Wednesday, June 29, 2011

THREE POSSIBLE OUTFITS

windsor 2windsor 3Windsor 1Dog Show Outfits. Not worn them yet.

US NOT THEM

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

HEAT AND HEAVEN

Monday, June 27, 2011

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Friday, June 24, 2011

Bent

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Justice

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

KNITTING VIDEO TEST

test

A BETTER DAY

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

HOW I DO IT

A DAY AT A TIME

Monday, June 20, 2011

A SUMMER’S DAY

Today has been an excellent day.

It started off well in that I was able to wake up and get up without feeling half dead and without much struggle to get on my feet.

I then did what I needed to do with myself and the dogs, drank my coffee and did my e-mails and my e-banking. I then went off to the swimming pool.

The swim went very well.  In fact it was probably the best swim I have done for quite some time.

I have spent the rest of my time tidying up and putting rubbish in the bin.  I also put three bags into storage because they are not needed right now.  (In this house storage means open the cupboard under the stairs chuck it in, close the door.)

I also groomed out Mary-Grace yet again!  I do not know where all this hair is coming from.  I certainly hope that she stops this moulting soon.

It was not until about 5:30 PM that I started to experience a strong dialling up of my usual physical problems.  For me this has meant that I have had a really good day! The way I am feeling right now is how I mostly feel from the moment I wake up so the fact that I have accomplished so much today with less pain and fatigue than usual is very welcome.dawn's 3 gilrs

The photograph is of three of my Lhasa Apso girls that I bred which now live with my friend Dawn.  The black-and-white is Shameless, who is the mother of Mary-Grace, the cream in the middle is Moon who is the aunt of Shameless, and the grey girl on the right is Boo (I had named her Shilpa) who is the half sister to Shameless.  All are neutered.  All are very spoiled and I would not have it any other way.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Basket Case


John's Basket Case socks. Knitted on 2.25mm needles. The yarn is a tweed yarn-66% Merino and 34% Sw Merino, 400m to 100g.

Knitted toe up using the Andersson Construction Method with a 1x1 ribbed gusset and the Andersson Heel Mach II.

The pattern is simple. 4x4 rib alternated every 4th round.

COULDN'T HAVE PUT IT BETTER

‎"Each nation has created a god, and the god has always resembled his creators. He hated and loved what they hated and loved, and he was invariably found on the side of those in power. Each god was intensely patriotic, and detested all nations but his own. All these gods demanded praise, flattery, and worship. Most of them were pleased with sacrifice, and the smell of innocent blood has ever been considered a divine perfume. All these gods have insisted upon having a vast number of priests, and the priests have always insisted upon being supported by the people, and the principal business of these priests has been to boast about their god, and to insist that he could easily vanquish all the other gods put together."--Robert G Ingersoll

Friday, June 17, 2011

CHIAO GOO RED CABELE CIRCULAR NEEDLES DEMO

TEST

Thursday, June 16, 2011

A HUNKY CARER PLEASE

If there were one thing that I really find upsetting about my condition, t is my inability to concentrate. I am unable to sit and watch films in one go. If I do not take medication then pain prevents me from being able to concentrate and if I do take medication, the medication prevents me from concentration!


Our nearest cinemas are over 20 miles away. We rarely go and in fact we probably have given up going. If I take enough medication, I can basically stop fidgeting and because there are no other distractions. I am able to concentrate longer. However, I usually then find I have a battle to stay awake!


I do watch a lot of DVDs but they are series and they are easy to watch because the episodes are usually under 50 min and I can enjoy them whilst I am knitting all messing about on the computer without really missing anything important.


What I miss is being transported if you know what I mean. For an hour and a half or three hours, I used to be so absorbed in the film, if it was good. At the end of it, it was like waking up. I am no longer able to get that absorbed.


I am still able to read and I do so every night but I do not read for very long before I fall asleep. So whereas I might have read two or three books a week, it now takes me weeks to finish one book. Written down that sounds rather poor.


I do all of my reading now on my Kindle and it is so much easier for me to hold. It is very light. No, it is not like a real book, which I love to see on the shelves but I no longer buy them. This does not apply to my knitting books which are usually big format and they can just sit on my lap because I do not read them in bed.


Most of my difficulties have been resolved or made better by making adaptations such as using the Kindle to read. However, I have yet to come up with anything that enables me to concentrate long enough to watch a film. I had not realised until this last couple of days when I have watched Harry Potter and the Deftly Hallows. It took three sessions for me to complete seeing the film. Because of this I do not get emotionally involved. I just realise that this is what it is that I miss and completely spoils my enjoyment. I don't know if there is a good combination of drugs that would enable me to concentrate.


The government here are trying to get as many people off disability as they can and I am seriously worried that they are going to come after me. I could not even work on a till in Tesco. I would lose track of what I am doing all I would get very confused because my brain just gives up by that I mean I just goes blank. Once again I would have exactly the same problems as I have in the cinema if I don't take painkillers. I just wouldn't be able to sit and work the till for more than a few minutes. If I do then I just experienced the same inability to function properly.


I managed dog shows by careful planning and revision of my actions before the show and after the show. I also take many more drugs. The night before a show I am usually in bed by six or 7 PM because I am up at 2 AM usually leaving around 4am. I need those two hours for my body to function well enough for me to get dressed. When I get to the show. I park my staff and I stayed sitting down until it is time for me to go in the ring and I only get up when I need to have a pee. My time in the ring is short and painful but up until now I have always managed those few minutes. I have fallen a few times but fortunately other people have seen that I was about to topple and prevented me from doing so.


I think I have a very good attitude and I deal with my challenges in a positive way. I enjoy my life and I do not let my diseases get in the way. Well of course that is not entirely true. Of course my disease gets in the way. What I mean is I make the best of it.


If I were very rich and did not value my independence so highly I would pay somebody to do the following: help me get out of bed every morning, help me to wash and helped me to dress.I would also have them cook my meals for me. All of these things I find very difficult to do and I do not do them every day other than get out of bed. Whereas I used to insist that I was always dressed properly when going out I have had to give that up. Hence I do not wear traditional pyjamas. Instead I wear what is called leisurewear. I make sure that they are fun and interesting and colourful. With the addition of a hat and something around my neck I don't feel like a cripple in his pyjamas going to the supermarket!


I use only the microwave and a steamer for cooking. I cannot hold anything heavy as it is too dangerous. Even with these precautions I still drop stuff. Like those little microwaveable meals that Tesco do. Quite often I will go to get it out of the oven and drop it all over the floor! So yes somebody to cook for me would be very good.


Thankfully I am able to deal with the pain side my disease. Through the use of drugs and my ability to disassociate I'm mostly can keep it in the background. Not all of the time. This day last week I was almost in tears after two weeks of nagging pain that just would not go away no matter how many pills I took. It was quite severe as this is the pain caused when my diaphragm cramps and painkillers do not seem to touch it. Then I awoke on Friday and I was back to feeling like there was almost nothing wrong with me.


My biggest frustration as I think I've probably made very clear is being prevented from doing what I want to do. I do not mind be helped and I do not have any difficulty asking for help. I am not proud in that sense although perhaps I was because asking for help is a new thing with me.

anyway things like not being able to make a machine knitted sweater in one day anymore.not being able to deal with things that I used to find just so easy. For example having visitors. I love my friends and I really enjoy seeing them but it is exhausting for me and I couldn't possibly do it everyday. And I have to say that company that lasts for more than an hour drains me.


And now I must finish this post.

A HUNKY CARER PLEASE

If there were one thing that I really find upsetting about my condition, t is my inability to concentrate. I am unable to sit and watch films in one go. If I do not take medication then pain prevents me from being able to concentrate and if I do take medication, the medication prevents me from concentration!


Our nearest cinemas are over 20 miles away. We rarely go and in fact we probably have given up going. If I take enough medication, I can basically stop fidgeting and because there are no other distractions. I am able to concentrate longer. However, I usually then find I have a battle to stay awake!


I do watch a lot of DVDs but they are series and they are easy to watch because the episodes are usually under 50 min and I can enjoy them whilst I am knitting all messing about on the computer without really missing anything important.


What I miss is being transported if you know what I mean. For an hour and a half or three hours, I used to be so absorbed in the film, if it was good. At the end of it, it was like waking up. I am no longer able to get that absorbed.


I am still able to read and I do so every night but I do not read for very long before I fall asleep. So whereas I might have read two or three books a week, it now takes me weeks to finish one book. Written down that sounds rather poor.


I do all of my reading now on my Kindle and it is so much easier for me to hold. It is very light. No, it is not like a real book, which I love to see on the shelves but I no longer buy them. This does not apply to my knitting books which are usually big format and they can just sit on my lap because I do not read them in bed.


Most of my difficulties have been resolved or made better by making adaptations such as using the Kindle to read. However, I have yet to come up with anything that enables me to concentrate long enough to watch a film. I had not realised until this last couple of days when I have watched Harry Potter and the Deftly Hallows. It took three sessions for me to complete seeing the film. Because of this I do not get emotionally involved. I just realise that this is what it is that I miss and completely spoils my enjoyment. I don't know if there is a good combination of drugs that would enable me to concentrate.


The government here are trying to get as many people off disability as they can and I am seriously worried that they are going to come after me. I could not even work on a till in Tesco. I would lose track of what I am doing all I would get very confused because my brain just gives up by that I mean I just goes blank. Once again I would have exactly the same problems as I have in the cinema if I don't take painkillers. I just wouldn't be able to sit and work the till for more than a few minutes. If I do then I just experienced the same inability to function properly.


I managed dog shows by careful planning and revision of my actions before the show and after the show. I also take many more drugs. The night before a show I am usually in bed by six or 7 PM because I am up at 2 AM usually leaving around 4am. I need those two hours for my body to function well enough for me to get dressed. When I get to the show. I park my staff and I stayed sitting down until it is time for me to go in the ring and I only get up when I need to have a pee. My time in the ring is short and painful but up until now I have always managed those few minutes. I have fallen a few times but fortunately other people have seen that I was about to topple and prevented me from doing so.


I think I have a very good attitude and I deal with my challenges in a positive way. I enjoy my life and I do not let my diseases get in the way. Well of course that is not entirely true. Of course my disease gets in the way. What I mean is I make the best of it.


If I were very rich and did not value my independence so highly I would pay somebody to do the following: help me get out of bed every morning, help me to wash and helped me to dress.I would also have them cook my meals for me. All of these things I find very difficult to do and I do not do them every day other than get out of bed. Whereas I used to insist that I was always dressed properly when going out I have had to give that up. Hence I do not wear traditional pyjamas. Instead I wear what is called leisurewear. I make sure that they are fun and interesting and colourful. With the addition of a hat and something around my neck I don't feel like a cripple in his pyjamas going to the supermarket!


I use only the microwave and a steamer for cooking. I cannot hold anything heavy as it is too dangerous. Even with these precautions I still drop stuff. Like those little microwaveable meals that Tesco do. Quite often I will go to get it out of the oven and drop it all over the floor! So yes somebody to cook for me would be very good.


Thankfully I am able to deal with the pain side my disease. Through the use of drugs and my ability to disassociate I'm mostly can keep it in the background. Not all of the time. This day last week I was almost in tears after two weeks of nagging pain that just would not go away no matter how many pills I took. It was quite severe as this is the pain caused when my diaphragm cramps and painkillers do not seem to touch it. Then I awoke on Friday and I was back to feeling like there was almost nothing wrong with me.


My biggest frustration as I think I've probably made very clear is being prevented from doing what I want to do. I do not mind be helped and I do not have any difficulty asking for help. I am not proud in that sense although perhaps I was because asking for help is a new thing with me.

anyway things like not being able to make a machine knitted sweater in one day anymore.not being able to deal with things that I used to find just so easy. For example having visitors. I love my friends and I really enjoy seeing them but it is exhausting for me and I couldn't possibly do it everyday. And I have to say that company that lasts for more than an hour drains me.


And now I must finish this post.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

LIFE


These are flowers in my garden. I am impressed with the lens on my Sony Alpha. It's a SAM 30mm f2.8.

Today has been a good day. Sunny and warm all day. I have felt much better than I have of late. Thursday last I was on the brink of tears because of almost two weeks of severe fatigue and pain. Yet today one could almost believe I was well. I always think that, completely ignoring the fact I have taken 16 pills so far! ;-)

I watch Terry Pratchett's documentary about Assisted Dying. I was of course very moved by it. And frightened.

I am NOT frightened of assisted Dying. I am not frightened of death. I am frightened of those people who are determined to prevent this from being legal. Who are determined that I and others like me are condemned to a painful terrible death because THEY are frightened of death. Their excuse is that the vulnerable have to be protected. They say that if Assisted Dying were legal, we'd all start killing off the old and the disabled. Bollocks. Hasn't happened in Switzerland,Belgium, Oregon, Washington or the Netherlands. All of which allow assisted dying and euthanasia. One of the anti's was an atheist. No problem with that. I am not BUT i object very very strongly to the religious making these decisions based upon their particular fantasy. It holds no more validity than me basing my decisions upon what is written in Harry Potter novels, or any of the books of Enid frigging Blyton. It seems to me that the pro assisted dying/ euthanasia are ruled by compassion for human beings and the others by fear.

My doctor is a palliative care, pain, expert. She is also honest. About 30% of terminally people do NOT have their pain relieved. So the argument that no one need die in pain if taken care of is false.

I also found it very disturbing that one of the men who chose to die in this film had tried to take his own life. He swallowed 3 mths worth of morphine. He was unconscious for 5days but lived. Terrifying.

I am started to use my Facebook page to make daily videos. I did a Good Morning one just for a laugh but it seems people like them so I am doing more. I am Colin 'Knitman' Andersson on FB.

xoxo




Monday, June 13, 2011

Sound of Music - Loss of Innocence

This is a sweater, set in sleeves, I am in the process of knitting on my Silver Reed 830 fine gauge machine. I have used TD5 and the gauge is 37st and 53r to 10cm.
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The yarn is 70% Mongolian Cashmere and 30% Silk. It is 2/58 weight (2900m/100g). I have used 6 ends together. I do not do anything special. I threaded 3 ends into two separate masts.

I have used this yarn 3 times before and sold each sweater.
This time I would like to keep this for myself! The handle is fantastic. So soft and smooth you could wear it is a jock strap.

It is machine washable and can be tumble dried.


I have had a strange day. I think my mood could be best described as melancholy. I do not mean depressed. Not at all. I have been listening to music which has sent me back in time to my childhood. Nana Mouskouri and the soundtrack of The Sound Of Music move me deeply. For years this has been so. Just listening, no matter my mood, brings tears quickly to my eyes and constricts my throat.

I have been trying to figure out why. I think I have.

We went as family to see the Sound of Music when it first came out. About 1965. I would have been between 6 and 7yrs old. I very clearly remember wanting to dance and sing on the way home and I did. It is a very happy memory in what was otherwise a very dark period of my life. My father's reaction to my reaction to this film-joy-was one of shame and anger. I can't think of another moment in my childhood where I understood clearly that I was not acceptable to my parents.

This whole period was very strange. I was already afraid of men yet I do not know why. My father's violence, as far as I can recall, was yet to explode upon me. I only know that it was during this period that I began to hate school. I turned up one day to discover that my class teacher was a man and I was frightened and unhappy. During this same time period I witnessed by best friend at the time be killed in what would now be classed as a racist hate crime.

My father's cruelty was apparent even then. One day he dragged us out to the garden to show us our dead pet rabbit. He blamed us for it's death. Typical of him. No sense of personal responsibility and always ready to blame. I saw it's dead eyes, covered in some sort of white stuff. I imagine it died of myxomatosis. Of course a 3, 6 and 9 yr old were to blame.

Nan Mouskouri also marks another sad time in my time life. To put it mildly. Living in Australia, after 3-4 years in Singapore. A soft English boy uprooted yet again but this time dropped into the tough outback of Australia, in a sheep town. I stood no chance. Within weeks I was being sexually abused again, a teacher who was a child pornographer, and feeling I was to blame.(Well, I was told so! I was wickedness personified. Nuns had been telling me this for years.)

So why on earth do I listen to this music? What is it about it that has me yearning? The memories it conjures up are not good ones.

I think it has to do with innocence and loss and hope. I was unaware back then. I did not know I had been robbed of my innocence. I did not know how much I had lost. I had no idea of these things. I felt very little back then. I had learned to disassociate and I was expert at it.

Hope. It was also a time of hope. I still had hope back then. This was before the fantasy I lived in was shattered and I had to give up hope.

The fantasy I lived in, my make believe world, was one filled with impossible dreams and soul destroying hope. I kept going because I believed I was going to find what it was that was missing in me. One day, I was going to be loved and accepted by my family and I would be popular amongst my peers. I would be noticed. I would do great things. I would prove to my parents and the world that I was a good boy. The world was black and white, as I had been taught it was and in that world, all I had to do was find the key that would transform me from this shameful, unacceptable, ugly wretch into a someone that people would want to be around and not shun.

It seems therefore obtuse to feel the loss of that so keenly. It isn't. Black and white thinking is comforting and it feels safe. It is why the world is full of people who think in such terms (religious fundamentalism is one such result of black/white thinking). It is not obtuse to long for a time when life was very simple, even if that life was also very painful.

It was a time when one could really believe that nothing bad could happen to a good person. Bad things happened to me on a daily basis. Therefore I was bad. I clung to the hope that I could make myself good and thus stop the abuse.

This is why my real recovery did not happen until I had given up hope.

Today I know I shall die. I know that bad things happen to good people. I also know that no matter what I do, no matter what I become, I will never be who my parents wanted. I will never be acceptable to my family or the world at large.

I also know who I am today. I know that I am good and whole. I know that I cannot regain what I have lost. I know too that I would never want to go back into that dark thinking, that admitted no light, no relief, no love. Who I am today is not a boy whistling in the dark to keep my spirits up. I truly understand how good and whole I am. I also know that this is no protection from the bad things that happen to human beings. I know that one day I will suffer the ultimate loss and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing at all.

I choose therefore to live today, now, in this time that I have. I choose not to go back. I choose not to allow others to drag me down or back. I choose to resist the temptation inherent in rigid thinking patterns. I choose to keep my mind open.

I have envied those who long to be a child again. I have assumed they must have had a good and happy one. Now I know that isn't true for all of us and that it isn't so odd to hanker after a period of life that was so truly awful it is the stuff of present nightmares. It isn't the reliving of childhood one hankers after, it's the innocence of thought, the hope, one longs for.

The hope that one day the truth will not be the truth. It is the fairytale, the fantasy, that one can change others and events by being good.


Sunday, June 12, 2011

THREE COUNTIES 2011






I had a good day at the show yesterday. I met and chatted with people I like. We had a terrific thunderstorm just as the judge was placing us in Junior Bitch, which Mary-Grace won.(I was very pleased, as at 3 ch shows running show was was 2nd!).
 
My friend Gavin Roach very kindly took all of my stuff inside for me.What impressed me the most was his realising that there was no way I was going to be able to do it, and certainly not before I was soaked through. I did not have to ask for help. He just gave it.
 
The people I have previously written here about, those I had been friends with for 30 years, were there. 'Hello' was all they managed. Not that I wanted any more. I had difficulty controlling myself. My hands were shaking with anger. I called upon my resources and meditated and got into the zone with my knitting. I was NOT going to let rip! They are not worth it and I will be the one who comes off looking the guilty, not to mention nuts, party. I am still totally shocked at their disgusting behaviour. The fact I was so wrong about them, well her mainly, still shocks me.
 
I know I keep writing shock but I cannot think of another word. I would never have thought she was such a nasty piece of work. Never. I was fooled thoroughly. I let myself be used for far too long by someone who was an expert manipulator. Far from being the kind mentor I had thought, she used everything she learned about me to keep me in line and to her advantage. Pc's sewing machines, animals, money. Yes I gave them all.
 
I am relieved though that this is over. For years I had this awful argument going on inside me: one telling me the true nature of our friendship and the other side castigating me for being so wicked as to think such a thing about kind people. The argument was just exactly the same as the inner turmoil the childhood abuse caused me. John wanted me to ditch them years ago because he saw them for what they were but I argued against him. How wrong I was. John loves me and he saw what was happening. I ought to have trusted him instead of them.
 
Now they have shown their true colours and I am free of them. My emotions about them will sort themselves out and it will no longer be an issue. For now it is but in a way I have not felt before. In the past, the me who felt everything was my fault, would have been all over them wanting their approval. Instead I am livid with them Absolutely lived.
 
This too shall pass.
 
I learned yesterday too about my meeds and food. I have to force myself to eat. The trouble is, the combo of the stress of the show (good stress), the getting up really early, my meeds, and just being in a fun place, decreases my appetite. The drugs do too. I was fine until the several hours after my last dose of drugs and I was home: I got hyper. I now realise this was a combination of the days emotions, the lack of food and my meds. The lack of food mainly. I am going to have to try and make myself eat. It is not easy to do that when one is grateful to not feel hungry! Yet I really don't like being high either. Reminds me of a manic episode. Especially when the really hyper was not until 5-6 hrs after my last dose of pain killers.
 
The photographs were taken by Gavin Roach, fellow Lhasa Apso breeder. he and his wife Mary are very nice people. It was Gavin who made sure my stuff and I were safely ensconced indoors out of the storm.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

ALL A JUMBLE

I saw a photograph of a person who was easily recognisable in an article about success they have had in their chosen field.  I was suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling that I found very difficult to put into words or at least into one word.

When I look at my life I often feel that I have contributed nothing. This bothers me.

Don’t misunderstand me.  On a very personal level I have been a huge success in overcoming against all odds.  When you know that I used to self harm, that I used to starve myself and binge and vomit and take laxatives, that I spent long periods of time indoors too afraid to go out, that even when I was able to go out was very difficult to do so because I would have to check everything over and over and over until in the end I didn’t bother going out, or if I did I would only have to return to make sure that I had indeed turned off the gas and locked the doors and unplugged this that or the other. I did not used to stick up for myself, I did not value myself and I have far too many people in my life that just increased my sense of not being good enough.  Okay so this sentence grew too long but you get the idea what I’m trying to say.  I do not do any of this stuff any more.  I even deal very well with my physical disabilities now.

This is all that I have had time for in my life; recovering from the first 16 years of it.  This seems to me to be such a waste and I wonder what I could have become had I not had all these obstacles to overcome.  I know of other people who have had far worse starts than I did who have still become successful and productive adults.

This does not mean that I do not feel very fortunate to have the life that I have.  It amazes me on a daily basis.  I would never have believed that the good life I have today would have been possible.  In fact I did not believe it was possible.  The way my life has turned out has been a total surprise to me.  I never ever forget where I came from and on those days that I am tempted to feel sorry for myself I remember how bad things used to be.

Yet I still feel as though I did not blossom.  I am not sure if this lack I feel is purely an ego driven thing in that I would want other people to see me as a success. For example, John is a world-renowned expert in his field and recognised as such.  Is this what makes me feel like something is missing?  I am not recognised as an expert in anything because I am not!

Or is it me who holds the attitude that I cannot be a success unless I have a job or career or talent that shows that I am?  I guess I do think that the success I have had personally in gaining sanity is not enough.  I think that many other people have done the same and also become a success in a given field.  I have been told that whilst other people have indeed done this most of them did not have all of the obstacles that I had. I remember being shown a list of seven things that a child required in order to become a stable adult.  I scored one.  Is it really that simple?

There is also this point; perhaps I feel resentful that my energy was all used up in the fight for sanity and I had no time or strength for anything else. Imagine if I had and I was pulling in a salary similar to John’s.  If that were so I might feel that I gave as much as I took.

Although I know that I am very fortunate it is not easy to just accept being on the receiving end all of the time.  This sounds jolly ungrateful but those who read me often enough know that ingratitude is not one of my problems.

It is also about freedom.  Knowing that the quality of my life is dependent upon another is both humbling and frightening.  By humbling I do not mean humiliating. I mean that my situation prevents me from looking down upon those who are not as fortunate as me and always remembering that fact. Frightening because my lifestyle very much depends upon somebody else.

This post seems like it is a bit of a mess and whilst it has brought vague feelings together into a more solidified group, I am not aware of any conclusion.

Perhaps this is just one of those things that I have to accept; that my life will always be about receiving especially as my physical needs grow.  I have to say that if my needs grow to such an extent that I need to be in a care home then that will be when I check out.  I have been in such totally dependent and vulnerable situations before and I can assure you that those situations were Hell-like and I will never allow that to happen again.  I was persuaded at the end of 1994 to go into a private clinic.  I was told that my experiences in the late 70s in public funded care would not be repeated in a private clinic.  That was a lie.  My experiences were precisely the same; the general ignorance about what I needed and a blind eye turned toward abusive staff and out of control clients.  I have since found out that they even tried to stop John’s daily visits.  No, I will never let this happen again.

Well I wasn’t at all sure about what I would write about when I started and as I have already said I don’t feel like I have come to any conclusions.  However, I feel a reinforced gratitude for the life that I have.  I think remembering what it was like to be “in care” has brought me back to today and how grateful I am that my life today is very very different.  Perhaps this other lack of success that I feel is just an illusion and maybe, outward success is not what it is about. 

Perhaps everything I have achieved on a personal level IS what it is about?  Maybe. I still think I could have had more.  Like a career. Or a proper outlet for my talents, ones that would have shown one way or the other if I was talented or just proficient. I’ll never know.

One of my big disappointments happen as a result of moving out here.  When I lived in London I was a sought after medium with both private clients and public speaking engagements coming out of my ears.  However, in the area in which I now live I am not liked.  As a result of this my work ground to a halt.  I know that it has nothing to do with the quality of my evidence as that is sound and much sounder than most I see.  I have had more than one booking secretary tell me to my face that I was not considered acceptable because the example I give of somebody who’s life was pulled out of the gutter by the principles I was imparting, was not what people wanted to hear.  One even suggested it was offensive.  I feel as though all of the work I did on developing and of overcoming my fear of other people and public speaking was all a waste.  Yes, because of my physical problems, my work would have been restricted but it would not have been demolished as it now has been.

Now that I have got to this point in my writing I realise that this is the one area that I am deeply upset about.  It makes me wonder what the point of it all was.  Why would I go through so much in order to better use my gift and impart my knowledge and experience to only have the rug pulled out from under my feet?  I have not used my gift for a long time.  I have not even been to listen to anybody else.  All seems to me like it amounts to nothing.  What is the point of being very good evidentially if I have no outlet for it? The only thing I have done simply is describe the pick of litter remotely for a friend! That was not asked for it just came unbidden but it is hardly… Well I’m not sure but it doesn’t seem like a big deal.

Right, I now think I am rambling so I am going to sign off today.  (The whole time I have been writing this my program keeps telling me that it is receiving poor voice yet it has written everything I have spoken almost 100% perfectly! Normally, I am having to stop and correct and it does not go on about receiving poor voice!)

Sunday, June 05, 2011

C’EST LA VIE

It is often said that people do not change. I think we do. Maybe our essence stays but we grow. If we want to. I am not even sure about the essence bit. Maybe by changing we just uncover what was already there?

I know that I have changed. Dramatically. For the better. Those who have known me only in the last 10 years will have noted a change in my weight and they way I dress. Those who have known me very much longer will have noted far more extensive change. No stutter. A positive attitude. Happy disposition.

For those who read my thoughts and are also in the recovery process, you need to know that as you change, so do those around you. By that I mean that you will have different people around you. You will repel some through your change and attract others.

I know that for me, I have gained new friends. I have lost old ones who cannot deal with the new Colin who is not helpless, easily manipulated, always agreeable.

At first I was resentful of the clearly altered relationships with some people. I could not understand how they could not like me now that I wasn’t scared all the time, not harming myself, not having panic attacks, not being so needy. It seems those people could only relate to the unstable, needy me I used to be and they too resented the changing relationship.

I no longer have some of those people in my life. Those close to me that have stayed have stayed because they truly wanted the change FOR me. It seems they always saw thru my damage to the real me.

I do have trouble with being  compassionate towards myself sometimes. I cringe when I remember how I used to be. How I let people use and abuse and manipulate me. I was so convinced I was bad, I never ever thought others might be coming from a place not so good and they did not have my interests to mind at all. Put simply, if you hit me, I would wonder what I did wrong. It never occurred to me that you would hit me just because YOU were the problem!

I have been shocked and saddened to discover that one or two people whom I thought really cared for ME were amongst those that did not and have now left my life. Once a persons true colours have flown, there is no going back.

There is no need to spend time hurt and resentful over these lost friends. Yes, feel it at first but then let it go. To me, I always come back to what I DO have. Not just the good friends in my life but most importantly the new ME. A me I can live with and be at peace with. A me no longer self harming, running scared, and being the yes man.

I would not trade that for anything. Not friendship. Not love. Nothing.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

60 THINGS YOU NEED NOT KNOW

  1. I love coffee.  Real coffee not instant.
  2. I love caramel flavour.
  3. I dislike artichoke, chicory.
  4. I don’t like haggis
  5. I have a high tolerance for pain which is both good and bad
  6. I detest opera.  I would rather listen to cats on heat.
  7. Until recently I only ever liked female singers. 
  8. I would have liked to have been a singer or a comedian
  9. I wanted to be a vet
  10. I have lived in five different countries
  11. I have visited every continent except South America
  12. I lived in 34 different homes before I was 40
  13. I lived in 33 different homes by my mid-20s
  14. I am half Latin
  15. I am wary of my own sex
  16. I am hypervigilant-this is good and bad
  17. If I had one wish it would be that everybody would be at peace with themselves.
  18. I love chicken
  19. I am almost always hungry
  20. I am shy
  21. I am good at acting as if I am not
  22. I love to travel
  23. I get homesick and long for the safety of home
  24. I am anti-religion
  25. I am not an atheist
  26. I am not a theist
  27. I am frightened of people in uniform especially men
  28. Film and song can make me cry
  29. I cannot watch graphic violence
  30. I love the TV series Shameless
  31. I watch Neighbours every day
  32. I often feel very homesick for Australia
  33. Living in Australia was the worst time of my life
  34. I don’t understand 32!
  35. I have spent almost 2 years of my life in mental hospitals
  36. I witnessed the violent death of my best friend when I was seven
  37. I have no recollection of it at all
  38. I first tried to commit suicide when I was seven
  39. I love junior school until I started a new term and my teacher was a man.  I hated school from that day on.
  40. My nickname in high school was Shit
  41. The most exciting place I lived was Singapore. I vividly remember the sights and sounds and smells.
  42. Singapore was the place that my father first almost killed me
  43. Singapore is my first memory of sexual abuse-I was attacked by a stranger.
  44. I love to create and would consider not being able to simply dreadful
  45. Sometimes I feel like staying in bed forever
  46. I love to dress up
  47. I love colour
  48. I love to shop even if I do not buy
  49. I love attention
  50. I often wish I were invisible
  51. I love Pepsi Max
  52. I love jelly (jello)
  53. I love peanut butter and blackberry jam sandwiches
  54. I am allergic to grains and pulses
  55. I adore ice cream and can eat it by the litre
  56. I like rare steak so that the middle is uncooked
  57. The smell of alcohol makes me gag
  58. I hate rap music
  59. I want to travel to the farthest reaches of the known universe
  60. Being dead does not frighten me. Dying does.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE TURD KIND

This day has probably been one of the worst for quite some time.  I feel about as mobile and heavy as a tonne of lead.

Not to belabour the point but my insides have embarked on a radical spring cleaning program.  It sort of threatened to do so yesterday but I thought I had got away with it until I had been up for about an hour. Then all hell broke loose, so to speak. Having spent the morning enjoying the view from the Throne room all seemed to settle down.  Until this evening that is.

I had already taken the decision to only take essential medications today.  Whether or not this has helped I do not know. It could well be the very bland diet today. Either way, movements this evening do not seem so rapid.

I can only hope that by tomorrow this spontaneous colonic irrigation will have run its course and I will also feel much less like a lump of lead.  I have Mary-Grace to prepare for the dog show on Friday.  I will take plenty of morphine on Friday which will prevent further unwanted irrigation.

No!  I have not been near any German, Spanish, or any other nationality, cucumbers.  Before you ask.  And no, I do not have any other bug, condition, or syndrome, or anything that any new-age guru would be remotely interested in and I’m quite certain they would not have written about it so I do not need to be directed to any websites that will cure this problem.  It will go away of its own accord.  And it will come back of its own accord.  Yes, the more or less instant cure is rather large doses of morphine but that has its own drawbacks besides which I’d rather use it to deal with pain whilst it still does and not hasten my tolerance to it by treating my unwanted gut motility.