Friday, February 29, 2008
I find it hard to know when it is okay to stop and when I am being lazy. Well, I definitely need to rest today. I feel much better. Perhaps 1 mile a day swimming isn't going to work. I perhaps need to do it less than daily.
I have been wanting to write more about my 'dark night of the soul' of the last 6 months. I have learned so much from it and have much I could share about it. However, whenever I think about it, I just start crying again. I think just because of the enormity of it and because the agony of it is so fresh. I am glad I went through it. It has freed me and taught me more that I needed to know. Learning and growing never stop but hopefully it won't all be so painful!
One thing I have learned is that there is abuse far worse than physical, sexual and emotional.
It is mental abuse.
It is teaching a child WHAT to think instead of how to think. It is teaching a child self hate. It is teaching a child they have no value. It is teaching a child to fear themselves. It is teaching a child not to enjoy. It is teaching a child that pleasure is wrong. It is teaching a child they have no choice. It is teaching a child they are not worthy of respect. It is teaching a child they do not matter or count. It is teaching a child they are responsible for the pain and suffering of adults or of a man who was killed 2000 years ago. It is teaching a child they are born evil.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I knit them both together on a 2mm HiyaHiya circular needle. At least I did until well into the leg and I got fed up and did them singly after that.
To be fair, whilst I think it took longer to do, I was knitting other things too and also using garter stitch blocks and I always find garter stitch to be slower as it it not so easy to get the needle tip in the stitch and I have to look whereas I do not have to look when doing K and P.
I used a variation of my Andersson Heel.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
- Coffee - only the real stuff. Keep the instant. I have a bean to cup machine(two actually).
- Music - female singer songwriters mostly
- Pepsi Max
- Blackcurrant flavour
- 85% Dark Chocolate
- Being in water
- Rap music (or any song that is spoken)
- Chicory and artichoke
- Snakes (seriously hate them)
- Wet days
- Having to potty
- Films that have most of the story told in dull / dark light
- Loud background music so you can't hear dialogue(Grey's Anatomy for e.g.)
- Following fashion
- Not being me in order to fit
- The assumption I am an athiest
- Bad Rules
- People who are certain
Friday, February 22, 2008
I am thinking that maybe I will take Sat and Sun off from the pool. Maybe a mile each morning 5 days a week is enough.
Hearing Dogs: two of my girls have been donated to the Hearing Dogs for Deaf People charity. Three of my previous dogs were also donated and they passed and now live with their deaf people, being their ears. So Luna and her daughter, Lia, went yesterday. Liam is going to his new home of Sunday and I am keeping Lui.
Socks: I have almost completed the two at once pair.
Cashmere: I have one sleeve left to knit and sew in. I have done everything else already. This sweater is for me. I remembered to knit a smaller size too! The last sweater I made for myself was way too big as I forgot I have lost all this weight.
Eating Disorder: I have been asked to be one of the speakers at the next conference/workshop in May. I think I probably shall.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
Well guess what? It is that cold here and has been for two days and will be for a day or so more. On my way to the pool this morning(at 8.30am) it was minus 7c and minus 5c when I got home at 10am. Unfortunately, unlike Germany, it is also foggy so the crisp whiteness cannot be seen.
I did note that the dykes were frozen and the usual swans and other birds that I see on the water were nowhere this morning.
I found a way around my front crawl problem. I mainly do it for my hips and legs. As you know, I had to stop doing it because it caused too much pain in my shoulders, especially my right. I had to rest this weekend, no swimming, which I was not happy with. Anyway, no pain this morning. I also had the bright idea of using a kick board (float). This enabled me to use my legs the way I wanted to and save my shoulders from pain at the same time. Simple. Why I didn't think of it before I have no idea!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
This is my friend Lieve whom I met thru our mutual admiration of the music of Joni Mitchell. Lieve is Belgian but lives here in England.
Whitney, whom you have met before, now 13 weeks.
This is a different version of my Andersson Heel which I may well prefer to the first one. Just as easy to do. I like the way this one looks and fits. Once I found the math formula for it, it was easy.
Ribbing done on machine. Now frogged.
Heel and gusset and foot down by hand, now frogged.
I HATE not being able to go and swim. It really sets my day off well. I went to bed later last night as I knew I wouldn't go to the pool today and I got up late at 7.15am. Feels strange. I like to be up at 5am. I let the dogs out and they quickly go and pee and go str8 back to bed. Then I sit and knit. It is so quiet. I love to see the sunrise too.
On Thursday, I felt really good about myself. My car tax needs renewing. I got all the paperwork together and off I trotted to the PO to get the tax disc. I was feeling pleased with myself because I have a terrible memory and getting things like this done is not easy. I was also very lucky as there was no queue. I was a day too early! No tax discs are issued before the 15th of the current month!
Next month the car has to have it's MOT done (roadworthiness test). I have had this car for 4 years now from new. It is the first car for years that we have kept beyond the 3 year mark. I love this car. It is a Skoda Octavia Estate(station wagon), runs on diesel, gives me 55 to the gallon(UK gallon 160 ozs) and is ideal for the dogs. Not only that, it has a fully adjustable steering wheel and front seats so I can change my position when I need to, which is frequently!
I shall put up new pictures later today of the puppies and of my Popeye Reloaded and also of my new to me two socks at once on one long circ.
Oh and my opinion about Lui was backed up.
Friday, February 15, 2008
A man is coming today to view Micah as a prospective mate for his girl. He is bringing her too so I can vet her.
I am taking Lui to see a friend today. This friend has bred 20 plus UK Champions(UK is THE hardest place in the world to make up a Ch). Anyhow, I want him to confirm what I think about Lui-that he is outstanding. To think I nearly sold him. This litter was born during my dark night of the soul and thus I wasn't paying as close attention as I normally would be. Then two weeks ago, I happened to catch sight of him gliding across the garden and I thought to myself: gosh, he moves well. So I picked him up and stacked him on the grooming table. Sure enough, he is very well made. His head is lovely too and he has a perfect bite right now. I have taken him to show training twice now and the second time he was much better than the first and almost perfect in his execution of what is required.
If Lui is as good as I think he is, he is the best I have ever bred and better than Micah. In fact, probably one of the best I have been over.
I realised the other day that I have qualified 8 dogs Cruft's. 5 Lhasa Apso that I bred, and one I did not breed, and 2 Dax that I bred.
Sweaters: I may give Etsy another go. I tried it before and got nowhere. It can't hurt to try and thanks to Patsijean fro the reminder of Etsy.
The Nonsense: saw a tv doc about these people who are on a trip to see the Valley of Armageddon where they eagerly wait to see the rivers of blood that will flow there, according to them, when Jesus returns imminently. They speak with such glee about death and destruction and rivers of blood which they, as loyal lovers of Christ, will witness with such joy in their hearts. How sick can you get? These people must have experienced such pain their lives to make them so bitter that they really believe this tosh and take great delight in the thought that those who do not believe, especially those who hurt them, are soon to be destroyed whilst they become ecstatic at the sight of their enemies blood. Dear me, talk about needing to know thyself! I still find it astonishing that these people say they follow the Prince of Peace and live in God's love yet they display nothing but hatred themselves. Sad deluded people who do great harm to others in order that they numb their own pain.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
I have had to start taking meds an hour before I go to swim now as my shoulder sockets really act up now. Plus the pain in my right hand's knuckles has actually stopped me knitting this evening, despite a 1.6 gm drug combo....
Weird. I seem to be having less problems with my lower back, hips and legs, unless I walk a while, than usual and now have it where I didn't really have it before, or maybe I just didn't notice! I know I haven't been able to move my neck properly for a few years now.
Okay, so that is the pain moan over.
I am feeling generally good. I went to see a hypno man on Monday and now do a self hypno cd daily. It really works for me. I relax. Deeply. This is the whole idea. I had a consult with him last year when I was still going thru that anguish. He said he didn't feel he could help with my grief but certainly felt he could help with my hypervigilance which he noticed str8 away. Funny, you can live with something so long, like all your life, and not realise you are doing so. Anyway, I shall have a couple more one to one sessions with him and continue to use this cd. I am definitely feel more relaxed generally. I am sure I only surveyed my surroundings a few times today.... ;-)
I put two sweaters on Ebay but there seems little interest. I am wondering if it is time I faced facts and started to get rid of my equipment and yarn. Actually doing so seems too much to do. Yes, I can stick to handknitting but how long will my disease let that be?
We got a new family member on Tuesday. Milly, a red mini longhaired Dachshund. She is gorgeous. Hopefully she will not have the coat eating gene. Her mum, who I bred(Mouse), did eat other dogs hair and neither did her mum, my Alice who now lives in St Paul's Cathedral, London with a vicar there.
I finally finished the last Harry Potter book last week having bought it and started to read it the first day it was out! Trouble, I only read in bed and I now fall asleep after a page or two! It wasn't the book, which I enjoyed, but my inability to stay awake. I ma now reading a Da Vinci Code type thriller and having the same trouble with falling asleep.
I have frogged Popeye and reknit it toe up, using a different version of my Andersson Heel. I had initially knitted Popeye top down, with the leg ribbing having been machine knit. I really was not happy with it.
We have a friend, whom I met on the Joni Mitchell Discussion List, coming to stay for the weekend. Her name is Lieve and she is originally from Belgium. She informs me that the last weekend she came was two years ago!!!!!
Oh and I now have a Radar key. What is that? You might well ask because I ought to have to have been told by my medical people or the benefits people. I found out because I need to use a loo when out in public and could not use the disabled loo because one needed a special key for it. How stupid I thought. Just as I was about to wheel away another wheelchair person came up and told she explained to me about the Radar key system and how I could get one. Well I got one today. I had to pay for it too!
Really, in France and Germany etc I get to park for free and also for unlimited time. Here I have to pay and only get to park for 3 hours on the street. Now. I HAVE to use a car. I can't get anywhere without one. It is NOT a choice. Mainland Europe have the right attitude to we mobility impaired people. They don't add insult to injury by making us pay for our lack of mobility. Here in the UK they just patronize us, charge us for daring to be an inconvenience, and pay lip service to disability rights.
I am so lucky that my mobility varies and that I am not stuck permanently in a wheelchair. If I were, I'd be up shit creek without a paddle unless I moved to Germany or somewhere like.
Monday, February 11, 2008
24: ridiculous and macho crap but also engrossing. I have just finished series 6 which was just as silly as the previous 5. Can't help it, but I really enjoy this series. Never mind that Jack ought to be dead years ago and any real person would be.
BOSTON LEGAL: Excellent. Funny. Moving. Who knew that William Shatner could act?
NIP TUCK : really didn't think I would like this but I did. Just finished series 4. Very well done. Probably the only character I would like to know is Liz the anaesthesiologist. The rest are real pains. Very silly plots. Lots of rude bits.
GREY'S ANATOMY : just about to watch series 2. Enjoyed series one. Watched whilst knitting cocks. Took a bit of getting into.
BEWITCHED: love this and have since I was a boy. I wanted to be Samantha. I longed to twitch my nose and have my family disappear....
THE WEST WING: just brilliant. We own the whole 7 series. Well acted. One you really have to watch and listen to without doing something else.
X-Files: I treated myself to the whole 9 series. I didn't watch it when it was current. Then I caught a couple of episodes and enjoyed them so...very well done. Funny. Moving. Serious. Played for real.
SIX FEET UNDER: We own the whole 5 series. Well done, well acted and weird.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES: The first series was excellent, the next two not so good but still watchable.
BROTHERS AND SISTERS: saw it on TV. Very good. Looking forward to next series. The first series seemed quite long unless they showed series one and two back to back.
THE TUDORS: sexed up historical drama. Very well acted and filmed.
CRANFORD: Another costume drama. Excellent.
SENSE AND SENSIBILITY: costume drama, Jane Austen. Excellent. These last three were all BBC productions and they know how to make this type of TV.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
The more we know, the more choices we have. Educating ourselves then is vital. The less we know the less choices we have. We can only choose from the choices we know about.
As with everything, it isn't quite as simple as that!
Many of us not only do not know there are more choices than we are aware of but also close ourselves off from learning about other choices. Usually because of fear.
It is very common that as we grow up, we are taught WHAT to think instead of HOW to think. We are denied choice by how we are taught.
Being brought up to think a certain way is a source of great suffering. This is especially so if we are taught a particular world view from a religious ideology.
It is extraordinarily painful and difficult to step outside of the prison of this type of thinking. We are told we are bad if we dare to question the belief system instilled in us. We are threatened with eternal damnation, an eternity of suffering in Hell. We are told we are not worthy of love. Even to think that their might be another way of thinking, of viewing our world, of interpreting our experiences, can cause much anguish.
We must do so though if we are to survive as individuals.
We each have responsibility for ourselves, what we think and how we act. To say we think such and such or we do such and such because this is what our parents taught us, or the Pope told us, or our pastor taught us, will not wash! No. WE are responsible.
Many people use their religion to justify their bigotry. The subjugation of women and children is justified by people who say their God tells them this is right. However, only a person who believes it is right to deny women and children their human rights based on their sex and age would accept such a teaching. Another obvious example is the oppression and destruction of homosexual people. Such bigotry is again justified by religious belief. Once again, only if one is bigoted in their heart would one accept such a belief!
So, it is not our religion or belief system that is to blame for the suffering caused, but we ourselves.
You would think that it is a matter of free will only that gives us the power to make choices from what is available. Not so.
No amount of will, free or otherwise, can give us the ability to choose from choices we are ignorant of. On top of that, we are to a great extent governed by our subconscious mind. We may think we act freely but in fact can be controlled by our deeply ingrained, and oft times hidden, beliefs.
If you hold the belief that you are bad at your core , that belief will govern your life. It will prevent happiness. It will prevent you learning of choices and if you do learn choices, you will likely reject those that can free you.
KNOW THY SELF is not a throw away line. It is VITAL that we do. Life is about learning who we are, how we think. We need to know how we tick. We need to root out the beliefs we hold that keep us chained to suffering.
My own experience of discovering a hidden belief best illustrates what I am trying to say. I held the belief that there was something wrong with me that caused the pain and suffering I experienced in my childhood. That I was abused because of who I was. This belief, which I did not know I held, caused me enormous suffering, almost cost me my life and my sanity.
It caused me to make relationships with unsuitable people who either abused me further or had no respect for me. Further 'proof' that I was at fault. It caused me to live with great fear constantly. It enabled control freaks and religious abusers to control me.
It prevented me from experiencing happiness and joy. (I was also taught not to enjoy anything or get close to anything because it would end in tears.)
Today I know that the problem was not me but those who abused me and took advantage of me. As a result, I have more choices and I know who to keep away from!
How we think, what we truly believe, affects the type of God we believe in(or not). Only a person who is judgemental and/or fearful can accept a God who is judgemental and condemning. Only a very narrow thinker can possibly accept that there is only one view of God.
And only a person who eschews all personal responsibility can believe that someone else will pay or has paid for their mistakes(sins)! Only a fearful person can accept that such a price needs to be paid, that God is such a wicked being that it requires such a price.
My, we really have made God in OUR image! It is people who have egos that require to be worshipped and praised, that require vengeance, and are unforgiving. It is only us that hold resentment.
We experience life according to our thinking. Life really is how we think it. We create meaning. We give meaning to our experience. We create our ideas. Everything we experience or think is SUBJECTIVE. It is not possible to be OBJECTIVE.
No one knows THE TRUTH. Absolute Truth is beyond our ability to know. Human kind cannot know it. We can only know our experience, our feeling and our interpretations, the meanings we create. We can know how close we are to TRUTH by how much we suffer. Meaning the more peaceful we feel, the more likely it is that we are thinking right.
One final thought-a belief system that states that those who do not believe are damned is self centred in the extreme. The followers of such systems have their 'peace' at the expense of others. This is wicked and their 'peace' is counterfeit.
By their very nature, belief systems that exclude other people must be wrong. There are not a chosen few. We are all chosen.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
"The other pool is staffed mainly by obese women of various ages. The obesity being a symptom of their unhappiness and also their attitude and bullying. However, there is still no excuse for their outrageous behaviour."
Both of the readers who commented on the above words, interpreted in such a way as to cause themselves offence. A little reading of my blog would reveal that I spent most of my life as a fat person. In understand what it is to be fat. I also understand how when we are sensitive about something, we can misunderstand words to the extent that we think we are being attacked when we are not.
Obesity is a symptom of unhappiness? I suppose it could be in some cases. You do know that there are other reasons for being obese? Before you lump all of us fat women in one category, I thought I'd chime in and defend myself, at least. I don't mean to upset you or belittle your feelings Colin, but your comments really made me feel crappy. I'm not over-weight by choice but because of medical reasons that happen to be beyond my control (my lymph and nervous systems were severely damaged in an auto accident and I also have fibromyalgia and digestive issues). I'm also not a bully or an unpleasant person either; if fact, I'm rather sensitive and consider other's feelings above and beyond my own in most cases. I'd never treat anyone poorly because of the way they look or the physical difficulty they're having (after all, I'm fat and disabled *smiles*). I live by the golden rule of treating others the way I want to be treated. I just wanted to let you know how I felt...
Steph from Ohio
I have to agree with the last commenter about lumping all fat women together in one unhappy heap. You had a bad experience with some fat women, but believe me, the fat world is incredibly diverse. I was really taken aback by your stereotype, after having read your recent posts with interest.
4:15 AM, February 09, 2008
Friday, February 08, 2008
Made with two strands of 2/28's at tension 5 on a fine gauge machine. the tension was 37 sts and 61 rows to 10cm AFTER washing and tumble drying on hot 3 times. The final garment was treated the same.
This method really brings up the loft and true luxurious feel of cashmere yarn. The garment is machine washable on delicate wash. However, I have found that once the garment has been tumbled 3 times it can be continually tumbled without further shrinking. However, for longevity, I'd still recommend a hand wash, spin and dry flat. Not that I have any proof that continual tumbling will harm it.
I did another service last night. It again went well. One can never tell. It isn't guaranteed that anything will happen or that the people there will be receptive. If they do not have a welcoming open attitude, it really makes it hard work. Usually I can get people relaxed and laughing during the talk, and teach at the same time, and then when it comes to the demonstration of mediumship it will flow. Assuming the first part went well.
Again I got positive feedback and know that at least three people left with possibly the opening of a healing between themselves and those that hurt hem.
One of the best communications was the son of someone I know. I was concerned when I realised who he was because I knew about him and his parents. So I had to ask him to give me details I did not know. He went ahead and told me about marks on his body and few other things. The evidence he gave was good as he did as I asked. It always amazes me how they respond to my requests. It was joy to pass it on. His parents received him with love and affection and not grief although I know that his passing was a great source of pain at the time.
The more I do this, the more I realise that it is all about healing really. I have also become aware that my own abilities have improved greatly since undergoing my recent trauma. I am more clear now and also able to pass on what I have learned. I also understand the feelings I get when working more clearly so all this adds to the quality of the communications. The communicators can only use the images and words and feelings I will recognize.
The new drug seems to be doing the trick. No spasms and therefore two good nights sleep plus afternoon naps so feeling much better. Didn't realise how much lack of sleep and pain affects one's mood.
Whilst changing, I overheard two men discussing their trip to the pool. Both came from a few miles further away than I do. They were bemoaning the bad attitude of staff and lack of cleanliness at their nearest pool. Guess which pool they were discussing?
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
These spasms I get from between my shoulders round to my right thru the ribs are painful and wake me up. I go back to sleep and wake up again till I eventually just get up and stay up at about 4am. So have been getting little sleep and what I do get is disturbed.
I have been wondering why I am still tearful and why my gut starts up and why I generally feel like crap.
A new drug to hopefully stop the spasming. That makes 8 different drugs a day now....who new arthritis was such a pain.
It has been slowing me right down re the knitting and I am not pleased with that.
And the pillow talk? No, I was not prescribed a nightly visit from Daniel Craig. But a series of pillows. One between my legs, one in the small of my back, and the one I use for my neck. I used this just this afternoon and I must say I slept well. But then I was knackered..
I will see what happens tonight.
Oh and something else has snuck up on me - Lui. One of the puppies. He looks like he is going to really good after all! He is very well made, beautiful shape and head too. His angles are excellent. I shall hang on to him now. I am going to take him to ring craft this evening.
I got yet another call, that's 3 this week, for the pups I have left to sell but yet again from w***ers who I would not sell a stuffed toy to. it's not that I am not getting calls, I am just getting calls from unsuitable people.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Liz very kindly invited me to her home and showed me how to dye it. I just chose the colours and then I 'painted' the yarn any way I fancied and Liz cooked it and then wrapped it up for me to take home.
I have knit it toe up using Addi 2mm needles, Andersson Heel and 3 x3 rib.
I knew from the evidence I was getting and relaying that all was well. One of the communicators was really funny. He had been a bit of a hell raiser and died in one vehicle motorbike crash. He had returned last evening to speak with his wife and was telling her in no uncertain terms to get on with her life and not to 'save herself' for him. He gave various details about himself, his musical tastes, his favourite drink, and other stuff.
I realised very early this morning, whilst I sat and drank my coffee, that what I do IS important. It affects people profoundly and for the good.
I am NOT just a kept man who contributes nothing to this world and life.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Have done the front and back and collar of a cashmere commission. Just the sleeves and sewing to do now.
We received a letter from EGG yesterday cancelling our credit cards. No explanation that was in simple English. I called to find out more and was flatly refused any more information. They feel they do not have to explain. We have been loyal and excellent customers for almost 10 years and they have suddenly decided we are not a good risk!!!!! We have never defaulted on anything,never been late, and always pay off more than is due. And they turn around and treat us like this?
We will pay off now as soon as feasible, even though we don't have to, as I don't see why they ought to make but the minimum out of us since they think we are such a bad risk. Gees, how much money does one have to earn nowadays to be a good risk? John is in the top 5% earners! (yes that is surprising-I had no idea it took so little to be in the top 5%-no it is nowhere near the figure you would think!)
I still have 3 puppies for sale and they are 16 weeks old today. This has not happened before. I have had plenty of enquiries but all from people I would not sell a puppy to. There seem to have been a lot of idiots about.
The new pool is such a pleasure to go to. The staff are amazing. Maybe they are just normal and appear amazing because the other pool's staff are so awful. Interestingly, this pool the staff are mainly men, though the two women are really nice too. The other pool is staffed mainly by obese women of various ages. The obesity being a symptom of their unhappiness and also their attitude and bullying. However, there is still no excuse for their outrageous behaviour.
I gave it my best shot at the other pool. I really felt that by going to the new pool, I would be letting the bullies win. I am much less stressed so I guess I won. The people at the other pool will get sorted somehow with out me.