Thursday, July 31, 2008

Not Fat Now!

I made this for myself. As with the last sweater I made, I forget when sizing that I am not fat any more. This sweater fits perfectly lengthwise but is 67cm (26.4") wide when I only needed it to be 62cm (24.4").

I knit both sleeves identically. Front and back are the same also.
I use short rows to shape the front and back neck. They are identical.
I use mattress stitch to sew up. This shows the raglan seam.
The stitch pattern. I knitted this on a Brother 940 using the garter carriage.

Possible Keepers

These are the two puppies I am keeping for now.

Tantra's Mama Mia
Tantra's Just James

Calling Dr Bombay

No, nothing to do with Bewitched but I wish I could zap someone with a twitch of my nose!

I have spent most of yesterday on the phone to British Telecom's 'customer service' department. Yes, you get thru to a person in Mumbai(Bombay) or somewhere in India. Very polite. They constantly thank you for calling BT and have no idea you are sitting at the other end considering suicide or committing mass murder or of various uses for the telephone in one's hand.

I got a bill. I noticed call charges. 361 phone calls to be exact for my second phone line. Not only have I not made those 361 calls, I do not have a second phone line.

Yes, you made these calls, Mr Andersson. You made them using your wireless hub and BT Talk.

No I didn't. I don't have a wireless hub. What is that?

It's the hub phone that you sed to make these calls through your broadband connection

No, I didn't use it. I don't have one.

yes, sir, you have a hub phone. It is plugged into your PC.

No I do not have one.

Yes you do. You have an account.

When was this account opened?

July 07.

How does one open this account?

Well, we send you a password and you call us and give us the password and we start your service.

Well, I didn't do that. I don't have a Talk account and nor do I have this Wireless Hub thing.

Yes, sir, you do. You have made 361 calls with it.

Then I remembered a box that BT sent me. I went and got it. It's a Wireless Hub thing. Unopened. I told them.

You have made these calls, Mr Andersson, using your Wireless Hub.

I am worried now about my blood pressure. Should I take my angina spray?

No I said, it's in it's box. I don't know what you are talking about. I have not made these calls. I don't have a Talk account and the Wireless Hub thing is not even plugged in.

I am so sorry sir, but you do have an account and you did make these calls. No sire no one has hacked into your account. No sire we do not make mistakes. I can assure you you have not been billed for someone else's line.

(I am now thinking of campaigning for a law change to sanction murder of BT Customer Service personnel on the grounds of extreme provocation and mental cruelty.)

Late last night after many hours on the phone to BT, I thought to call the second number that is supposedly mine. I hung up when a man answered! I didn't know what to say and was so shocked I would have sounded mad. So this morning I call again and leave a message on their Call Minder.

I also called OfCom and they were very helpful and I got thru to BT English As A First Language, No Heavy Accents complaints department. They must by law settle this within 48 working hours. (Read about 2 weeks I assume.)

They now accept that my bill is for someone else's phone. Or at least I think they do.

Whoever thought of outsourcing Customer services to India needs to be shot, after a lengthy amount of time talking with BT Customer Services.

They obviously never thought to wonder what these heavy accents would sound like on the telephone. Instead, we are driven to distraction by people who are not at fault. Of course they are not. They don't have an accent to themselves and also they are poorly trained and cannot answer anything much. They are clearly taught to deny everything. On top of this, we the customers, are made to feel guilty and racist because of the problems encountered. The people who dreamed this up have no respect for their customers nor for their staff. Those poor staff must be very stressed because whilst I did not at any time say what I really wanted to, I did raise my voice considerably and I enunciated loudly and clearly to no avail. Others though I am sure let rip on the poor Customer Service rep.

(Other companies also do this and they use French or Spanish people who are just as impossible to understand on a phoneline.)

Assuming I am not committed, had up on murder charges, taken to my bed, flipped my lid, or become otherwise indisposed, I ought to have an update to this saga by Tuesday.

If sometime on Monday or Tuesday there is a high magnitude earthquake centred on the east coast of Britain and causing a massive tidal surge heading in the general direction of BT Customer Services and all that lay in the way, you will know that it was not sorted out




Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Guantanamo Bay

After yesterday's shorter swim(64 laps), I did little else. I took the puppies to be microchipped. The man who does it is so good at it. The pups didn't complain at all. Never do with him doing it. And it is not a thin needle that goes in. More like a canula. I had my 2 hr nap before I went.

I did little else for the rest of the day. Some sock knitting, almost finished sewing up the sweater. I watched Jodie Foster in The Brave One along with Terrence Howard who is an excellent actor. Very expressive face. Looks like a man who really feels. I actually watched this film without doing anything else. About half way thru I took pain meds. When it was done I watched Rendition with Meryl Streep and Jake Gyllnhaal.

I found both films to be disturbing and both brought up conflicting emotions. Horror at torture and revenge and also an element of satisfaction at the baddies getting done. Disturbing.

Rendition is the most disturbing really because it shows how we in the West have lost our credibility as democracies who champion freedom. Guantanamo Bay and the practice of rendition are both appalling and to me show that the terrorists already won. or that we were never what we were told USA can justify it is beyond me. How the UK and the rest can sanction it is also beyond me. Such hypocrisy. Such evil. Oh, but anything to stop the Muslims right? Forget democracy, freedom, integrity, morality, right? We have a war to win. Trouble is it isn't so easy to see who the good guys are any more. The whole lot make me sick. Oh and it will get worse, much worse. Oil is running low. Watch out, we will soon see just how democratic and free we are. (And thankfully I do not suffer from Patriotism so I can say what I think and not have it used to silence me.)

Okay so I did not set the alarm for 5.30am this morning. I woke up at 5.30 am anyway. I then dosed till 6.45am. It was hard to not get up to go swim. I have a busy day. Bathing dogs and taking the pups to show the stud owner. I think that will just about wipe me out for another day.

I am sure I have said before, it isn't pain that bothers me so much as not being able to do all I want to do and getting tired so easily. It really p's me off. It is so frustrating. Fortunately those closest to me understand my limitations and I don't bother with the rest. Explanation is a waste of time and I don't see I need to anyway. I am aware to look at me doesn't tell you anything. I am so good at disassociating I can be in quite severe pain and you wouldn't know. because it wouldn't show. However, if I was fatigued then you would know! I tend to pale and become very vague and my speech turns to mush.

Another bright and sunny day and like yesterday, not so hot and humid.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Barak Obama

I have never before been taken by a politician. They tend to leave me cold and cynical.

Not this man.

There is something about him that makes me hopeful and excited.

Heat

The weather is now warm. It is like summer. Yet it is of course too hot and humid! Mid 80's and very sticky. Oh well!

Yesterday's show went well. Micah was 3rd in his class and Whitney won hers despite slipping her lead and running off! It was very hot by the time it was her turn and I think she just flipped a bit when the lead left her neck. It didn't help that too many people called her name and tried to get her instead of leaving me to get her. Natural that they would try and help of course.

When I arrived at the show, I was the first as usual in my breed. There was a food wagon at one end of the grooming area and the post that held the mark off rope was next to it. I moved this post enough so I could get in, figuring I would be out of anyone's way and not have to keep getting up, which hurts. Well, this woman took it upon herself to go and complain to the management that I was blocking the entrance! Not only did she not have the manners and intelligence to ask me to move, she didn't even know where the entrance was. She was one of these self centred people who just wanted everything her way. I get really quite annoyed at this sort of crap. Needless to say, management came and asked me to move!

I fell asleep about 9pm last night and awoke at 7.15am this morning! Most unusual. Interestingly, I had an old nightmare again, one which I have had many times and it always leaves me feeling dreadful. This time though it seems I may have resolved the issue in the dream. Time will tell. I hope so because I really hate this dream and it takes a while of me being awake before I can convince myself the events of the dream are not real.

My ability to sense stuff for others is fairly good. However, to sense it for myself is another matter entirely. Yet the last two shows that I have done well at, I had a certain feeling before I went. Quite a different feeling to the one I had at the shows I did not do well at. It may be coincidence. I shall have to wait and see. Both times the feeling just arrived with the thought of going to show, suddenly. It didn't come as a result of thinking about it.

Maybe it's the heat but I am in more pain and feel weaker since it warmed up.


Saturday, July 26, 2008

Not So Bright

As usual, I have been over doing a good thing. Yes, my swimming. I have felt that getting up early and going and doing my swim was good for me. Recently though the fact that I am not fit for much else after my swim has been bothering me. All very well to have lost the weight, and exercising to slow the onward march of my disease but to do so to the point of being so exhausted and in pain seemed rather daft to me. Finally! I have been feeling exhausted for months and put that down to my condition. Not to my overdoing it.

I spoke with Elizabeth about my health yesterday(she's my gp) and when I told her I as getting up at 5.30am most mornings and going and swimming 80 laps, she thought that explained why I looked so rough the last time she saw me! She said a healthy person would feel knackered doing what I was doing and that doing what I was doing was in fact making things worse for me. She suggested I cut down. Well yesterday and today, I swam until I felt it hurting and I stopped instead of pushing myself onward. I am either going to cut back on the amount of times I go each week, to maybe 4-5 mornings or I shall cut back on the amount I do.

I do need to do something because I have little energy or mobility to do much else. Quite why it has taken this long for the correlation between the amount of swimming I am doing and the lack of energy and mobility to dawn on me, I don't know. I am prone to setting harsh targets for myself. Finding a healthy balance is difficult for me. I usually have to be really sick or in great pain before I stop.

Time for that to change, me thinks.

Friday, July 25, 2008

New DM's

My New Doc Martens.

Puppies -almost 7 weeks







Thursday, July 24, 2008

Weird Dogs


My dogs did not much care for my new boots. Lui barked at me ferociously and the others all backed off! I have a green pair of same coming tomorrow.

oh Bother

My rib cage spasms returned with a vengeance last night. Terrible night, trying to sleep in between bouts of pain. Of course the first thing I did was reach for the antacid liquid, which of course does no good. But I was asleep and not thinking clearly. When the stopped because I changed position, I twigged that it wasn't acid. I am back to waking up in order to move. Eventually I remembered to stuff pillows behind me so that I had them behind my head, my shoulders, my middle and hips. Then I got some sleep, on my back.

There seems to be no rhyme nor reason to these spasms. It is apart of the spinal arthritis but not that common. I admit to finding this aspect of my problem more than challenging. Lack of sleep makes me worse. Waking up in the dark early hours, in bad pain it is very easy to let your mind conjure up the worst possible causes! Plus it just pisses me off that there is no real explanation for these spasms. Oh I know what is happening, just not sure why. There doesn't seem to be much I can do to prevent them although the pillows do help.

No swimming today. Duh! The puppies were not happy that I got up later than usual. They are used to me being there at 5.30am not gone 7am.

I am on the final sleeve of the Oxford grey raglan garter stitch patterned sweater. It is 50% merino, 25% cashmere and 25% silk. I have also started another pair of socks, using one of the Kaffe Fasset colourways from Regia. The swirly ones. I am doing these in plain st st as I think I want to see the swirly pattern clearly.

Tonight I am going to my usual Spiritualist meeting. I have not seen tonight's speakers in this capacity before and I am told they are good.

I have a dog show this Sunday in Leeds, another next Sunday in Epping, one the Wednesday 6th) in Paignton, Devon and then one on the 11th in Bournemouth. I miss the Welsh Kennel club and the Scottish Kennel Club shows because we will be in Germany.

Our weather has finally decided it will be summer after all. 28c (82.4f) yesterday and today seems likeit will be nice too.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Fear Based Belief

The glaring flaw in fundamentalist belief - is the belief in a God of retribution and in Hell.

If you learn about Cults and cult mind control, you will see that Fundamentalist faith fits the bill, it is a cult, albeit one with many variation's, the RC Church included.

My experience has been with the RC Church, the Jehovah's Witnesses and Born Again Xtians. I was saved by someone knowledgeable in deprogramming.

ALL three taught that to doubt was sin and would land one in Hell. (To be correct here JW's do not believe in Hell but in non existence for non JW's). First cultish statement.

That to question was not intelligence but Satan making one disbelieve. Another mind control answer.

That Satan placed the evidence of Evolution in the ground to fool us and take us to Hell or non existence.(BA's and JW's).

It is not possible to have a logical, intelligent, rational discussion with people who believe like this. Why? Because for them to question or disbelieve means they will burn in Hell for eternity(or cease toe exist). They are terrified of their God. One cannot dare to question for fear of annihilation or eternal suffering.

I know. I have been there. Thank God for my homosexuality. Why? Because without that I might still be in the evil clutches of these cults. My homosexuality was not chosen, it just was and I knew that. This gave me the courage to question. This gave me the courage to learn. This gave me the courage to discover other world views, other ideas. Most of all it led me to the discovery that what I had been taught was not Truth at all but ideas. And the ideas were of terrified minds and of the minds of those who seek to abuse and control.

No matter the evidence, fundamentalists will not believe anything other than what they read in their holy book. Or rather what their elders and pastors tell them the words mean. This is why whenever you go to read their literature, homosexuality is often one of the hot topics for them. Why? Because intelligent, sane people have come to the realisation that it is a natural state, inborn, not chosen. They cannot possibly accept that. If they did, then their whole rotten edifice comes tumbling down. If their book is wrong about that, what else is it wrong about?

The reason you get otherwise intelligent people believing we descend directly from Adam and Eve, that every living thing here now comes form the Ark, that there is a burning Hell, is because of fear and nothing else.

They have also missed something very important: YOU CANNOT LOVE WHAT YOU FEAR. You also clearly don't even know what love is if you believe that it is loving to say: love me or I will destroy you.

I had thought to explain why there is no logic at all in the proscription against homosexuality. I then realised there was no point because it has nothing to do with logic but with the above.

In my best times, I feel nothing but compassion for the adherents of such beliefs. I recall vividly the terror, the confusion, the utter despair one feels when trapped in the belief system. And the denial. The denial is tremendously strong and with nowhere outside of it to go and test out the ideas. The extreme admonishment if one even dared to question. The constant being reminded of the eternal damnation awaiting anyone who drifted away. Imagine how much worse this all is if it is your parents telling you this. (In my case it was not directly my parents but they laid the ground for it by teaching me I was a bad useless person and for sending me to be taught by RC's as my mother was nominally a RC.)

This type of belief does not engender love or growth but stifles and destroys both. It is evil. It is not a harmless belief but an evil one. It is the worst form of child abuse to teach this type of belief to children. It is an abuse of the mind and of the spirit, far worse than any other abuse, imo, having also experienced sexual and physical abuse on a regular basis. It causes far more damage. To be taught that to question is to be evil, to have compassion is to be evil, to have a thirst for knowledge is to be evil, to be different is to be evil, to listen to your own inner voice is to be evil. Yes, this an evil abuse of children.

Those of us free to think have a duty not to proselytise but to speak up whenever we can against such evil, to point out that there is another way and to do so without hatred and with compassion for our fellows who are steeped in fear. Always remember that they are in the grip of fear and as such need our compassion and understanding, but not our acquiescence.


Monday, July 21, 2008

HEATHER'S SOCKS

Knitted for my friend Heather who has badly affected feet with RA. No special technique-just so happens that socks my size are comfy for her. I did these using my toe up method, Andersson Heel Mach 2. I used 72 sts on 2.25mm KnitPick circular. The yarn is a generic €1 a ball yarn from a German hypermarket, Globus. (about 80p or $1.50) 75% superwash wool, 25% nylon.
Mach 2 heel.
Toe using Judy's Magic Cast On

Toe without a foot in it.

Bishop Robinson

HunterXan wrote:

My mother is Episcopalian, and she tells me that the major objection many hold to Bishop Robinson is not that he is gay, but rather that he walked out on and turned his back on his wife and children to live with his current partner. They view this as adultry, and they condemn him for not supporting his children.

I reply:

HunterXan-Their homophobia is loud and clear. They have lied: Read here:

Your mother has been misled. Religious bigotry strikes again.

I know it's not you! :-)

Choclate or ....?

Mad Angel wrote(in part):

Sometimes the Power and Spirit channel themselves through some very interesting conduits.

Hi Paula-oh I went thru that one and still do at times. I was terribly concerned when I first realised I had a gift and I was meant to use it and that I was do my part in the spiritual realm. WHAT? ME? You must be kidding. I am completely f***ed up and far from saintly! then someone pointed out to me, gently, that if the Power waited for clean vessels, no teaching would get done! Well, they had a point I could see and I feel much more comfortable nowadays. Not always. I still doubt. I hope I always do. Certainty in ideas is dangerous.

So I am not so f***ed up, and have learned much from my journey and I do what I can to pass it on.

There are times I'd rather be at a 24/7 orgy and eating chocolate in between orgasms. On second thoughts, forget the orgasms and hand over the chocolate.....

Ms Moon's Special Day

Iris Moon

It is Iris' birthday today. Join me in wishing her a great day. Click on her name to view her blog.

Lazy Day

Yes, I am going to do nothing today. No swimming. I might not even knit. I feel like reading so that is what I shall do. I love to read and usually read in bed before sleep. Trouble is it takes me forever to finish a book this way as I only get to read a couple of pages before I fall asleep and I often re read them the next night as I forgot! I am reading Selpuchre by Kate Mosse who also wrote Labyrinth. I enjoyed that one and this is a delight too.

I am often wryly amused by people who tell me off for judging whilst at the same time they are judging me! The assumption that they know me is even more amusing. And then making judgements about me and my personality whilst telling me I really ought not to do that! Something about looking into mirrors comes to mind. I have found over the years that people who are forever pulling up others with 'don't judge' are doing precisely that!

I spoke with John last evening about my desire to do nothing for a while. I have felt recently as if everything is going too fast, that I need to stop and rest. I have just felt really tired, not in much pain for a few days but that started up again yesterday. My spine is inflamed and thus my rib cage and now my hands too. Nothing new of course, just a part of my condition. And yes, I have been sensible and taken the right medication instead of just putting up with it. I discussed it with John because as I think I have written here before, I don't always know when to give myself a break.

The puppies are a delight. They are a day past 6 weeks old. I have whittled it down to two pups to run on as possible show dogs, James and one of the girls, who might be called Tabitha. As she is the daughter of Shameless, I had thought to find words like that.I have come up with Relentless and Dauntless which is okay for kennel names but not really for call names. Any ideas any one?

I gave in and stopped using the keyboard which came with my new PC. It is a wireless one and is pretty useless. It kept not working correctly and I would have typed out a few sentences and when I looked up, it had typed gobbledegook. I am back using my ergonomic plug in one.

It seems that we might have some summer this week. It was cold yesterday and especially last night. Today is warmer and it is supposed to get warmer and calm as the week progresses.

Four weeks today will be on day two of our German trip to visit with Diana and Lia and Lui and hopefully Jane will come over from Holland. I am really looking forward to it. One of the reasons I enjoy the break so much is not having to cook and not having to deal with t he dogs for a week. I miss them like crazy but do enjoy having the rest. Even though the rest is actually really rather tiring! The long drive, which I love to do, and of course the sight seeing, museums etc. But it is different so refreshing. I usually come back knackered!

I had an email from someone who was having difficulty approaching a task because of the math involved. Like me, she had been bullied by her father when trying to learn math. I reminded her she was no a child now, could take care of herself and the bully was no longer there. As odd as it sounds, when you experience prolonged suffering like that, one can continue to feel the same way long after the cause has gone. I know for me, that I can still awake full of dread and on those I just remind myself that I ma grown up now and those people are no longer around me. It works.

Is it just me, or do any of you find it odd, that of all that I write here, especially about abuse, that some people are only moved to comment when they read something that offends their cherished ideas? They don't seem moved to express empathy or horror at the events I have described, or solidarity, or support but are only interested in putting forward their agenda. I am not perfect by any means but I have read plenty of stuff on people's blogs that have moved me to comment supportively even though they also be writing stuff that conflicts with my ideas.


I think, being the angry, bitter person that I am, I shall now go and stick pins into effigies of those I hate. Never mind resting, this is too important. Besides, I can't really rest, I have too many people to scowl at and too many people to fight, too many people to condemn. Too many dolls to stick. There is no rest for the righteous.

(Oh and in case anyone is confused, this is my blog and I write what I feel to write when I feel to write it. Although some may feel some sad satisfaction in writing and telling me that they are not going to read my blog anymore, I don't really give a monkey's and wonder why such people would think I would! this blog is a journal for ME!! Not you. I of course like the fact it is read by others and I am appreciative of most of the comments it generates, even if I don't always agree. However, the primary purpose is a record of how I am day to day and how I have changed, or grown, over time. The fact that a side effect of my blathering has been that others have been helped is amazing to me. The most humbling and astounding comment I ever got was from a person who is a child advocate lawyer and they told me that they referenced me and my experiences when thinking about the best way to help the abused child they were dealing with at any given time. Wow! I had no idea just doing something like this for myself would have that sort of effect.

And yet I think that we are all ONE and what affects one affects all, even if we don't see it or are not aware of it. I think we don't really understand how we are indeed all connected and whilst one suffers we all do and whilst one experiences joy, we all do. I think all goes out there and ripple effect touches us all. I think a smile or a scowl does not just touch the one it is directed at. I think that what you feel and think, really believe, not only affects you but affects others too. I think that if a belief I hold is positive or negative it will have that effect not just on me but on you. For instance, my point about fundy beliefs, or atheist bigots, is I do strongly think that people who hold such beliefs are personally responsible for suffering such as that of Matthew Shepherd and those who loved him. I think that if you support Capital Punishment, you have blood on your hands. If you support war, you are personally responsible when that bomb blows up a family, and for when young men and women return home in body bags. I truly do understand the need people have for black and white truths. Grey areas makes us uncomfortable . It can be very scary. It is very scary! Living with uncertainty is frightening and not at all easy. But it is all we have. When we try to convince ourselves and others that there is only one Truth and we know what it is, we are in deep trouble. As evidenced by the world we live in and it's great suffering. This was clearly expressed by a conservative Bishop and the Co E's meeting where there has been much fuss over Gene Robinson being made a Bishop because he is gay and him being denied his rightful place at this conference. This conservative Bishop was saying that the trouble is that too many people deny we can know Absolute Truth and that Truth is subjective! To my way of thinking, this man was saying two things: I am absolutely correct in my judgement and my Truth is absolute. secondly, that those who disagree are wrong. It seems to em that this is a man who is too afraid of the grey and must have everything ordered in black and white terms lest he fall apart.

I rely on my thinking ability, my gut and my conscience and above all keeping my mind open. I have been been led many times to see that beliefs I held were wrong and harmful. I have also had other beliefs supported. Either way, I keep fluid, open and willing to learn. I believe that the only way to peace for myself and for others is by keeping my mind and my heart open. This doesn't mean I cannot speak out when I see great harm being done. This doesn't mean I can sit back and keep quiet when views are expressed that I see as harmful. No, I see it as my responsibility, and yours, to speak up. There are times of course when must act as if we are right. Do we hold back and not intervene we hear White Supremacists spread hatred? When religious fundamentalists spread hatred? When children are being abused? Do we hold back because we have no right to judge? Or is this just an excuse to cover our cowardice? It is quite possible to intervene to prevent harm, if possible, without hating those we see as creating the harm.)

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Joan the Concise!

oh Joan! This is precisely what I believe and thank you for putting it so well. I may not agree about Jesus being anything other than an evolved man, semantics, but everything else you wrote is just what I have come to believe thru meditation and prayer rather than reading or listening.
Thank you for making better sense of what I have been trying to get across so poorly.

Joan wrote:

Ali, you astonish me! Our God is not only a God of justice, but of infinite MERCY.
No, there's no "justice" in human terms. Our enemies are well and truly destroyed in the next life - not by being burned in the physical sense, but in being changed utterly from enemy to friend. And those parts of us that hurt others and work against God and His/Her love are also gradually destroyed.
If they - and we - choose it.
The death of Jesus on the Cross was God coming to us and saying - I'm bringing you ALL to me - not just those of you who know the secret handshake - ALL of you. You may not see Me in it, but I'm there, loving you and guiding you. You can choose to turn the other way, but I will never give up on you.
NEVER.
That's a long time. And when the Hitlers of the Universe are healed and learn to love, what rejoicing there will be in Heaven! The Law will not longer be needed; Justice is unnecessary because Mercy and Love will abide.
And, Ali, as you well know, "the greatest of these is Love" (1 Cor. 13).
Much love,
Joan

And pebs writes, with the certainty of a fundamentalist:
Do you know why you feel bad, angry or upset?. It's not because certain things or beliefs exist.

It is because at some point you choose in your mind to either judge yourself or someone else as bad. At that point you invite in something you wouldn't want - negativity.

It is possible to accept that things you are not lined up with exist in the world and instead of fighting them, to put your attention to the positive things you are lined up with instead.

I clearly don't agree with this. It puts me in mind of those who let the Holocaust happen and who for example, today, bury their head in the sand and let child abuse happen.
Perhaps if Pebs had written that these are her ideas about the way things might be, and not written as if statements of fact, it would not be so fundamentalist. Like I said not all Fundies are Xtian!

Respectful Reading

Pebs wrote:Dear Colin, in reply to "They worship a being that has caused and will cause more suffering to more people than anyone ever has." No they do not worship a being that has caused suffering. Because God does not create suffering and evil acts. Humans do. Whether they are insane in mind or not, it is them all the same.

I reply: Hi Pebs - I know that! Such a God doesn't exist but for the Fundy Xtians(and Muslims and others) he does. They are the ones who believe that God has a place of eternal torture for those who don't believe as they do. They call it Hell. When you consider the billions of people here now and who were here, by their fundy reckoning, the vast majority will be suffering eternal pain. So yes, they do worship a God that is worse than Hitler, Stalin, etc put together.

Oh and I have time and respect for Buddhism.

You know, I cannot keep repeating all of the posts written before when I write something, so rather than assume you are sure you know what I mean, it might be better to read previous posts. If people did this, they would not come to such erroneous conclusions about what I think.

Comments

I will not publish comments form people who remain anonymous AND are unpleasant and clearly have not read properly. Or who are too stupid to understand what they are reading. I also do not ever entertain people who back their argument up by throwing my past in my face, as if that explains anything. Some people are expert at saying' well you don't think clearly because of what happened to you'.

As for hating God and Xtians -only a moron with an agenda would say that is my position.

Not all Xtians think as Ali does, that is very clear. My objection is to fundamentalism, which is evil and it's adherents are dangerous. I can't be any clearer than that. And whilst this discussion has been concerning Xtian fundamentalism, I object just as much to Hindu, Muslim, Jewish, Sikh or whatever fundamentalism. In my experience, none of the Fundies I have met are different at all from each other. All lacked compassion, all were judgemental, all had a God of fear, all were closed minded and all were intolerant. And ALL WERE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY CONVINCED THEY WERE RIGHT AND EVERYONE ELSE WAS WRONG.

All this started because Ali decided we needed to know that a homophobic woman registrar who refused to marry gay couples, legal here, was not a homophobic bigot but a good Xtian. I and others say that is rubbish. This registrar happens to be black. What if someone stood and said it is against my conscience to hire this person because she is black? Or a white or black registrar refused to marry her to a white man because they object to mixed marriages? I tell you what then, the said registrar would have been sacked on the spot and no hoo ha would have resulted but because homosexuals are still considered less than deserving of equal rights, it doesn't matter does it? It's only a couple of queers, what does it matter? Shouldn't be allowed anyway, not natural.

I find it even stranger that this type of Xtian loudly proclaim hurt feelings yet never stop to consider the pain they cause others. Oh, but we're wicked so what does it matter? We deserve as much pain as possible.

Many people can't separate their ideas from what is ethical.

Ali and the anonymous poster whose comment was not abusive, I apologise, I did not intend to censor you. Your comments got zapped. If you would care to post comments again, I will post them.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Revealing Herself

Ali The Artist wrote:

Colin, you say:
"I am here to tell you that we are each loved, you and I, now and forever, without exception."

Does this also include "Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot etc put together", who you've already said are evil (and whose evil you say God surpasses)? Where's the justice in that?


I actually wrote:

These people are worshipping pure evil. Worse than Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot etc put together. They worship a being that has caused and will cause more suffering to more people than anyone ever has.

The acts of these people were evil, were they not? I accept I ought to have it clear that I meant the acts not the people. Just as I believe your ideas to be evil, not you.

Why? Because if people truly are evil, then god cannot dwell inside them and they cannot be changed. if people who commit evil can be changed so that they bring forth love, it only makes sense they were not evil in the first place. don't you recall: hate the sin not the sinner? Does that not apply across the board? Or only to those you deem worthy?

My answer is yes, it includes them, and you, and me. God's love is not conditional. Yours clearly is. It is counterfeit love. The more you write the more you reveal yourself to be as I suspected. You cannot seem to envisage a God of love because you cannot do without vengeance and what you call justice-which is no such thing but hatred dressed up.

If you have read with any comprehension at all, you will have noted that I wrote in one of the posts about how we are punished BY our sins, not for them. So you, me, Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot etc cannot come to the peace that passeth all understanding without a great deal of suffering. The mere realisation of our wrong and the pain it caused others will cause immense suffering. We we will feel it. What can be more apt than that? Feeling what we made another feel?

But wait! Did you not say that Jesus paid all of our debts? That would include Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot etc. It is not within you to know whether or not they believed in that last second. So you must withhold your judgement for you may well find they are in heaven right next to you. Who are you to say they would not?

oh and your friend in spirit, Ray Comfort, is a liar: I quote:
The Bible proves itself to be the Word of God, not just because of its scientific, prophetic and historically accurate facts,

Talk

This roughly what I speak of when I am invited to speak and demonstrate. It shows clearly that I have very real evidence to back up my current beliefs and that those who would have me think otherwise have none. Of course it isn't evidence to you-you were not there and you have to have such experience yourself. It is readily available to those who wish to explore and not just believe what they are told to believe or are frightened into believing.

The man you see before you tonight is not the man I was before I came to understand that we do indeed survive physical death and that each and everyone of us is loved as we are now, not for what we may have been or what we may become.


The man I was before lived most of his life in fear. I had been taught of a God of fear and damnation, a God who detested me. Compounded by parents who did not love and protect me, a father who despised me, brothers who reviled me, and peers who sneered at me and spat upon me. The man I was before would still be in a locked ward had it not been for the love of strangers that carried me through the darkness and into the light.

The man I am today is still the man reviled and abandoned by those who may have been different, who so reviled me they did not tell me of my mother's death.

Yet I am not the man I was before I learned of my mother's death. My knowledge of the death of my mother was the turning point of my life. Oh there had been other turning points, some deeply meaningful events , without which I would not be here speaking with you tonight. However, what I learned after the death of my mother was truly the point which brought all the others into focus.

I had already been brought to an understanding , through the gifts of the Spirit, that I had been taught lies. I had been guided to learn that there were other ways to think.

The day I first realised that death was not the end was a day of terror for me. It was not what I wanted. I had wanted oblivion, and end to my existence. An end to my suffering. I no longer wanted life.

As you can see, that was not to be.

I had felt myself drawn toward a group of people who were congregated in what seemed like a lit up fog. As I got closer, one figure became clear to me. One of my aunts. I knew her to have died. She embraced me and said to me that I must return, it was not my time, I could not stay.

I awoke, furious and terrified. I had been unconscious, I was in hospital, on a drip and with breathing apparatus attached to my face. I pulled off the mask and pulled the drip out from my hand. It hurt and blood gushed everywhere. A nurse came over quickly to attend to me and told I was very lucky. I told her to f*ck off. I was far from lucky. I had wanted to be dead.I did not want this life. what is more, I did not deserve it. I was evil. I was the lowest of the low. I deserved to not exist.

Later I came across a woman who told me I was not crazy, but that I had a gift, a gift of spirit, and I would one day use this gift to spread a message of love and hope to people just like me.

WHAT?!! Clearly this woman was nuts. Clean off her trolley.

Yet here I stand tonight, speaking with you and about to show you how this gift of the Spirit works. Perhaps she wasn't off her trolley after all.

Yet here I stand tonight, speaking with you and about to show you how this gift of the Spirit works. Perhaps she wasn't off her trolley after all.

Now, to the death of my mother. I awoke in the early hours of one morning, feeling afraid and unsettled. I found myself on my PC. To cut a long story short, this is how I came to find out that my mother had passed over 18 mths previously. I also came to understand just how much my other family members reviled me. This was the beginning of my real healing.

That night, I came to a place just like this, as I am wont to do. The speaker that night came to me first. I had already started to tremble. I knew what was coming. She told me that my mother was there with us, she named her country of origin and how she passed. I let go of long stored pain and cried until I was exhausted.

I had this experience several more times and I got on with my life, changed, because now I really knew. Or I thought I did. It wasn't over yet. (and I doubt it ever will be!)

Last October, at Driffield dog show, I began to feel bad. I had a burning in my gut. My friend to whom i mentioned it told me it was 'nerves'. I didn't think so. It wasn't. This burning developed and became fear. And that became terror. This took place over a couple of weeks.

I felt like a child. I was feeling the feelings I ought to have felt all those years ago but had disassociated from. My terror grew. I was convinced I was being eaten from the inside out. I knew I was dying.

I came to these meetings as often as I could, as often as 5 times a week and each time I came I was spoken to. Each time I was told how much I was loved. Each time I was told I was safe. Each time I was told the truth of my life which a stranger could not know unless they were being given it by the Spirit. My mother revealed herself time and time again with the truth of how she had been and promising me love and acceptance now. Not just she, but others who had gone before me, friends, relatives, they all gave me the same message of love and hope and acceptance.

Then one day, a Tuesday, I was alone and at the end of my endurance. I could feel this monster within me and it was going to burst out and swallow me up. I was just hanging onto my sanity. I cried out in utter anguish: IF YOU ARE THERE AND YOU LOVE ME THEN F**KING WELL SHOW ME. NOW!!!!!

Calm came over me and I fell to the floor. There I lay, still , and feeling nothing until I felt welling up in me a pain so enormous I feared it would shatter me into a million pieces. I grabbed the phone and soon on the line was my friend. She didn't ask questions. She spoke to me as if I were a child whilst I let my grief go in painful guttural noises and screams and retchings. I knew in that moment both that grief can kill and that it would not kill me. I would survive this. I cried for days.

The message had finally been delivered. I finally understood. I was loved and I was loveable. I was safe. I knew that I suffered the way I did not because of who I was but because of who they were! The people who caused my suffering did so because they had something wrong with them, not because I was bad.

So I am here to tell you that you are loved in a way beyond your imagination. Those who treat you badly do so because of a flaw in them, not in you. Those who teach you lies, teach you that you are evil, teach that God is to be feared, do so because they are flawed not because they are right.

I am not here to tell you what to believe or what God is.. These are questions you must think on for yourself. I am here to tell you that we are each loved, you and I, now and forever, without exception. That we each survive physical death.

I have nothing to prove to you. In fact I can't. We come to the part of the evening, where given that Spirit are with me, I can give you messages of love and support from those you know who have passed before us. What you make of it is up to you. It is not my wont nor my job to tell you what you must believe. That responsibility is yours.

Hate Speech

Now we know , in part, where Ali gets her hate speech from. At first, I was willing to believe that Ali was just a misguided person, good at heart. Her comments and links show a person steeped in her hatred and revelling in it. Whilst I see no point in arguing the toss with such a person, closed minds are just that, closed. I do see value in bringing such evil to light here.

Interestingly one of these links, perhaps both of them, talk about 'cults' and false beliefs'. Ali and her ilk are cultists. They have all the hallmarks of such.
The writers of the nonsense in these links are arrogant enough, surprise surprise, to think only they have the Truth! if it didn't cause so much evil in this world, one might be prepared to laugh at these people, as one often does with fools. But these are very dangerous people. People like Ali are a danger to all of us. Remember the Holocaust? The belief might have been different, but Ali and her ilk are not different.

Apart from that,despite their protestations, they do NOT know the truth. They only say they do. This is not the same. I don't know the Truth. You don't know the Truth. No one does. No matter how vehemently they shout it, they do not know and they are liars.

And as for Ali's version of the Truth, she is clearly a liar. Her faith is not in a God but in HERSELF. She doesn't speak of love but of hate. She has chosen to make her God in the image of the worst of men.

The truly terrible thing about this is that it will not just be her who suffers the consequences of her mistake but also those whom she corrupts.

Whilst I do not purport to know the Truth, I do have a heart and conscience that is clearly able to distinguish love from hate. I know Ali and her ilk are lying because they do not shed light and love but hate and darkness disguised as light and love. Any person who truly listens to the God within, and can move beyond fear, can see through this fraud too.

Oh no doubt they can throw all sorts biblical quotes around but they mean nothing because they have no validity whatsoever except that which is given to it by the likes of Ali.

The only real sin, one that cannot be forgiven, is a closed mind. Ali is stuck in such a position. She cannot be 'saved' from herself because she will reject all attempts to show here how flawed her thinking is, how her faith in her own judgement is flawed, how her arrogance and pride will damn her. no matter what she is saying, it is clear that her faith is in herself and nowhere else and whilst this state continues, she will be out of reach of love because she shuts it out. She knows better and takes comfort in her own sense of superiority and her own judgement. Until such times as Ali allows for the possibility that she is indeed loveable just as she is, that she cannot and will not ever be destroyed, that her worth is in her being not in her doing or her believing, that god really is love and not hate and not to be afraid of, her sin will remain unforgiven. The minute her mind opens, the minute she is forgiven because then her error can be corrected.


Ali's favoured hate speech


More of Ali's favoured Hate speech

The Pope - WTF?

I saw a very long time ago that the Emperor Has No Clothes (substitute Pope for Emperor).When I was a child in fact. I still see the same thing only now I find it so hard to believe that millions have fallen for this codswallop. Are they blinded by the pomp and riches. They don't see a fallible man, but 'God's representative Here on Earth'! How tragic! How blasphemous! What crap! What evil this causes! And of course this is precisely why the RC Church indoctrinates it's children so. They know it produces befuddled adults who cannot believe other than what they were taught through fear of the consequences.

So why the Pope today? Well because this arrogant nincompoop has 'apologised' to Australian youth who were sexually abused by the RC priests. (No mention of the mental and spiritual abuse. Oh, sorry, that is what they are meant to do!) Now, the RC Church KNEW about this abuse for years and years and years and chose to protect it's priests and not it's children. Now, it is forced to apologise. Not because it saw the error of it's way but because it's wounded children made such a fuss, they had to. Had the victims not caused caused such a fuss, the RC Church would still be silent and still be protecting it's priests and never mind the children.

"Here I would like to pause to acknowledge the shame which we have all felt as a result of the sexual abuse of minors by some clergy and religious in this country. Indeed, I am deeply sorry for the pain and suffering the victims have endured and I assure them that as their pastor I too share in their suffering."

How dare he? He has no idea what the suffering of a sexual abuse victim is ! How patronizing! How ignorant! He clearly has no idea at all of the suffering involved

Also HE HAS NO RIGHT AT ALL to apologise on behalf of the those priests who abused. NO! He ought to , and HAS NOT, apologise for the disgusting way the Church tried to hide these facts and protect it's priests at the immense cost of it's victims. For that he OUGHT to feel shame and for that he ought to apologise.

Funnily enough, fundy Xtians hate the RC Church and they consider the Pope to be an anti christ. Not for the harm the RC has done but because they have the temerity to have a different view point to them. If they disliked the RC church for it's obvious failings and it's unbiblical stance, they might be considered to have some integrity. But they don't have either integrity nor brain cells really.

After all, they believe that everything alive today descends from those that were saved in Noah's Ark! Now that was some boat! F***ing HUGE! Oh and of course they support incest. Must do as they also believe we all descend from Adam and Eve. Oh, and God chucked a wobbly and killed everybody, babies and children too, for they were of course evil, in a flood that covered the whole earth. Shit, he has such temper!

Strangely, we are told to be tolerant, to love our neighbour, to show mercy and compassion. To lessen our rpide, to be humble. All the qualities that indeed god DOES NOT HAVE!!!!! DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO! God of course can hate, can be angry and vengeful and jealous. We can't though because that makes us evil and deserving of everlasting hell fire. Doesn't God remind you of a rampant active alcoholic? Or a particularity trying two year old?

But of course, how silly, our going to Heaven has nothing at all to do with the sort of person we are,in our hearts, but what we believe. We can be as self centrered and wicked as we like as long as believe that jesus already paid for our sins. Yes, that is it folks, just believe that and you are saved. hallelujah! Go and sin more but believe and you are safe. No consequences will come your way. No sirree. You are safe. Remember folks, that is all that is required, the magic key. Belief. Nothing else.

It is so strange that those who preach that this is so, still pound on and on about sin and wickedness and spell out the ways in which they think we are sinful. Surely they are arguing against themselves? Surely they are missing the point? Should not all their energy be being put into getting people to believe that all their debts have already been paid for by Jesus and therefore we have nothing to worry about. Is not that their message? As shown in that blog link on Ali The Artist blog?
It matters not what we do, just what we believe. There is no qualification in that. It isn't dependent on behaviour and attitude and thought but purely on belief.
Or is it that they want it both ways? Yes, you ahave to believe but you also have to behave as they think you should? IE you also have to be perfect, sinless? Which is it? belief or sinlessness? Both? Oh what an intricate web they weave when first they decided to deceive!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Oh Dear!!!

Ali The Artist


Colin - I regret responding to your original post about the registrar as I think all it's done is to compound your hard heart towards God (to use a Biblical term). I pray God will soften your heart and call you to Him.

11:53 AM, July 18, 2008

And Ali the Artist clearly shows yet again that she is the bigot she is, and that arrogance is holding her back. She clearly believes there is only one possible God and that is the God she has created. She cannot let into her mind or or her heart the possibility of a truly loving God. She cannot conceive of a God who would love her and also love those she hates. If only she could allow that light into her, she would be free and have no fear.

My heart is hard toward evil and I pray it remains so.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Brrr

Well yesterday at the dog show it was COLD! It did me no favours at all. It was windy too. So my legs became painful and it was rather difficult.

I got a 3rd with Micah and a 4th with Whitney in large classes (9 and 11). As I know dog people read this blog, I can't be as forthcoming as I usually am. Meaning I can't say what I would want to say about judging and what goes on at the shows. I can't write about judges who don't know the breed or judges who place dogs according to who is holding the lead, or about judges who diagnose defects without benefit of x-rays and knowledge, or judges who only give high awards to their friends, or how certain dogs become Champions just because 3 friends gave them the required award.No I cannot write about these things at all. I can write though that mostly what happens is above board. When it isn't, it is obvious and one crosses those judges off one's list. I do wonder if those who judge the wrong end of the lead realise they are being watched by people who KNOW? Or are they so arrogant as to think we are all stupid?

I have sold what I want to sell of the puppies. (They have not left yet - too young.) I have also found a very good home for Lui, I think. I am disappointed to be letting Lui go but he will much happier to be just a house dog. He HATES to show. Despite all his good physical attributes, I decided against breeding from him as I do not want to pass his temper on. You can bet your life that he will sire an excellent puppy that will also not like to show! Temper is so important. It is number one. Most puppies go to pet homes and they need to be sound and stable.Too many people ignore this. Obviously there is nothing about Lui that one would describe as bad tempered, he only doesn't like the crowds and showing. I have seen dogs though at shows who are scared, who are aggressive, who do not have the 'gay' character that Apso are supposed to have. They are also assertive and 'chary(wary) of strangers. Too many people use assertive to excuse aggression and chary to excuse nervousness. A dog that will not show, that continually drops his tail is not 'gay and assertive'. Nor is a dog that refuses to be handled or touched by the judge.

Again, I have not gone swimming today. Feel too weak and sore. Mainly weak. I seem to be going thru a fatigue and weak phase rather than a bad pain phase. Trouble is for pain I can take drugs. For this, I can do nothing.It is more than irksome! Even my fingers feel heavy.

I have been having some very odd dreams recently. I am one of these people with a vivid dream life. I dream nightly and recall them. I know everyone dreams but many don't recall them. I do. In technicolour too.

The night before last I dreamt I was in some sort of Jane Austen period drama. I was having bad stomach cramps and the two women in the dream were asking me what was wrong,I was unable to tell them because everytime I tried, I burst out laughing. I was trying to tell them I was not ill but in labour!!!! Now I have dreamt of being in labour once before and I could feel these painful contractions. I awoke thinking this was very odd when I had the contractions again! Turned out I had food poisoning and this was the beginning of a 10 day illness. I couldn't stop throwing up. Anyway, this time I am not ill though I wonder if I was having cramps from the IBS.

I also have dreams that herald change in my life. I am mostly not aware they mean this until the change occurs. For instance, last year's grief was indeed heralded by a very clear and to the point dream. I missed it's meaning, but I guess I wanted to.

I have also had dreams that come true. For some reason I dreamt of the Russian nuclear sub that sank years ago. I dreamed it before it appeared on the news. One of the most vivid dreams, and scary, I have had was I awoke from sleep and was in the kitchen of my flat, making coffee when I saw a mushroom cloud rise into the air. I was terrified. I calmed down when I realised that the bomb had gone off in Iran, not London. Given the present situation, this dream is often on my mind now and I dreamt it in the 80's.

Oh and guess what? Today is cold, wet and grey. Just for a change. Global warming anyone?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Worshiping Evil

This is a post about my thoughts on the type of Xtian fundamentalism ascribed to by Ali the Artist. However, it is not directed at her nor is it for her. There is no point to that. This will show where I am coming from, which may not be clear, whilst we all know where Ali and her ilk are coming from.

The more I think about the words written on her blog link (see previous post), the more astounded and saddened I become. These people are worshipping pure evil. Worse than Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot etc put together. They worship a being that has caused and will cause more suffering to more people than anyone ever has. And all because these people have chosen to disbelieve the Christ story(which is not original). Not for any sins they have committed, like murder or child abuse, but simply because they do not believe that someone else 'paid' their 'debt'. It means that otherwise good people, who have lived a life of caring for others are condemned to suffer for eternity in the mind of these so called Xtians. Their God is an evil twisted corruption. They have made God in THEIR image!

What does it say about such people that they can believe such evil ? Well, it can mean they are very afraid people. Maybe they lack intelligence. Or they have very low self esteem. Or they are wicked people. Or they are so hurt they have no trouble believing that a God will avenge those that have hurt them so.

Whatever, there must be something very amiss within them that they can accpet usch an evil is God!

Oh, and the one thing these people are not aware of: they say their faith is in God. it isn't. It's in themselves and their own ability to judge. They are convinced that their judgement that this version of reality is the only true one. Their faith is in themselves and nothing else. Such people are extremely dangerous, as can be seen in the world today, and we ought not to sit back and say it's harmless, let them believe what they want. Rubbish! they are doing what they can to force the rest of us to live according to their wants.

Just look at what is happening in the USA where the state and religion are supposed to separate and clearly are not. Teaching only Creationism in schools? I wonder if these idiots ever stop and think. As can be read on that blog link, clearly not! For instance, incest must surely be perfectly Xtian. After all we ALL descend directly from adam and eve and their two sons......I know that anyy non fundy Xtians will have seen the flaw in this one already.

These people do untold damage to children by indoctrinating them with this filth. It is the worst kind of child abuse because it corrupts the mind and spirit.

Why do I give the impression that this fundy stance pisses me off? Could it be the totally self centred attitude? Their not giving a toss about who their beliefs hurt as long as they can feel safe and saved? I'll tell you this for nothing their belief is not borne of a spiritual awakening but of a deep rooted self centredness created by fear. It is bogus, dishonest, self centred and evil.

And I don't for one second apologise for my forthrightness. One doesn't pussy foot around in the face of evil.

(Oh and to clear-it is the belief and their fear that is evil, not them. They can't be as they, like the rest of us, are a part of God and in essence good. The light of God is is in all of us, no matter how dim that light may seem.)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Deception

Ali The Artist Wrote:

Colin - I'm honestly not at all sure how to respond to your post. Will you listen if I dispute with you? Or would you be happier to condemn me as a hypocrite, a liar and a coward and have the last word? It is your blog after all! :-)

I don't need to. You condemn yourself.

I suggest those interested go and look at Ali's site and click on the 'are you good enough' link and see just what evil she has been driven to believe.

I feel sad for you Ali, truly. Not hatred but sadness that you could hold such hatred in your heart and kid yourself into thinking it is love.

I know from experience that discussion with people with your mindset is fruitless.

I can only pray that you do not have access to children with this wickedness.

I CANNOT IMAGINE BEING AT PEACE IN HEAVEN KNOWING THAT OTHER PEOPLE WERE SUFFERING FOR ALL ETERNITY. HOW COULD I POSSIBLY BE AT PEACE KNOWING THAT? I COULDN'T REST IF IT WERE JUST STRANGERS TO ME, SO IMAGINE HOW MUCH WORSE IT WOULD BE IF THEY WERE PEOPLE I LOVED? I WOULD NOT BE AT PEACE EVEN IF IT WERE THOSE WHO CAUSED ME SUCH SUFFERING AS I GREW UP. NO. I CANNOT ACCEPT THIS AND KNOW IN MY HEART IT IS A LIE THAT OTHERS TEACH FOR THEIR OWN ENDS.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Weary

I have done nothing all day. Oh, apart from pick up dog do and little sock knitting. I was right yesterday to decide that today was rest day. I went back to bed at 11am at got up at 1pm. If it were not for the dogs, I'd be back in bed again now. I feel so weary. I HATE days like today. I tell you fatigue is far worse than pain to deal with. I have little pain today. But with pain I can minimise it with drugs and putting my mind to something else. Like I have said, I am good at disassociating. Fatigue cannot be dealt with. At least I don;t know how to. I know it will go on its own. When it decides to. It really does not seem related to anything I do. I can be very active for days at a time, in pain, and I get tired. This is not tired. this is fatigue. There is a difference though I can't really explain it. Sleep doesn't alleviate it. It feels as if one is moving through thick air all the time, like someone added weights to my arms and legs. Even knitting has been an effort and I have put it down to just watch tv. Highly unusual for me. Even the small movements required to knit are too much effort and typing this , my hands feel heavy. Weird.

Five weeks from today, John and I will arrive at out friends' home, Lia and Lui, in Sandhausen (near Mannheim) Germany. I am really looking forward to that. We leave here on the 17th, staying in Dinant, in the Ardenne region of Belgium on that night and driving the rest of the way the following day.

Successful Evening

I went to a new hall about 50 miles away last evening where I had been invited to speak and demonstrate. It went really well. I was surprised because I was not in the best of moods yesterday, felt really crabby.

I took the opportunity to have my dog friend see Lui and tell me what she thought. Like me she think she is a good dog. Trouble is he is weird. He is friendly with people and is not afraid. yet he refuses to show, goes rigid when you want to do anything with him, like groom or bath or just to get hold of him. Again he doesn't act fearful, just 'leave me alone' and 'I don't want to'. I have given up with the show training as he really doesn't like it. He is funny, he leaps into the air like a gambling goat when he is pleased to see you. He is all over any visitors-unless he thinks they are going to pick him up and then he backs off. Fairly normal that is. The dilemma for me is whether or not to breed with him. He could pass this trait on and you can bet it will be passed onto the best puppy in the litter!

I am having a day off today. No swimming. No arguing with myself about it. I decided yesterday that today would be my day off. I am tired and sore and just fancy a lazy day. So I am having one.

I have a championship show on Wednesday and have a show every week until the 11th. On the 17th we leave for Germany and will be back on the 25th.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

WARNING: Blunt and to the point!

Ali wrote:

Colin - I do wish you wouldn't jump to the conclusion that Christians like the woman involved in this case hate homosexuals. Her position is one of conscience, based on the teachings of her faith. I am a Christian, my brother is gay, he and his partner had a civil partnership last year, which I attended and even made the celebration cake for! I love my brother and his partner - their sexuality has no bearing on that love. I do not hate homosexuals. A Christian conscience absolutely does NOT equate with hatred (in fact that's a contradiction in terms!), and the fact that this woman has stood up and been prepared to be counted makes her very much NOT a coward. I think you might need to be careful that you're not bordering on bigotry yourself, against people (like myself) who hold with the teachings of the Bible. [The online Encarta definition of a bigot is - intolerant person: somebody with strong opinions, especially on politics, religion, or ethnicity, who refuses to accept different views.]

Oh dear, you really cannot see your own bigotry and hatred nor hypocrisy can you? Nor can you see that such an attitude of intolerance is hatred. It isn't love. Hatred does not have to be overt or even recognised within one to be hatred.

I think your attitude is appalling. It is patronizing to your brother, I certainly do not believe you love him, clearly you do not, you love your fantasy of him, not the homosexual man that he is. You cannot love him on one hand and believe he will rot in hell on the other for being who he is. That is not love. That is cowardly bigotry. Like that registrar, you do not have the courage of your convictions because you say it is your faith that gives you this attitude. Rubbish! The attitude is in you, in your soul, in your mind, if it were not it wouldn't matter what a book said, or people's interpretation of what it says, you would not accept it because it would not fit with your conscience. In other words it is you who believes your brother is evil because he is gay and that God will damn him for all eternity. Have you ever thought about that? YOUR BROTHER , the man you say you love, you are quite happy to see burn in Hell for all eternity? That he is an abomination in the eyes of the God you believe in? And therefore in yours. As you long as you can feel that someone else pays for your sins and that as long as you believe that, and spout the beliefs, including the hatred of your own brother, you will go to heaven and be in bliss for eternity. Oh as long as you believe that, you don't give a toss what happens to your brother do you? No as long as you feel safe you are quite happy that your God will damn him.

(Imagine for a moment what it might feel like to be told that your feelings of love and arousal are evil? Imagine what it might feel like to be told that your essence is an abomination? That what makes you who your are is wicked and despicable. Think about it. Did you choose not to have feelings of love and arousal for women? When did you make that choice? Explain just how you HAD a choice? No? I thought not).


Or have you never followed your thoughts thru? Your beliefs. Do you truly mean it when you say you are a devout believer in a belief system that condemns your brother for all eternity?

If you do, then I feel very sorry for you. You are a hypocrite and a coward and bigot of the worst kind. You hide behind your so called faith and put the blame there. When this evil is within you.

Think I am being too harsh? Maybe but because of people such as yourself millions of gay people have been killed, are still being, or live terrible fear filled lives. And don't you dare say you have no blood on your hands - you DO by supporting a belief system that causes this evil.

Ultimately, your conscience and belief system is utterly self centred. It is all about saving you and is based upon fear. This is not faith nor is it love. It is fear and hatred.

The God I believe in is truly one of unconditional love and I am only sorry that you don't understand the concept of unconditional love.

Love is an ACTION not a feeling. You say you love your brother but your actions say otherwise. So what that you attended his wedding and made the cake? In your heart he is an abomination to you. This makes you a coward and a hypocrite and quite wicked in my mind.

Having said that, I know that the Creator is within you too and that despite your way of thinking, you will not be condemned for it but you will be held to account. Change is painful. That is how we pay for our sins. We suffer. We are 'punished' BY our sins, not for them! Changing our thinking, the beliefs we base our lives upon, is excruciatingly painful. To see ourselves as we are and not as we think we are is suffering. To become aware of the suffering we have caused others, is suffering. We FEEL it. We will KNOW and in that knowing will be our 'punishment'.

You cannot escape this by putting the onus on someone else. No one else will take your consequences. That is so clear yet unseen by those who deny their culpability and believe that another will pay for them. If this were true, all their suffering would cease the minute they believed! There would be no consequences to their thoughts and actions. No cause and effect. That, as any one with brain knows, is not what happens.We continue to suffer.

How anyone can believe in a God who thinks their brother is evil and an abomination is beyond me. How anyone can believe in a God who demanded that a man, who he says was his son, die such an appalling death to appease his anger is beyond me. How anyone can believe in such an evil story I have no idea. Except of course I do know. They believe out of fear and because they cannot conceive of unconditional love and because they in their heart are jealous and judgemental and condemning and demanding that others be as they wish them to be. We can only believe what fits with our conscience. Or what we are too afraid not to believe because of indoctrination.

Strange how people are afraid of their God of Unconditional Love!

So Ali far from being loving and accepting of your brother, far from being the person you pretend to be, the one you'd like us to see, you are in fact a cowardly bigot who would rather think she is saving her own skin and hang what happens to her brother (according to the belief system you ascribe to).

And as for me thinking what I think about Xtians (and Muslims and Judaism and any belief system that holds faith in a God of conditional love, which is an oxymoron ), well of course I do! They ascribe to a belief system that condemns me! Would I condone that? Do you think I am insane? And apart from that, this belief system sanctions child abuse, the subjugation of women, it supports slavery, gives succour to those who judge others because of their race. It has been the cause of the death of millions.

Now, if I were a Nazi and got uptight with you because you automatically assume that means I hate Jews, you would think I was a fool right? How could I support a belief system that includes hating Jews and not be a Jew hater myself? If I expected you to believe my protestation that I do not hate Jews but love them, despite my being a Nazi, well...actually this is what you expect me to believe of you so maybe you would believe me!

Let me be clear - I don't hate you, I don't condemn you. I do condemn your thinking, your belief system, because to me it is evil. You have a CHOICE to believe what you believe or not. Your brother does not have a choice to be someone else.(yes he did not choose to homosexual-he just is just the same as heterosexuals did not choose to be, it isn't a virtue, it's a matter of nature) It goes very much against my conscience, my belief that we are all a part of God and as such are in essence Divine and therefore cannot ever be destroyed or ever be cast out from that of which we are a part. Unlike your belief system, I truly believe that we all survive physical death, that we will all eventually be at peace. That we progress for all eternity to become Divine expressions of love. This is a painful process. Be that person you, me, Ghandi, Hitler, or Florence Nightingale. We are all a part of God and as such are Divine and cannot ever be apart form God nor destroyed. We are raindrops to God's ocean.

We truly are loved UNCONDITIONALLY , a concept most people seem to not understand.