. Whereas I know that I am very fortunate in that we could afford this I now just feel bad and almost ashamed to even talk about it!

I think our world makes it difficult to have when others have not.

Posted by Knitman

LIFE

2011-10-06T01:32:00.000+01:00
One thing that has been on my mind since I heard someone saying how the fans were robbed of his future songs, speaking of Kurt Cobain. Not so. They don't exist and never will. I also don't believe the world has lost anything in the death of this man (mr Jobs)but gained enormously in ways we are mainly ignorant of, by his life. I am almost tempted to say that we die just when we are supposed but that isn't what I mean. I just don't know how to word what i mean. I just think we gained so much from their lives and were not robbed by their death as we have no way of knowing WHAT more was to come or even IF anything more was to come. This doesn't just apply to the famous or obviously creative but to all of us-from the pissed old tramp in the gutter to the Queen, to the street hooker, to the bank clerk, the baker etc. It seems we all fit and have a place and through our being we touch everyone - known or not. We breathe in what others breathed out yesterday. What we say and do and believe has direct effects on the world we live in. None of us is an island. YOU really do matter. YOU really do have an effect. A simple smile for a stranger might be all that was needed to help them live another day. Your moment of judgement and harshness toward a stranger might be all it took to send them over the edge. During the times I have felt useless and just dependent, it has come home to me forcefully just how that is not the case, and how I affect others in ways I am ignorant of. One person wrote to tell me they had decided not to end their life because if I could survive abuse then so could they. All I did was tell the truth of my life for myself. I didn't know it would be for others too. But if I don't wake up tomorrow, it would be foolish to think I had more to do! The wind is howling, my upper spine is howling. I want to go to bed and stop this writing! Just know that nothing is wasted. Oh and there is little point in fretting over not being perfect. We will all give out negative in our lives but if we work in giving out mainly positive, it's at least the right direction. We do so not for what it brings us but because it is the right thing to do. We don't do it to please a deity, to assure our place in heaven, because that is not good at work but ego and self at work. We do good because we are and we can and good is our reward. The more we get it right, the more our light is bright-to shine for us and for others. So simple a child could think it up! xo
Posted by Knitman

GOOD MORNING

2011-10-05T07:27:00.001+01:00

Posted by Knitman

SOCIETAL DESTRUCTION

2011-10-04T09:35:00.003+01:00
I really enjoyed the dog show on Sunday. The judging went pretty much as I expected. Mary-Grace was not placed and Pussy came 3rd. It was the judges 1st appointment and I entered because I think it is only right and proper to give 1st timers a chance even though I was fairly confident that she would not appreciate my dogs. She didn't.

Although I find it very stressful to be among so many people I still enjoyed meeting people. I am beginning to enjoy the social aspect of the dog shows.

The weather had not been as forecast and instead it was wet and cold. As the day went on the rain stopped and it became warmer but it was still not very hot day promised. I am relieved that it was not. Home however was a very different matter as it was having the hottest weather in the British Isles! By the time I got home in the late afternoon it was still 30°C.

I may have written here a while ago that my doctor was leaving the medical practice that I attend. However, it turned out that I could follow her to her new practice. I have been to the new practice and it is completely unsuitable for me. It is small has very little parking, like half a dozen spaces, and is 6 miles from home. On top of that it appears that she is only going to be working 2 days a week. I have come to terms with the fact that she will no longer be my doctor.

This presents me with a problem. The practice I am with is a very popular one and all of the doctors have their capacity of patients. The doctor who has come to replace my doctor is not one I could have a good relationship with.

He is a fundamentalist Christian who takes the Bible literally. Not only do I have a problem with a medical doctor who is supposed to be a man of science, thinking in such a primitive way, but I definitely have a problem with having a doctor who sees me and my kind as evil and the cause of societal destruction. I do not believe I can have a good and constructive relationship with somebody who does not view me with positive regard from the outset.

I have to write in and request that John's Dr will take me on her list. I do not know if she will but I know that I already have a good relationship with this woman as I have worked closely with her with regard to John and getting him to take his COPD seriously. She is a very nice woman and I know does not think of us in a negative way.

The manager of the practice understands my position and reading between the lines I am fairly certain that she is on my side though of course she cannot say so. I do not know what is going to happen and of course I am worried about it. I need a doctor with whom I can have a good relationship you know as I am not a not often seen patient! I am high maintenance in that regard and will only become more so as my condition worsens.

Recently I have had quite a lot of difficulty with my hands and getting them to work properly. I do not understand how this connects to spinal arthritis and I am going to ask about that. A few days ago I was convinced that the problem I was having with my hands was because the circular needle I was using for knitting John socks was too short. I changed to my normal 80 cm length but it made no difference. It is hard to explain but it is as if the messages from my brain are not getting to my hands and my hands are working very slowly. Not exactly painful, just weird. I could not even open jars or bottles. It has gone away again now but I know that it is a recurring difficulty and I want to know why this happens. I am at least glad that it is not the circular needles because I have 6 pairs of Chiao Goo in 60 cm length! I find working with the 60 cm length to be much better as there is less cable to pull through.

Posted by Knitman

DRIFFIELD 2011

2011-10-02T03:34:00.005+01:00

Posted by Knitman

NO BRAVERY

2011-09-30T09:35:00.003+01:00
I pinched the title of this post from a song by James Blunt. I do not know right now the gist of his lyric about the title certainly suits this post.

I made a comment about victims being referred to as innocent victims and I find this really annoying, if not offensive. As if there is such a thing as a deserving victim! Do we really think that some victims of terrorist bombs are guilty victims? That some of those killed in an earthquake or some other natural disaster are guilty victims?

Once again this rather sad and sick thinking that we have about ourselves and our fellows can be found rooted in the Bible which tends to lead one to believe that most misfortune is the result of sin. Therefore if you are good nothing bad will happen to you. Therefore if something bad does happen to, you you are bad. And people believe this because it makes them feel better. Even if they do not consciously realise that this is what they believe, most of us do believe the lie that if we are good nothing bad will happen to us.

It is with similar disgust that I hear announcements that a particular person has lost their brave battle with cancer. I have a friend who is in remission and a few others who have died. When one has cancer one has no choice but to deal with it! The implication of all this is that if one dies from cancer one just did not do enough to prevent it, did not battle bravely enough. And it can make cancer victims feel like they cannot show their emotions.

For people with diseases like my own, the same claptrap is often spoken. I have a choice. I can either take to my bed or my armchair and stay there or I can make the best of the ability I still have. It has fuck all to do with bravery. It is a choice. I have no choice as regards my disease, nothing I do will get rid of it. The times when I have appeared stoic and brave I have just been a stubborn idiot! Like for example when I refused medication. I cannot believe that I suffered so much before I gave in. Mind you to be fair to myself much of this refusal to take drugs was down to fear. I had been taught to think things about drugs. That they were dangerous and that only weak people took them. This of course was in reference only to painkilling drugs and mood altering drugs. Today I take the drugs and I do not have a problem. I understand that taking the drugs has nothing at all to do with my status as a man or with my strength or lack of it! I also have not become addicted as many clever clogs believe because I use the drugs for the correct reason. I recently went 3 days without taking any morphine because I had a bug. I was completely without any symptoms of withdrawal. Up until that point there had still been residual doubt and fear regarding taking this medication. now I can quite confidently tell all these armchair experts to fuck off!

What I do accept as bravery on my part and on the part of other people who have survived similar, is that I faced my Demons head on. In many ways this was not a choice because my life was so pain filled that I had to do something. However, I still had to face that which terrified me and feel that which I was convinced would destroy me. It was no exaggeration. It still amazes me that I survived.

For me, bravery is about doing or facing that which we are afraid of. In that respect I am a brave person because I continually do the things which frighten me. And I'm talking about the type of fear that makes your guts feel loose, your hands shake, and your heart pound in your ears. I face this type of fear very frequently. This is mainly to do with other people, especially crowds. Dog shows are always a battle for me.

I know that this is the last word that people would associate with me but I am in reality a shy person. I have just learned to act as if I am not.

I know that I am not alone and the one thing that I would suggest that I have in common with my closest friends is that we share this bravery between us. We all have the same basic fear and we face it head on each day. I think only other survivors of abuse will understand what I am talking about. No matter what words one chooses to use to describe the emotions and the feelings unless one actually experiences it for oneself, and no other can really know.
Posted by Knitman

NO BOUNDARY

2011-09-28T14:10:00.000+01:00

Posted by Knitman

OH POO!

2011-09-27T13:40:00.000+01:00

Posted by Knitman

SPAWN OF SATAN

2011-09-22T17:24:00.000+01:00

Posted by Knitman

UPGRADING

2011-09-20T09:44:00.005+01:00
I seem to be very busy recently and I know that I have neither video blog nor written as regularly as I normally do. I am doing well though. Pain and fatigue have been my usual close companions and I do not seem to have recovered yet from our holiday!

Yesterday I did some dyeing and will post them later on Facebook and on here and of course in my shop. I may well do some more dyeing today, although that rather depends on how my body feels once my drugs have taken effect.

All is well with the dogs with Pussy and Mary-Grace doing very well at the shows. I do not have a show this weekend but do the following weekend so I have had a nice break.

I am very happy with our new audio setup and also with the new television. It is a 40 inch high-definition LED and it is amazing! The speakers are Rega RS1's for the hi-fi, 3 pairs, and I am using an Arcam DAC to filter the sound through. Very very pleased.

The above was a big shop but John said that we need to do the upgrade now because when he retires next year our finances will not be as they are now. I did not argue and I had a great time shopping!
Posted by Knitman

That was my brother's death you were cheering, you a$$holes Updated

2011-09-15T18:09:00.000+01:00
That was my brother's death you were cheering, you a$$holes Updated
Posted by Knitman

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

2011-09-14T13:31:00.000+01:00

Posted by Knitman

BUSY BEE

2011-09-09T12:01:00.003+01:00
I have had a very busy and interesting time since we returned from our holiday in Germany.

last Sunday I attended a dog show with Pussy and Mary Grace. Pussy came 2nd and Mary Grace was 5th. The judge was not the judge that I entered under as she became incapacitated.

This week I have been buying hi-fi equipment from the higher end bracket. John is retiring at the end of April and our income will go down so he said that we should buy up what we need now. Not that we need high-end hi-fi equipment but we both wanted it because we both love music.

Remarkably, although pain has been my constant companion, it has been relatively easy to control. Even more remarkably is that I have been sleeping very well. In fact rather inconveniently well. Not only have I not been waking up to go for a pee, but I have not woken for the 1st time until 10 AM which is 3 hours later than my usual rising time!

John is home tonight and I am looking forward to having him try the very expensive headphones that I bought him. He will really hear his opera and classical music like he has not heard it before. I bought these for him because he would never buy them for himself. He is very strange in that he is rather mean when it comes to money with himself about very generous with me. We now both a pair each of Grado 325is.

Both Pussy and Mary Grace are in season so poor Luque is in a frustrated tiz.

I am going to spend the rest of today listening to music and knitting.
Posted by Knitman

MANNHEIM

2011-09-07T02:02:00.000+01:00

Posted by Knitman

MORE GERMANY

2011-09-05T14:35:00.000+01:00

Posted by Knitman

GERMANY

2011-09-05T13:09:00.000+01:00

Posted by Knitman

CITY OF BIRMINGHAM SHOW

2011-09-04T18:43:00.000+01:00
I had a very good show. I really enjoyed meeting people. I am surprised at how many people come to say hello to me and give me a hug. I have to say that it makes me feel really warm.
Our judge was not the judge advertised when we entered that she is a sweet elderly woman who judges without favour. Pussy was 2nd in her class and Mary-Grace was 5th in hers, Her lowest placement since I have been showing her.

Pussy is rather skittish at the moment which I put down to the fact that she is in season. Having said that I will make an effort to take her into town on her own in order that she get used to plenty of people and noise. Today was her 1st indoor show and the 1st time that she behaved with such uncertainty. when one is showing in big holes it is very noisy and echoing.

The drive home was pretty horrendous as it was very heavily raining. Still there were plunkers who were driving too fast. I was caught in a hold-up for about 30 min because of a road accident. Surprise surprise!
A man in a white van kept overtaking and each time he did so I held my breath absolutely convinced that he was going to hit an oncoming vehicle. It is only luck and certainly not judgement that he did not. The road was definitely not suitable for such driving. I aquaplaned 4 times and I was driving between 30 and 40 miles an hour. It was very scary to have the back of the car suddenly go like that.

My jacket was much admired and several people asked me what it was made of. Much to my surprise several men also wanted to know about the jacket. Most people thought it was silk. I suppose I ought not to have been honest and told them that yes indeed it was silk!

Anyway I had a thoroughly good day and I was home just before 3 PM because this show was only 90 miles away
Posted by Knitman

OUR TRIP TO GERMANY 20.08-30.08 2011

2011-09-02T18:40:00.003+01:00

We really enjoyed our trip to Germany. We had hoped that the weather would be better than it has been here in England and it certainly was in that it was dry for the most part. However, the temperatures were in the early 90s for most of our stay!
We both thought that this was a little over the top.

As a result we spent a fair bit of time in big department stores and shopping malls!

However we did see some beautiful sites. The photographs on this page are of Bruchsal, about 40 miles away from our hotel in Mannheim. The big building is part of a palace which I have assumed was the Palace of a long gone king or prints but in fact it was the summer home of a Roman Catholic Bishop! It is good to see where the money that poor people put into the collection boxes in the Roman Catholic churches goes. After all, the message of Jesus was that we ought to be living in the lap of luxury as far as possible and never mind the poor.

I have more photographs of more places that they can wait for a different day as I do not like to make really long blog posts because I do not like to read really long blog posts.

Oh and before I sign off have you noticed how camp the statue is?

Posted by Knitman

Mannheim, Germany

2011-08-26T21:02:00.003+01:00
2B18.29.23.jpg">

I cannot recall if I mentioned here that we were going too Germany on holiday. This it's our seventh night away. It has been most enjoyable. We will be home on Tuesday.
Posted by Knitman

LOVE NOT LIKE

2011-08-18T18:01:00.000+01:00

Posted by Knitman

BOURNEMOUTH SHOW

2011-08-15T18:50:00.006+01:00

Pussy at her second show. She was placed second to my friend Sarah's girl.

Mary Grace was placed 3rd today. Her lowest placement since she has started showing.

It was a very good day and I enjoyed it very much.
Posted by Knitman

BOURNEMOUTH 2011

2011-08-13T18:16:00.002+01:00

Posted by Knitman

LEVER / CATHOTLIC KNITTING

2011-08-11T18:52:00.000+01:00

Posted by Knitman

CAT FIGHT

2011-08-11T13:56:00.000+01:00

Posted by Knitman