Thursday, May 31, 2012

Let The Mystery Be - Iris DeMent H.Q.



I have only recently discovered this singer. This was from her first album in 94. i love this song. The lyric is very much worth listening to. This woman has a unique voice and a heartbreaking vulnerability and I very much like what she has to say. she is clearly sensitive and knows what it is like to think differently to those around you and to question to the very core of her being.

BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW...

nothing is more traumatic to someone who survives than to have the home (whatever that means) that they build for themselves upset, so all this upheaval will be traumatic - but it will end, and you will come through the trials into the beautiful world you have created with and for your husband.

One of the commentators left this as part of her comment and I want to thank her very much for this insight.I had not thought of this being the reason I am so distressed right now. 

I don't like change. I don't like chaos. This is my home and it looks like a building site. I am somewhat surprised to find myself upset by it. It makes me feel selfish and ungrateful. I am neither. I know how fortunate I am to be in this position. However, this feels like surgery or going into therapy. Seriously, it does.

The house as it was had big negatives and it was cluttered. It wasn't safe for me either. But I was used to it and knew where I was. Now I feel unsettled and unsafe.

I know it will pass but I thank the person for their insight as I always feel better when I know what is going on. Even my Dr knows she has to explain every detail or I shall worry! If I understand what is happening to me, I feel better, even if what is happening is not good.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Sunday, May 27, 2012

LITTLE JOYS






NO DOG SHOWS

Things are proving very difficult indeed. The floor man is coming later as we cannot wait as he has suggested for other things to be done, certainly the decorating can't possibly be done with all this chalky dust over everything. The floor needs laying asap so w can begin to clean it all away. My sore throat, clogged nose and ears are all back. Plus I am really concerned about my computers and hi fi equipment as they too are constantly being covered and no sooner I clean it, it is covered again. I just showered in the new shower-great-but am covered again in dust.


I am not going to Bath tomorrow and despite having entered all the upcoming shows, I have no idea when I shall get to a show. Right now, if I bath and ready for show, I have nowhere for the dogs to go top this red dust getting on them-they are both parti-coloured. So it seems I am out of the show scene for a while now too.


I had a tantrum  and a cry about it all this morning. I had NO IDEA at all it would be this bad. I am living in a building site. My teeth are on edge all the time, like nails on a chalk board. I can't stay clean. Surprisingly, John's chest is coping well and he has COPD!!! It is my sinuses and throat that are badly affected. 


If we HAD won the lottery, John and I would just take the dogs and leave and not come back until all this is done. In fact I would have bought another f*cking house! I am appalled by the idea of this going on longer.


As it is, we will not be in a state to welcome our wedding guests on the 7th July. I am seriously thinking of cancelling and going for a different day once all this is completed. We have nowhere for our guests to be between the ceremony and the dinner.


To say I am upset and stressed is an understatement. And yes, typically, I feel guilty for feeling anything other than grateful and happy. Well, I am grateful but i certainly don't feel f*cking happy just now.


I am especially upset about the dogs and not being able to attend shows for the next couple of months. John doesn't see this as a problem which only angered me. The worst part is that MG is likely to lose the coat she has gained as the floors are very rough and of course she like the rest of us, is full of red chalk dust. Chase is a male, a pup, and enormous coat so although I can't show him, I am not concerned his coat will be wrecked. I don't think Pussy's will be either.


I just had no idea at all. None.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

TANTRA'S CHASE ME

TWISTED BALLS


I was not a happy camper first thing. (oh actually I wqs a happy camper first thing because I had my first normal movement in weeks! And last night I ate one of my no no foods-pitta bread and ice-cream. Not together, the pitta was with the kebab and the ice cream was with a spoon.)  I sat down and put my MacBookPro on and picked up the phone only to find that my balls had become entangled with the phone lead and as I tried to disentangle it became apparent they had wrapped themselves around my headphones too. Now they had only been laying in my chair all night. Maybe Gremlins are real.


Well, I am more or less convinced I am sick. My throat is still sore, my voice has taken on a rather butch tone, and I sound like I should have had my adenoids out(which I did about 50 yrs ago.) I don't think this is dust. Especially as John was not affected and with his lungs, you'd expect he would be.


The men are here putting the floor in. Now we won't be able to set foot in here for a long time. We have to wait for it t be totally dry too before the fake New England Oak floor goes down.


John is home tonight. The next three days we must empty the kitchen and bathroom. That will be fun. More stuff piled into the present lounge. Then on Monday we will be off to France until Saturday and are leaving all the workmen here to get on with it. It is not feasible to stay with the kitchen and bathroom being ripped out and replaced.


It has been fun to just have Chase here. He is a funny boy and this is the second time we have had bonding time on our own. He is quite a sensitive chap and you'd think he would not show but he struts his stuff really well, just like his mum. He has presence. Even the workmen picked him out and asked me if he was a Champion. When pet people say something like that about a dog I am keeping, I always know I have a star. Almost all who met Whitney made similar comments and with MG too. It's the way they move and carry themselves. MG and Chase are quite different to Whitney who will happily jump up to be petted by anyone but MG and Chase have the typically reticent want to get to know you first attitude that LA have.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

UPSIDE DOWN

I have not been very good at updating my blog have I? I have so much going on in my life. And now that I have started to write this I realise that I'm not going to continue. 


 I am just so exhausted today. However, I have not forgotten about this blog nor its purpose. I am writing this mainly for my fellow survivors who come to this blog just to know that there is someone else out there who gets where they are and how they feel. 


I am never going to stop writing about abuse and the effect that it has on the world in general but on survivors particularly. 


Just be aware that for now, I just do not have the energy. Not only is my disease more rampant right now, but we are also having major renovations done to our house and we also have our wedding coming up in July. 


We are having to leave our house on Monday for a week because I physically cannot be here whilst they rip out the kitchen and put in a new one and ditto for the bathroom. 


 I'm not complaining, I am very happy with everything that is going on but I did not realise the toll it would take on me. 


 My dogs are not here for the 2nd time during this renovation and they will stay away until the 26th at the earliest. 


I hate being without my dogs. As any survivor will understand, change is difficult for us to deal with, even good change like this. I have been very tempted to scrap the whole idea and just making do! 


The changes we are making are not just to give us more space but to make the house safer and more disabled friendly. 


 Anyway, I will be back to my normal self and my normal posting regime but it might be a couple of months. 


 One thing I have just realised is that I feel a certain sense of responsibility towards my readers who are survivors. When I first started writing my blog I was doing so purely for myself and it never occurred to me the effect it was going to have on other people. I feel very privileged but it does have a positive effect on others and for this reason I feel a responsibility to continue to share. I do not forget though how much sharing does for myself so I am not fooling myself into thinking that I am doing this for purely altruistic reasons! Absolutely not. It is a great service to myself. I am only grateful that others find it of use as well.

Monday, May 07, 2012

OBSESSION

I hate this about myself. I find it very very difficult to put it behind me when I have been seriously hurt and humiliated. I am still obsessing over last week's attack on my character. It bothers me mostly because the person is nothing to me and because I know that such people never see any wrong in themselves. They don't lose sleep. If they didn't think they were absolutely right, they wouldn't behave this way.


(I know this ties in to my past somehow but not sure how. I do know, and any of you survivors out there, know this: abusers NEVER apologise. If that is what you are waiting for, stop it. It won't happen. It is very rare indeed for an abuser to face that type of pain. People who behave badly, are cruel, hurt others, never think they do or they wouldn't be comfortable. This is just an aside to this post.)


I feel ashamed. Ashamed because I severely misjudged someone. I judged them to be decent and nice and I was very wrong. No this was not one misunderstanding. This was stupid me not taking enough notice of the first time this person's behaviour and attitude toward me were unethical and hurtful. How fucking idiotic was I to forgive and forget? Only to get kicked right in the solar plexus again only far worse this time because it was after I had reached out in compassion an understanding of a situation I had been led to believe by them had been very stressful and upsetting to them.


See, I am still obsessing! Really. It's the first thing on  my mind when I wake, thus the fear upon waking. Yes, this type of situation makes me feel fear. I have just realised why: fear because this incident was just so unexpected, so illogical, I fear what else could happen. If I misjudged this person so badly, who else have I misjudged and who else is going to go for the kill? Even on my outing to the gym yesterday, I did not hang out conversing as I normally do. My self trust is shattered right now.


I feel like slapping myself and telling myself to grow up, there will always be nasty people. Duh! I know that. I just don't normally think such people are nice and put myself at risk with them this way. What a fool I have been. And yes, I am very angry with myself.


Angry because I had plenty of evidence telling me the first time to keep well away, angry because I reached out because I thought they were human and feeling frail and upset, angry because despite myself I feel hurt and humiliated, angry because I am fucking obsessing about it, and angry because I am still so shocked at their behaviour. Angry that I walked right into it. Angry because I can't just forget it. Angry because it wasn't kept private. Angry because I now think others will be thinking what I am thinking about how daft I was to give this person the ability to cross me.


Well, I guess that makes me feel a little less cooped up, just writing it out. 

Saturday, May 05, 2012

A GOOD SHAG

We went to Queensgate, Peterborough yesterday. We left the car ion the valet bays to have a full valet done whilst we shopped. Never done that before. We came back to a very clean car.


Unbelievably, the shops all shut at 5.30pm and Waterstone's at 5pm! And we are in recession? The shops are doing badly?


We have seen dark wood furniture that we like very much in John Lewis. Cabinets and shelving and such like. It looks as though we will be going for this. We have had no luck yet finding a drop leaf table for dining. Still no room to have a permanent dining table and chairs.


Not decided on what we will have other than out two electric armchairs. We are thinking of one of those corner sofa things so guests have somewhere to sit.


I had to bath and groom out MG last evening and she is banned form going out at all now whilst the weather is wet. Pussy, with her enormous coat, is dirty but not matted or even knotted! I am still going to bathe her shortly tho. Meaning within the hour.


We were on our way out to Ely but I suddenly felt the need to away from people and be at home so I turned around and came home. John doesn't seem to mind when I do this. He knows when I am having an 'episode'. Don't ask me what this is because I don't know. I just get the overwhelming need to be alone and at home. It has happened whilst we have been away and only the impossibility of me driving back home on the spot has kept me there. I have found my hotel suffices for home now. I go through periods of just wanting to stay in, not talk to anyone or see anyone. I think it's either a part of PTSD or just needing to re-charge. Whatever, I do as I feel I must. I try to force the issue with myself when it comes to dog shows but I have been known to miss them to. They are a really big deal for me even when feeling strong and looking forward to it. I get 'morning sickness. the day of the show until I get there and settle. Last year at Southern Counties it didn't pass and I was indeed sick. Thankfully my lovely friend, Sarah Hattrell, took care of me until I was sick and the nausea had passed.


I had my hair cut today. I waited longer than I needed to because I didn't want it done by a particular young lady. This made me feel bad because it is hard for it not to appear personal. However, I physically am having a rough time and any touch can hurt. I knew that the young woman who I waited for understood and all I had to say was that my head was bruised all over and she did her job as gently as could. I only winced once.


At Panini's they have art on display on the walls by local artists. I bought a painting of a black and tan mini smooth Dachshund. I don't especially care for the breed, but this painting I thought was really good. 


Well, that is about it today. The dogs need feeding. Pussy needs bathing. I need a new body or maybe just a good shag....

Thursday, May 03, 2012

FALSE ACCUSATIONS

This really pisses me off. Seriously pisses me off.


I am a 53 year old man and yet can still be easily sent back into that abused child mode. I HATE it. Back into that black hole where everything is my fault and no matter what i say, someone else is determined to view me in a dark light.


One thing that I really really detest is being falsely accused. The very first time I spoke up about being sexually abused by a stranger, I was slapped, and told I was disgusting.I was 9 years old. It was my fault according to my mum. This was not the first time this had happened to me but I had been too afraid to tell. After this I never told again and went on to be further abused. A teacher of mine was a child pornographer and he used me. Now with the 'net, every time I hear of pedophiles being arrested for internet child porn, I always wonder if they were viewing me. There is nothing I can do about it.


At 16, I worked in a restaurant. i was good at it. A rather unpleasant woman started to work there and she really wanted her daughter to work there. she started trying to undermine. Eventually, she flat out lied to the boss about me serving oversized meals to friends(what friends?). I was sacked.


A bus I was on came to a sudden stop as I was stood and I fell on to a black man who immediately slapped me and accused me of attacking him because he was black.


Recently I wrote a kind and supportive letter to someone. They CHOSE to interpret this letter as malicious, patronising and arrogant. Nothing could be further from the truth. This person I had already given the benefit of the doubt to because some years ago they had been spreading untrue stories about me and how I kept my dogs. They supposedly had been fed the info by a third party. I forgave then, let it go, and decided she was probably an okay person. I was very wrong to have done that because it only led to me being deeply hurt yet again for the same reason; unethical behaviour on their part. I made the mistake of speaking to them to find out why on earth my letter upset them. I was in physical pain and tired. Not a good mix and very quickly I was reduced to tears and convinced I had indeed been a bad person whose only reason for writing the said letter was malice. I cannot tell you the intense fear this made me feel, how insane I felt. Was i really so wicked? could I really have written that the way ti was taken and not be aware?


 Now I have had some days to sort this through, and read and re-read and re-read what I wrote, I know precisely what happened. I was manipulated by a self centred person who wanted to view me that way, who took no responsibility at all for the twisted way they interpreted my words. A person not looking for offence would not have interpreted my words that way. It wasn't that i was clumsy, or wrote ambiguously. I was clear and my meaning was clear. Especially in light of what had been said to me prior to the writing. My heart went out to them, hence the letter. Well, not that this person means anything to me. But it always hurts when a kindness is returned with a kick in the gut. I have been proved wrong in being generous about them and that is that. End of. I will not make this mistake again. I am not a fool. I have been bitten, hard, twice. There will not be a third time.


It really is a shame. I much prefer to get on with people but I will not be treated so disrespectfully and if someone is so willing to view me as mean spirited then there is no basis for respect.


I am well aware that some people will not understand how such an otherwise minor incident could have such an impact on me, bring back flashbacks and night terrors. I really don't give a f*ck. Other survivors will get it very clearly.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

FLASHBACK