Friday, September 30, 2011

NO BRAVERY

I pinched the title of this post from a song by James Blunt. I do not know right now the gist of his lyric about the title certainly suits this post.

I made a comment about victims being referred to as innocent victims and I find this really annoying, if not offensive. As if there is such a thing as a deserving victim! Do we really think that some victims of terrorist bombs are guilty victims? That some of those killed in an earthquake or some other natural disaster are guilty victims?

Once again this rather sad and sick thinking that we have about ourselves and our fellows can be found rooted in the Bible which tends to lead one to believe that most misfortune is the result of sin. Therefore if you are good nothing bad will happen to you. Therefore if something bad does happen to, you you are bad. And people believe this because it makes them feel better. Even if they do not consciously realise that this is what they believe, most of us do believe the lie that if we are good nothing bad will happen to us.

It is with similar disgust that I hear announcements that a particular person has lost their brave battle with cancer. I have a friend who is in remission and a few others who have died. When one has cancer one has no choice but to deal with it! The implication of all this is that if one dies from cancer one just did not do enough to prevent it, did not battle bravely enough. And it can make cancer victims feel like they cannot show their emotions.

For people with diseases like my own, the same claptrap is often spoken. I have a choice. I can either take to my bed or my armchair and stay there or I can make the best of the ability I still have. It has fuck all to do with bravery. It is a choice. I have no choice as regards my disease, nothing I do will get rid of it. The times when I have appeared stoic and brave I have just been a stubborn idiot! Like for example when I refused medication. I cannot believe that I suffered so much before I gave in. Mind you to be fair to myself much of this refusal to take drugs was down to fear. I had been taught to think things about drugs. That they were dangerous and that only weak people took them. This of course was in reference only to painkilling drugs and mood altering drugs. Today I take the drugs and I do not have a problem. I understand that taking the drugs has nothing at all to do with my status as a man or with my strength or lack of it! I also have not become addicted as many clever clogs believe because I use the drugs for the correct reason. I recently went 3 days without taking any morphine because I had a bug. I was completely without any symptoms of withdrawal. Up until that point there had still been residual doubt and fear regarding taking this medication. now I can quite confidently tell all these armchair experts to fuck off!

What I do accept as bravery on my part and on the part of other people who have survived similar, is that I faced my Demons head on. In many ways this was not a choice because my life was so pain filled that I had to do something. However, I still had to face that which terrified me and feel that which I was convinced would destroy me. It was no exaggeration. It still amazes me that I survived.

For me, bravery is about doing or facing that which we are afraid of. In that respect I am a brave person because I continually do the things which frighten me. And I'm talking about the type of fear that makes your guts feel loose, your hands shake, and your heart pound in your ears. I face this type of fear very frequently. This is mainly to do with other people, especially crowds. Dog shows are always a battle for me.

I know that this is the last word that people would associate with me but I am in reality a shy person. I have just learned to act as if I am not.

I know that I am not alone and the one thing that I would suggest that I have in common with my closest friends is that we share this bravery between us. We all have the same basic fear and we face it head on each day. I think only other survivors of abuse will understand what I am talking about. No matter what words one chooses to use to describe the emotions and the feelings unless one actually experiences it for oneself, and no other can really know.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

NO BOUNDARY

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

OH POO!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

SPAWN OF SATAN

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

UPGRADING

I seem to be very busy recently and I know that I have neither video blog nor written as regularly as I normally do. I am doing well though. Pain and fatigue have been my usual close companions and I do not seem to have recovered yet from our holiday!

Yesterday I did some dyeing and will post them later on Facebook and on here and of course in my shop. I may well do some more dyeing today, although that rather depends on how my body feels once my drugs have taken effect.

All is well with the dogs with Pussy and Mary-Grace doing very well at the shows. I do not have a show this weekend but do the following weekend so I have had a nice break.

I am very happy with our new audio setup and also with the new television. It is a 40 inch high-definition LED and it is amazing! The speakers are Rega RS1's for the hi-fi, 3 pairs, and I am using an Arcam DAC to filter the sound through. Very very pleased.

The above was a big shop but John said that we need to do the upgrade now because when he retires next year our finances will not be as they are now. I did not argue and I had a great time shopping!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Friday, September 09, 2011

BUSY BEE

I have had a very busy and interesting time since we returned from our holiday in Germany.

last Sunday I attended a dog show with Pussy and Mary Grace. Pussy came 2nd and Mary Grace was 5th. The judge was not the judge that I entered under as she became incapacitated.

This week I have been buying hi-fi equipment from the higher end bracket. John is retiring at the end of April and our income will go down so he said that we should buy up what we need now. Not that we need high-end hi-fi equipment but we both wanted it because we both love music.

Remarkably, although pain has been my constant companion, it has been relatively easy to control. Even more remarkably is that I have been sleeping very well. In fact rather inconveniently well. Not only have I not been waking up to go for a pee, but I have not woken for the 1st time until 10 AM which is 3 hours later than my usual rising time!

John is home tonight and I am looking forward to having him try the very expensive headphones that I bought him. He will really hear his opera and classical music like he has not heard it before. I bought these for him because he would never buy them for himself. He is very strange in that he is rather mean when it comes to money with himself about very generous with me. We now both a pair each of Grado 325is.

Both Pussy and Mary Grace are in season so poor Luque is in a frustrated tiz.

I am going to spend the rest of today listening to music and knitting.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

MANNHEIM

Monday, September 05, 2011

MORE GERMANY

GERMANY

Sunday, September 04, 2011

CITY OF BIRMINGHAM SHOW

I had a very good show.  I really enjoyed meeting people.  I am surprised at how many people come to say hello to me and give me a hug. I have to say that it makes me feel really warm.
 Our judge was not the judge advertised when we entered that she is a sweet elderly woman who judges without favour.  Pussy was 2nd in her class and Mary-Grace was 5th in hers,  Her lowest placement since I have been showing her.


 Pussy is rather skittish at the moment which I put down to the fact that she is in season. Having said that I will make an effort to take her into town on her own  in order that she get used to plenty of people and noise. Today was her 1st indoor show and the 1st time that she behaved with such uncertainty.  when one is showing in big holes it is very noisy and echoing.

 The drive home was pretty horrendous as it was very heavily raining.  Still there were plunkers who were driving too fast.  I was caught in a hold-up for about 30 min because of a road accident. Surprise surprise!
 A man in a white van kept overtaking and each time he did so I held my breath absolutely convinced that he was going to hit an oncoming vehicle. It is only luck and certainly not judgement that he did not. The road was definitely not suitable for such driving. I  aquaplaned 4 times  and I was driving between 30 and 40 miles an hour.  It was very scary to have the back of the car suddenly go like that.


 My jacket  was much admired and several people asked me what it was made of.  Much to my surprise several men also wanted to know about the jacket.  Most people thought it was  silk.  I suppose I ought not to have been honest and told them that yes indeed it was silk!


 Anyway I had a thoroughly good day and I was home just before 3 PM because this show was only 90 miles away

Friday, September 02, 2011

OUR TRIP TO GERMANY 20.08-30.08 2011



We really enjoyed our trip to Germany. We had hoped that the weather would be better than it has been here in England and it certainly was in that it was dry for the most part. However, the temperatures were in the early 90s for most of our stay!
We both thought that this was a little over the top.

As a result we spent a fair bit of time in big department stores and shopping malls!

However we did see some beautiful sites. The photographs on this page are of Bruchsal, about 40 miles away from our hotel in Mannheim. The big building is part of a palace which I have assumed was the Palace of a long gone king or prints but in fact it was the summer home of a Roman Catholic Bishop! It is good to see where the money that poor people put into the collection boxes in the Roman Catholic churches goes. After all, the message of Jesus was that we ought to be living in the lap of luxury as far as possible and never mind the poor.

I have more photographs of more places that they can wait for a different day as I do not like to make really long blog posts because I do not like to read really long blog posts.

Oh and before I sign off have you noticed how camp the statue is?